Tests, huh? [ Alan's lips press together forming a thin line. No, he doesn't like the idea of tests. Of being tested. It makes him feel nervous, and he feels a small amount of apprehension forming that he tries to quickly push away. ] I don't know how I feel about that, but it's not something I can avoid. It's not something I should avoid.
[ Somehow, none of this makes him feel better. Not that he expected it would, but he can't seem to shake off the fear that he'll continue making bad things happen whether or not he's aware of doing it. ]
I guess if you wanted to set that up, that's... [ It's not fine, because it's not what he wants, but there are a lot of things that he doesn't want. There are a lot of things that are part of life that aren't desirable. He figures this is one of those things.
As Jesse continues speaking, Alan's gaze seems to drop, and it just keeps dropping a little at a time as his doubts start to rise. ] I don't know. I don't know what I want, or how to... how to be a person. I know, I have to rediscover that, but how do you do that, when you don't know the first thing about doing that anymore? I know I could do it, before all this. I didn't even have to think about it, but now I don't even know how to start. And- And...
[ If they won't relate what they see me doing to Alan Wake, because Alan Wake wouldn't freak out like that where everyone could see.. Who am I? I remember what the press said about me, back in the day. Those freakouts, as public as they were, were different. I was different. Why do I feel like someone who's had their identity stolen? Is it because that's what really happened?
How do I start feeling like myself again? Maybe something as small as a haircut would help. ]
Maybe I should get a haircut. Maybe it would help with... something.
[ He watches her summoning the remote and lowering the glow of the LEDs. He feels the barest amount of nervousness spark to life, but he buries it as soon as he feels it. He can't fall to pieces every time something happens, even something as small as the lights being turned down a fraction.
She motions for him to move closer, and he does so with almost practiced ease. How many times have they done this? In the loops, outside the loops, in their reality... It feels natural to him even if he can't remember every instance of doing similar things with her. He slides closer to her, wanting to press himself against her but also hesitating, because maybe he shouldn't invade all of her personal space all at once. They've probably done that before, but maybe she wants to start slowly and work back up to that level of closeness. Or maybe she doesn't and he's just overthinking it all. Again. ]
... Probably not, now that you mention it. I mean, maybe I would have done it, but it wouldn't have felt right. It- It's complicated. I might have wanted it, but it wouldn't have worked with Alice still in the picture.
[ He hopes he doesn't offend her with his words. It's the truth of the matter, but he still doesn't want to hurt her, even if she's aware of the reality of the situation.
He quiets for a moment before he continues, addressing her statements about what she would have done if he'd gone to the Dark Place. ]
I know you would have. You wouldn't give up, just like you never gave up this whole time. [ He reaches for her hand to give it a firm, warm squeeze. A gesture of thanks without so many words. ]
I don't know how I was lucky enough to meet you. Anyone else would have given up and left, but you didn't.
[ He squeezes her hand again, and this time, he actually says it. ]
no subject
[ Somehow, none of this makes him feel better. Not that he expected it would, but he can't seem to shake off the fear that he'll continue making bad things happen whether or not he's aware of doing it. ]
I guess if you wanted to set that up, that's... [ It's not fine, because it's not what he wants, but there are a lot of things that he doesn't want. There are a lot of things that are part of life that aren't desirable. He figures this is one of those things.
As Jesse continues speaking, Alan's gaze seems to drop, and it just keeps dropping a little at a time as his doubts start to rise. ] I don't know. I don't know what I want, or how to... how to be a person. I know, I have to rediscover that, but how do you do that, when you don't know the first thing about doing that anymore? I know I could do it, before all this. I didn't even have to think about it, but now I don't even know how to start. And- And...
[ If they won't relate what they see me doing to Alan Wake, because Alan Wake wouldn't freak out like that where everyone could see.. Who am I? I remember what the press said about me, back in the day. Those freakouts, as public as they were, were different. I was different. Why do I feel like someone who's had their identity stolen? Is it because that's what really happened?
How do I start feeling like myself again? Maybe something as small as a haircut would help. ]
Maybe I should get a haircut. Maybe it would help with... something.
[ He watches her summoning the remote and lowering the glow of the LEDs. He feels the barest amount of nervousness spark to life, but he buries it as soon as he feels it. He can't fall to pieces every time something happens, even something as small as the lights being turned down a fraction.
She motions for him to move closer, and he does so with almost practiced ease. How many times have they done this? In the loops, outside the loops, in their reality... It feels natural to him even if he can't remember every instance of doing similar things with her. He slides closer to her, wanting to press himself against her but also hesitating, because maybe he shouldn't invade all of her personal space all at once. They've probably done that before, but maybe she wants to start slowly and work back up to that level of closeness. Or maybe she doesn't and he's just overthinking it all. Again. ]
... Probably not, now that you mention it. I mean, maybe I would have done it, but it wouldn't have felt right. It- It's complicated. I might have wanted it, but it wouldn't have worked with Alice still in the picture.
[ He hopes he doesn't offend her with his words. It's the truth of the matter, but he still doesn't want to hurt her, even if she's aware of the reality of the situation.
He quiets for a moment before he continues, addressing her statements about what she would have done if he'd gone to the Dark Place. ]
I know you would have. You wouldn't give up, just like you never gave up this whole time. [ He reaches for her hand to give it a firm, warm squeeze. A gesture of thanks without so many words. ]
I don't know how I was lucky enough to meet you. Anyone else would have given up and left, but you didn't.
[ He squeezes her hand again, and this time, he actually says it. ]
... Thank you, Jesse.