[ "Overwhelmed" is probably accurate. But he could have just as easily given up too. He knows full well that there have been times when he wanted to lie down and give up. When the pressure of the Dark Place weighed too heavily on his mind, when the waves of Cauldron Lake were breaking on the shore, too close for comfort- Alan wanted to give up. ]
That's just it, isn't it? Who decides? There's no one there to ask. [ Inside the Dark Place, he means. He huffs out a humorless laugh. ] Maybe that's why everything got so messed up. There's no one there but me, and well- does it look like I give good advice about anything? Otherwise, the Dark Presence decides, and that's not great either.
[ Alan sighs and it feels like it comes from somewhere deep inside him. Jesse's gotten him figured out. Not that it's difficult. Dad issues. Substance abuse issues at one point. Asshole. Not cut out for the fame machine. Anger issues. Big asshole. Ego the size of New York. Sometimes depressed. Huge asshole. MURDERER. You lost her. It's your fault. it's YOUR fault. IT'S YOUR FAULT.
It's his voice, but those thoughts don't belong to Alan. It's how the Dark Presence sounds when it's tearing at his mind, pulling at what's left of his willpower.
He doesn't respond, because what can he say? He's everything she says he is. Do his attempts to hold back the Dark Presence outweigh the bad things he's done? He doesn't say anything, just lets her words and the sound of her voice wash over him. He feels her tugging on his hand, and he tries valiantly to pull himself out of his own twisting thoughts.
It's a struggle as it always is, but he's trying. Trying to fight. Trying to swim up. He offers her a crooked sort of smile. ]
I'm supposed to be helping you. You're the one who got hit the hardest, and here I am making it about me. Again. Always. [ Isn't that how I lost Alice in the first place? ] I'm sorry.
The Hiss might not be my fault, but- [ So much is his fault, regardless of what Jesse says. The knowledge of it crushes him sometimes.
His fingers curl further, gripping his face tightly as tears continue to fall. Why tears? Why now, of all times? Is it because he hasn't heard anyone use the word "love" referring to him in years? Am I that desperate? Deprived? Trying to find the answer to explain it all doesn't stop them from flowing, continuing to soak his beard. But he's aware that Jesse is still beside him; he feels her lower herself back down to the bed, and he tries once again to pull himself together.
His hand lowers from his face, knowing he must look like a mess. But with watery eyes and all, he manages a small smile for her. He tries to catch his breath, but it comes out sounding like a hiccup. The sound of it makes him laugh even though it's not particularly funny. What a sight he must be right now, with red, watery eyes but a smile that's nothing but genuine. He scrubs at his eyes with his hand before he takes this chance to push himself up now from the bed, ignoring the protest from his bruised side. ]
You know something- [ His smile widens, and his gray eyes search for hers, hoping she looks at him. ]
I love you. I- I have for awhile now. [ More than awhile, through loops upon loops. Through mistakes he made thinking he could save her. Through so many twists and turns in the road. It's been a long road to get to this point. But now feels like the time to say it: now, before he loses his nerve or something stops him. ]
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That's just it, isn't it? Who decides? There's no one there to ask. [ Inside the Dark Place, he means. He huffs out a humorless laugh. ] Maybe that's why everything got so messed up. There's no one there but me, and well- does it look like I give good advice about anything? Otherwise, the Dark Presence decides, and that's not great either.
[ Alan sighs and it feels like it comes from somewhere deep inside him. Jesse's gotten him figured out. Not that it's difficult. Dad issues. Substance abuse issues at one point. Asshole. Not cut out for the fame machine. Anger issues. Big asshole. Ego the size of New York. Sometimes depressed. Huge asshole. MURDERER. You lost her. It's your fault. it's YOUR fault. IT'S YOUR FAULT.
It's his voice, but those thoughts don't belong to Alan. It's how the Dark Presence sounds when it's tearing at his mind, pulling at what's left of his willpower.
He doesn't respond, because what can he say? He's everything she says he is. Do his attempts to hold back the Dark Presence outweigh the bad things he's done? He doesn't say anything, just lets her words and the sound of her voice wash over him. He feels her tugging on his hand, and he tries valiantly to pull himself out of his own twisting thoughts.
It's a struggle as it always is, but he's trying. Trying to fight. Trying to swim up. He offers her a crooked sort of smile. ]
I'm supposed to be helping you. You're the one who got hit the hardest, and here I am making it about me. Again. Always. [ Isn't that how I lost Alice in the first place? ] I'm sorry.
The Hiss might not be my fault, but- [ So much is his fault, regardless of what Jesse says. The knowledge of it crushes him sometimes.
His fingers curl further, gripping his face tightly as tears continue to fall. Why tears? Why now, of all times? Is it because he hasn't heard anyone use the word "love" referring to him in years? Am I that desperate? Deprived? Trying to find the answer to explain it all doesn't stop them from flowing, continuing to soak his beard. But he's aware that Jesse is still beside him; he feels her lower herself back down to the bed, and he tries once again to pull himself together.
His hand lowers from his face, knowing he must look like a mess. But with watery eyes and all, he manages a small smile for her. He tries to catch his breath, but it comes out sounding like a hiccup. The sound of it makes him laugh even though it's not particularly funny. What a sight he must be right now, with red, watery eyes but a smile that's nothing but genuine. He scrubs at his eyes with his hand before he takes this chance to push himself up now from the bed, ignoring the protest from his bruised side. ]
You know something- [ His smile widens, and his gray eyes search for hers, hoping she looks at him. ]
I love you. I- I have for awhile now. [ More than awhile, through loops upon loops. Through mistakes he made thinking he could save her. Through so many twists and turns in the road. It's been a long road to get to this point. But now feels like the time to say it: now, before he loses his nerve or something stops him. ]