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outlierdirector) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
synthneon2023-09-19 12:40 am
outlierdirector) wrote in synthneon2023-09-19 12:40 am
oceanview || ❝ hold hands with my demons and creatures of night. ❞
Someone who can hear me and drink from the light
To see things from the same side
Is there anybody out there?
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Failing to be the hero he said he needed.
« I don't want to let anyone down anymore. I'm the Director now. I can't be the girl who always failed everyone. But... that's all I feel I do when it comes to Alan, this story, this AWE. Like I'm not playing my part the right way. That MY way isn't the right way. Maybe that's the problem. The story wants it one way and I'm trying to change it. The way it wants will let the Shadow out and it can't happen. »
Jesse braces herself again for an answer she may not like. Something about her or her apartment or her life as being the head of the Buearu. How things might not be compatible once he's home and free of the Dark Place.
Except that's not the answer she gets.
Her eyes widen and expression falls into something of surprise, shock, maybe a little relief. ]
Really? [ Her tone is still small but there is humor in it--something even of a laugh. ] I have an alien in my head and you think snoring is going to be a problem?
[ This time, a small laugh does make its way out. She holds onto his messenger bag just a bit more. ]
Alan, you're so weird.
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She's there. She hasn't left. She hasn't left him, and that means more to Alan than even he can put into words.
He waits with eagerness for her reaction, and it feels so on brand for her. It just feels right, and he loves it. ]
Yeah, really. [ He's half playing it up for her amusement (hopefully) and half serious. ] If you ever want a good night's sleep again, and you don't plan on kicking me out to sleep on the couch, I suggest you get some earplugs. Good ones, too. I can get really loud.
[ He can't hold back the smile anymore, and as it spreads across its face, it turns rapidly into a wide grin. ]
I know I am. You sure you want to stick around?
[ It's a joke, of course, meant to be lighthearted and to hopefully make her laugh, but there's just the smallest amount of truth in what he's asking. Maybe he just needs that confirmation one more time, if she'll give it. ]
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[ Jesse finally places his bag on the counter behind her and slowly stands to her full height. Still shorter than him, but, she wants to make sure this gets across. A few uneven steps and she is in front of him, reaching out for both of his hands. She was never one for much physical contact until him.
A gesture is made to a door beyond the dinning table. Beyond it is a room more or less just use for storage. There's no kids or roommate, so, there's been no real use for it. Until now--if he'd want it. ]
You can use that room, if you want. For writing, or, whatever it is you'll want to do when we solve this AWE. [ Her green eyes dart back up to his with a hint of shyness in them. ] The bedroom is on the other side of the apartment. It can fit another person.
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[ He knows who he is. He knows he's an asshole who drives people away. But more than that, he knows that he wants to be better, because Jesse makes him want to try. Alice made him want to try too, before everything spun out of control and he lost his grip on himself and nearly everything in his life.
He doesn't want to blow it with Jesse, but he worries that the cycle will simply repeat, and he'll be back to where he was thirteen years ago.
But Jesse's moving, putting his bag down on the counter, and standing up. His gaze instantly turns to hers, watching her and being ready to catch her if she wobbles. She doesn't, even though her steps are uneven, and when she reaches for her hands, he takes hold of hers without hesitating.
His gaze shifts in the direction that she indicates, to the door and the room beyond it. And then his gaze returns to hers, gray eyes locked on green. ]
You'd really let me set up in your room? In your apartment? [ He's not sure why he's still surprised. She's let him into her life in so many ways that letting him have a space in her apartment is probably just the logical next step. It just feels like such a big step that he's half expecting the rug to be pulled out from under him at the last minute. ]
I mean, I'd like that. I really would. [ I'd love to live here. To be here when she comes home. I've had that thought before, haven't I? Well, even if I have, it's still true. It'll always be true. I think I'll always want to be in her life as long as she lets me.
His hands squeeze hers gently, and the wide grin on his face changes to a more gentle, but loving smile. ]
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She just hopes her constant battle of being overly in control of herself isn't a deal breaker. He may get tired of it one day. He may have his fill with other dimensional beings and things pressing on reality after he leaves the Dark Place for good. ]
The same goes for me. If... any of this is a problem, I want to know. [ Polaris. The Buearu. Other dimensional entities. ] Because I don't want to trap you in this world if... you'd rather leave it behind.
[ Jesse nods to his questions. Why else would she offer it? He probably just wants to be reassured, but, the look is clear in her eyes. He doesn't need to ask again. She's sure. ]
Okay. Then, it's settled. The extra room is for whatever you want... and, I mean, sharing a bed shouldn't be a problem for us.
[ Given she's standing there in her bra and slacks. ]
... Did you want to take a look at it? Either room.
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Nothing about any of this is a problem. Nothing about you is a problem. [ He knows he can say that with conviction, because he believes it. ] I've been trapped in a world of nightmares and horrors, and all I've been doing for years is trying to get out. But your world isn't like that. I want to be in your world, because you're there.
[ I can face the weirdness of all of this, all of the dimensional insanity, if I know she's there facing it with me. ]
I know monsters lurk in the darkness, and they're way more powerful than I am. But if you're there...
[ I'd stare down devils and demons and whatever the hell else lurks in other dimensions if I got to be with her. ]
All right. [ He recognizes that resolve in her eyes, and it finally settles in that he can and should believe her. ]
I want- I'd like to see your room. Where you sleep. [ Because he wants to see her, and he sees her in the little things, the little touches she's brought in that make the apartment hers. ]
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She just can't promise that she'll always be there. ]
Well, it's a... different kind of horror. The world I live in, I mean. Inside the Buearu. [ She quiets as he makes the statement about her. That he wants go be in it because she's there. A vulnerable look comes to her eyes again as she glances down.
« I'll never be used to him saying things like that. Maybe that's a good thing. It can keep me on my toes... and keep surprising me. I think he'd like to be able to do that: surprise me. »
She nods. ] Okay. This way.
[ Jesse takes his hands and gently guides him to the bedroom door. The one that doesn't have a Spiral on it. Just a regular door. She opens it, steps inside, then moves to the side for him to look around.
Rustic looking to match the rest of the apartment. A skyline view. Large bed, lights around it. A closet and dresser. Nothing really fancy or decorated. Just... a room.]
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And even if she isn't home on time, even if a dimensional monster follows her home... if she isn't there when societal expectations call him to show up for a public appearance... It doesn't matter to Alan. She doesn't have to travel with him in those social circles.
He doesn't even expect her to make that promise. It's enough that she's letting him in, and making a place for him in her home. ]
Well... It's kind of a long shot, and I imagine you and everyone else would say no, but- [ Alan suddenly looks nervous, but the words tumble out all in a rush as if he's in a hurry to say them before he can change his mind. ] How do you get a job there? With the Bureau, I mean. [ If he can't go back to being a writer, even a semi-successful one, maybe he can find a new career with the Bureau, even if it's just being the night janitor.
He notes the way her expression changes, and he wonders if maybe he's coming on too strong. But before he can even think about backpedaling and backing off, she's taking him by the hand again and leading him to the bedroom door. ]
Wow. [ He pauses in the doorway, looking around the entirety of the room. It might be just a room, but it's Jesse's, and Alan thinks he can pick up on small things that make it hers. There's a pleasant scent in the room, and it makes him smile to himself. ]
How'd you land yourself this place? [ He never had any complaints about his apartment, but there's a certain kind of charm to Jesse's. ] And that view's not one you can get anywhere.
[ It's certainly an eyecatching one. ]
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I picked up a gun. [ Her answer is flat, honest, and perhaps a bit telling about how much of an outlier as Director that she is. ] But... Emily, my Head of Research, said that her predecessor--Darling--recruited her. Same with Steve, but it was after his discharge.
If you wanted a job... [ she smiles slightly. ] We could always use more writers on Night Springs.
[ As she is aware that Alan wrote for the show. There was the screenplay she found, but, she also did her own digging after the whole mess in the Investigations Sector. She's surprised he didn't notice his books in the living room.
She watches him take the room in. Somehow, she feels oddly exposed. Not that Alan is digging around, or that he has asked questions she won't answer. It's just... she realizes how long it's been since she shared a room with someone. Shared a life with someone. ]
Uh, well... I didn't... I didn't have a place when I came to New York. All my stuff was back in Wyoming. Steve and Emily sort of ... well, they helped me find and pick a place.
[ It's home, but, the fact of settling somewhere permanently never really dawned on her until then. Steve had asked off handedly where she was staying outside the Olfest House, Emily couldn't believe that Jesse had traveled halfway across the country on a message from an extradimensional being. While Emily practically lives in the Oldest House? The two of them recongize that sometimes a break is needed from it all--and, of course, Arish chimed in to agree. Especially since his "favorite coffee break buddy" was still on vacation. ]
I didn't think it was that impressive.
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Night Springs. [ He hasn't forgotten the name, of course, but that takes him back: back to when he was still trying to make it as a writer. ] Well, if I did, I guess you could say that I came full circle. I'd say it's an option. [ And really, a kind of attractive one in a weird way. He'd get to write, and he'd have some attachment to the FBC. Not that he needs to be with the FBC to have an attachment to her, right? ]
Well, they picked a good one. [ He takes another look around before looking back to her with a smile. ] It's impressive because it's yours.
[ And that's more important to him than if she owned the biggest apartment with the best view. She could have a small shoebox apartment and he'd still think it was the greatest place on Earth. ]
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It's how you become the Director. [ This is all technically classified, and he shouldn't know it. If he is going to live with her shouldn't he know to some degree. ] Pass the test and then you're the Director. Of course, if you endanger the Oldest House... you can be terminated. That's what happened to the Director before me.
[ At least, she is pretty sure that is what happened. She doubts Trench had enough of himself left to try and end it. The Board probably terminated him. Even if it's officially listed as a suicide. ]
We... uh, apparently acquired the rights for it? Sometime before I became Director. They rebooted it. [ She shrugs slightly. ] You could use a fake name to write for it if you wanted. I mean, I'm pretty sure that's something writers do. Right?
[ « We'll leave the fact I know about one of his scripts unknown for now. I really doubt he remembers writing about the "Federal Bureau of Night Springs." »
She will never understand how he has the ability to say things that make her feel special. Not special because she is a parautalitarian with the highest readings or whatever for being a Director. Just being special as Jesse Faden. He'll say over and over that he isn't good with word crafting, but he's damn good enough to make her feel like she's blushing.
Jesse dismisses the Service Weapon. A few steps later and she's beside him, taking his hands in hers. Now what? Do they pick up where they left off in the Motel... or, honestly, she doesn't know or have an idea. ]
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I don't like the sound of that. So if you just don't come home one day, and no one hears from you, there's a chance that you've been terminated?
[ That's not a thought Alan wants to entertain, but based on Jesse's words, it's a distinct possibility. ]
Huh. I guess I never thought about the possibility of it getting picked up by the FBC. But yeah, I guess that's definitely an option. At least, it's one I'd consider. It might be nice to go back to my roots, in a way. I don't know if I'd be able to churn out another crime novel.
[ He smiles when she takes his hands in hers. There's just something he likes about being together with her. Talking, not talking, holding hands, whatever it is. But he imagines sitting still isn't something she wants to do, so he puts forward the question. ]
What should we do now? You've shown me your home, and it's a great place. [ Too bad he can't stay here indefinitely. ]
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[ She smiles a bit. ] Maybe it's time to try a different genre?
[ Jesse takes a seat on the bed. She'd prefer to pick up where they left off... but the time might have passed for that. Maybe just sitting and talking is the best. Until he has to go back through the Spiral Door. ]
It's up to you.
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[ He can't explain why, except for the fact that his attraction to Jesse is making him feel very strongly about this particular subject, but even just the thought of learning Jesse was gone, regardless of how it happened, leaves an empty feeling inside him. ]
I don't know what I could do about it, but if it meant the difference between... between losing you and keeping you here, I'd find a way to bring the fight to the Board. Or a mold monster. [ A mold monster is more doable. The Board is probably something Alan can't do anything about. ]
It probably wouldn't hurt to branch out from that, although it might take me some time to get used to it. I'm pretty sure that some of the more avid followers would come along. [ Or maybe they wouldn't. Maybe it'd all be a total flop.
He moves to sit next to her on the bed. He'd also like to pick up where they left off, but how much time does he still have? How will he know when he needs to go? If it was solely up to him, he wouldn't go, but he knows he'll have to at some point. ]
I don't know. Honestly, I just like being here with you, doing something, not doing something, whatever we decide. [ It's vague and he knows it, but he spends so much time moving around, chasing after ideas, running from other things, that sometimes, it's just nice to sit. ]