[ Jesse had heard of how he begged and pleaded to be let go. How he would be aware that he would be in reality, and how other times he thought he was still trapped in the Dark Place.
Drowning, drowning, I'm drowning.
She had seen him break down before, but the panic attacks and desperation moments she saw within the Oldest House? It broke something inside her in a certain way. Not that she would name the emotion. The scenarios just help build the feeling that maybe everything they were doing wasn't helping at all. Emily reassured her otherwise as did the doctors.
I just want to sleep. PLEASE. Let me die!
One particular time stood out as the worst--in her opinion. She had sat besides him, holding his hand, waiting for him to wake up so they could talk. They had to decide if he felt he was ready to leave the Oldest House and live in the world outside. She'd offer her apartment, as they discussed numerous times, even though there was a bubbling anxiety inside her he'd change his mind. He finally came out of his induced slumber and she smiled for him. A wide smile that many would say was uncharacteristic. He looked at her and Jesse knew immediately he wasn't seeing her. If he saw anything at all.
He grabbed her hand.
"I'm drowning, drowning. Deeper, deeper, there's no way out. There's no way out! I've written so much. Just let me go home. I just want to go home! If you're not going to let me go home? Then, just let me sleep. I can't--I can't write anymore. There's nothing left. No plot, no words, no Alan Wake. All gone. He's gone. Why won't you let me die too?!"
The team rushed into the room and set to work trying to calm him down. He became more erratic and eventually they had to resort to more medication. Jesse watched in silence, only flexing her hand once his grip on her arm and hand relaxed. Anyone who couldn't read her would think she had no reaction to the whole display. Those that know how to read her would see everything in her eyes. Fear, worry, shock.
Is what we're doing really the best...? What is it that Alan really feels and wants? Does he want to be here, with me, or...
She never told him about the episode. She knew it would just upset him more--make him spiral further into the struggle he was having about adjusting to it all.
Jesse glances up at him as his shoulders shake. That same look of worry and fear is only in her gaze for a moment before its locked back down. Her hold on him tightens before pressing her face further into his back. A hand lifts in order to pull a blanket over them with her powers. A light blanket, because anything heavier might set off that feeling of being pressed down and ... drowning. ]
Alan. [ She swallows the lump of emotions in her throat. It doesn't stop that soft vulnerable tone he'll know. The one that tells him exactly how she's feeling even if nothing else does. ] ...is this where you really want to be? Here, with me. Living with me.
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Drowning, drowning, I'm drowning.
She had seen him break down before, but the panic attacks and desperation moments she saw within the Oldest House? It broke something inside her in a certain way. Not that she would name the emotion. The scenarios just help build the feeling that maybe everything they were doing wasn't helping at all. Emily reassured her otherwise as did the doctors.
I just want to sleep. PLEASE. Let me die!
One particular time stood out as the worst--in her opinion. She had sat besides him, holding his hand, waiting for him to wake up so they could talk. They had to decide if he felt he was ready to leave the Oldest House and live in the world outside. She'd offer her apartment, as they discussed numerous times, even though there was a bubbling anxiety inside her he'd change his mind. He finally came out of his induced slumber and she smiled for him. A wide smile that many would say was uncharacteristic. He looked at her and Jesse knew immediately he wasn't seeing her. If he saw anything at all.
He grabbed her hand.
"I'm drowning, drowning. Deeper, deeper, there's no way out. There's no way out! I've written so much. Just let me go home. I just want to go home! If you're not going to let me go home? Then, just let me sleep. I can't--I can't write anymore. There's nothing left. No plot, no words, no Alan Wake. All gone. He's gone. Why won't you let me die too?!"
The team rushed into the room and set to work trying to calm him down. He became more erratic and eventually they had to resort to more medication. Jesse watched in silence, only flexing her hand once his grip on her arm and hand relaxed. Anyone who couldn't read her would think she had no reaction to the whole display. Those that know how to read her would see everything in her eyes. Fear, worry, shock.
Is what we're doing really the best...? What is it that Alan really feels and wants? Does he want to be here, with me, or...
She never told him about the episode. She knew it would just upset him more--make him spiral further into the struggle he was having about adjusting to it all.
Jesse glances up at him as his shoulders shake. That same look of worry and fear is only in her gaze for a moment before its locked back down. Her hold on him tightens before pressing her face further into his back. A hand lifts in order to pull a blanket over them with her powers. A light blanket, because anything heavier might set off that feeling of being pressed down and ... drowning. ]
Alan. [ She swallows the lump of emotions in her throat. It doesn't stop that soft vulnerable tone he'll know. The one that tells him exactly how she's feeling even if nothing else does. ] ...is this where you really want to be? Here, with me. Living with me.
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