[ What do they do? Alan's thought process going into this hasn't been much of one, but the best way that he can describe it is by forcing himself to do things he's too scared to do. Writing was one of those things, and he's doing it again, but that's where his progress seemed to stop. Maybe he needs to be pushed down this path, needs to be forced to mold himself into the shape of a living person, not someone just existing and pretending to be alive.
Maybe he needs to force himself to eat and sleep and shower and just be a person again. But can he ask Jesse to help him with that, when he's asked so much of her already?
Maybe the first step is venturing outside the apartment and stepping out into the world again. Maybe something as mundane as shopping is what he needs. Still, he'd be lying if he said the thought of it didn't terrify him. Who knows what might set him off out there? His mind conjures up ideas of being dragged off by paramedics and forced into a room with padding on the walls and nurses with needles waiting to inject him with medication to put him to sleep.
No, I won't have that happen again. Not again. Never again. What the hell do I do?
He's not as skilled in the art of forcing emotions off his face, but he gives it the most valiant effort he can, attempting to keep the fear he feels from showing on his face. Jesse doesn't need to know how scared he is. And honestly, aside from his fear, he does want to go outside. He wants to feel fresh air on his face and know that it's not the stale, stagnant air of the Dark Place's version of New York City. He wants to see grass again, and trees, and be reminded of how they really look. No, he knows he wants to go outside more than he wants to stay in and keep being controlled by fear. ]
Yeah, I know. I can't ever go back there. I shouldn't go back there. It's not safe. [ He knows it, and he just states it plainly like the fact that it is. ]
I don't need to go back there.
[ His eyes travel to Jesse's half of the keychain, and seeing it makes him smile. His half of it is in the study by the computer, and he wishes he'd picked it up and brought it with him so he could put it with Jesse's. ]
It's the best part of us, isn't it? [ He wonders if she'll know what he means with that statement. To him, the keychain represents them when they're happy and actually content and whole, but it also represents a wish he has that one day, they'll have that all the time, not just in the days and hours of his good days. Maybe one day, all they'll have are good days and the bad ones will just be a distant memory.
As for Jesse's hands, he loves the feel of them. He can feel the strength in her hands, and every callous and scar tells a story of how far she's come. She has the strength to protect people, to fight for people, and he loves that about her.
He doesn't respond with words, because he feels that words aren't needed. He's heard variations of this from her before, and it's no less meaningful than the first time he heard it. He wants to live up to those wants and desires and wishes of hers, to be someone she's glad she met, not someone she regrets ever interacting with. Maybe he'll always have that push and pull between certainty and doubt, but maybe now that he's home for good, he can work towards being someone she's happy to come home to every night.
Before he answers her again, he nestles himself in a little closer, shifting just enough that he can press a kiss to the closest thing he can reach: the side of her neck. ]
Sorry. Yeah, of course people still go out and do things. [ He huffs out a humorless laugh. ] I- Sometimes I have to look out the window to remind myself that the streets out there aren't always dark. This isn't that place. People can walk around on the street and not have to worry about...
[ He shakes his head; whatever he was going to end that sentence with slipped out of his mind. That just happens sometimes. His smile still remains, because she makes him want to smile for her. It's a trite idea, but it's just how he feels. ]
Do you have a favorite place to go when you're not at the Oldest House? What about a favorite thing to eat? [ It's a long shot at best, but maybe her favorite thing could become his too, especially since whatever was his favorite food at one point is seemingly another lost memory. ]
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Maybe he needs to force himself to eat and sleep and shower and just be a person again. But can he ask Jesse to help him with that, when he's asked so much of her already?
Maybe the first step is venturing outside the apartment and stepping out into the world again. Maybe something as mundane as shopping is what he needs. Still, he'd be lying if he said the thought of it didn't terrify him. Who knows what might set him off out there? His mind conjures up ideas of being dragged off by paramedics and forced into a room with padding on the walls and nurses with needles waiting to inject him with medication to put him to sleep.
No, I won't have that happen again. Not again. Never again. What the hell do I do?
He's not as skilled in the art of forcing emotions off his face, but he gives it the most valiant effort he can, attempting to keep the fear he feels from showing on his face. Jesse doesn't need to know how scared he is. And honestly, aside from his fear, he does want to go outside. He wants to feel fresh air on his face and know that it's not the stale, stagnant air of the Dark Place's version of New York City. He wants to see grass again, and trees, and be reminded of how they really look. No, he knows he wants to go outside more than he wants to stay in and keep being controlled by fear. ]
Yeah, I know. I can't ever go back there. I shouldn't go back there. It's not safe. [ He knows it, and he just states it plainly like the fact that it is. ]
I don't need to go back there.
[ His eyes travel to Jesse's half of the keychain, and seeing it makes him smile. His half of it is in the study by the computer, and he wishes he'd picked it up and brought it with him so he could put it with Jesse's. ]
It's the best part of us, isn't it? [ He wonders if she'll know what he means with that statement. To him, the keychain represents them when they're happy and actually content and whole, but it also represents a wish he has that one day, they'll have that all the time, not just in the days and hours of his good days. Maybe one day, all they'll have are good days and the bad ones will just be a distant memory.
As for Jesse's hands, he loves the feel of them. He can feel the strength in her hands, and every callous and scar tells a story of how far she's come. She has the strength to protect people, to fight for people, and he loves that about her.
He doesn't respond with words, because he feels that words aren't needed. He's heard variations of this from her before, and it's no less meaningful than the first time he heard it. He wants to live up to those wants and desires and wishes of hers, to be someone she's glad she met, not someone she regrets ever interacting with. Maybe he'll always have that push and pull between certainty and doubt, but maybe now that he's home for good, he can work towards being someone she's happy to come home to every night.
Before he answers her again, he nestles himself in a little closer, shifting just enough that he can press a kiss to the closest thing he can reach: the side of her neck. ]
Sorry. Yeah, of course people still go out and do things. [ He huffs out a humorless laugh. ] I- Sometimes I have to look out the window to remind myself that the streets out there aren't always dark. This isn't that place. People can walk around on the street and not have to worry about...
[ He shakes his head; whatever he was going to end that sentence with slipped out of his mind. That just happens sometimes. His smile still remains, because she makes him want to smile for her. It's a trite idea, but it's just how he feels. ]
Do you have a favorite place to go when you're not at the Oldest House? What about a favorite thing to eat? [ It's a long shot at best, but maybe her favorite thing could become his too, especially since whatever was his favorite food at one point is seemingly another lost memory. ]