synthneon | oceanview || ❝ hold hands with my demons and creatures of night. ❞

oceanview || ❝ hold hands with my demons and creatures of night. ❞

OCEANVIEW I

blinded by reflections.

Is there anybody out there?
Someone who can hear me and drink from the light
To see things from the same side
Is there anybody out there? CODE BY TESSISAMESS

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[ I'd go anywhere with her. Except for there. She'll never see that place, not if I have anything to say about it. There won't ever be any diving into the lake for her, as far as I'm concerned.

Something inside him seems to almost light up at the thought of going to visit her apartment. It's not a true visit, as this is only a dream, and he's just along for the ride. But after so long of seeing the four walls of the writer's room, the sight of literally anywhere else is a welcome change to Alan, although he much prefers the motel to the places he goes to in the loops.

It's safe here, and Jesse's here, which means it might as well be his favorite place on earth. Or, well, his favorite dream state, since this is just a place in her mind. But as far as dream states go, it's a nice one. ]

If you want to go there, you know I'll follow after you. I'm- I'm not in any hurry. [ Not in a hurry to leave, not in a hurry to say goodbye to her. ] I'd like to see it, if you want to show me.

[ He smiles again when she kisses him. Just being around her makes him want to smile all the time. And he already knows he won't have anything to smile about when they finally say goodbye and he crosses back over to the Dark Place. ]

[ That part of Jesse who boxes herself in behind walls of mistrust isn't sure why he'd want to see where she lives. His home in New York was probably grander, better, more fitting for a best selling novelist. She doesn't spend nearly as much time as she'd like there--but at least it's more than what Trench ended up having.

So, it's something like a life outside the Oldest House.

Sort of.

« Well, it's my dream. Who says I can't go where I want? I used it to find you. Maybe it can help Alan find something he needs for the story. »

Jesse brushes her lips against his once more before raising her head. She looks properly to the door beside them and nods to it. It's still difficult to move, but, she tries at least. Her legs shake as she tries to push herself up from him, and her hand doesn't quite make the door handle.

« Nice, Jesse. Way to impress the author you have pinned between your legs. Real smooth. » ]

Sorry. [ She tries to at least save some face. What kind of Director can't even pull herself together in her own dreamstate? ] We can go through this door and it'll take us there.

[ And, while she has no intentions of grabbing her shirt or jacket? Jesse does grab the messenger bag beside him. It's important and even if he could have it back in an instant due to dream logic? She wants him to know how important she knows it is to him. ]

[ If he knew what she was thinking, he would tell her he wants to see where she lives because it's proof for him that life is going on in other realities. The Dark Place tries to stifle life. Humanity. Sanity. Vitality. There are times when Alan feels as though his life is slowly being snuffed out by the stifling darkness of the hellish dimension, what might as well be hell itself. Or if not hell, then a gateway to it.

His days, if they can even be called days, are filled with writing and more writing. Pacing. Staring out the window. More pacing. More writing. Sometimes more frustrated reactions. Screaming. Throwing the typewriter.

He wants to see light. Life. Signs of life. Jesse's alive. If he sees where she lives, maybe he'll be reminded that life is still going on. The Dark Place isn't the world. But then a thought occurs to him. Well, it does, but he's distracted from forming it by the way Jesse's legs shake and her hand misses the door handle. ]

I got it, Jesse. You're still not 100%. [ Alan hasn't been 100% in a long time, but Jesse still can recover. Regroup. Retake control. If he can help with that recovery, then he's going to try. ] Let me help.

[ It doesn't bother him to see her having difficulty moving. All it makes him feel is concern for her. There isn't much he can do for her in return for what she's done for him, but he still feels as though he has to do something. ]

What if I- [ He coughs and cuts himself off. What if she thinks he's ridiculous for suggesting this? ] What if I carried you?

[ There. It's out. Now she can laugh and call him a sentimental fool. But he's at least genuine about it. He'd carry her through the door until they get inside and find a place for her to rest. She certainly needs it. ]

Edited 2023-11-07 07:39 (UTC)

( continued from here )

[ She pauses at his suggestion. Really? Carry her? It takes a moment before her arm lowers and her gaze slowly moves back to him. Maybe timid, maybe a bit shy at the notion. He'd carry her? She hopes it isn't because he's trying to make up for how much energy she's put out in trying to bring him to the Motel. The place they were supposed to figure out this story together.

Now it's more like they're trying to figure each other out. More--better--than they had initially. They already know the attraction is there between them. Passion. Hunger to have someone who understands them. They know each other, but now, they know one another a little deeper. Or, at least, Alan knows the most about her now. The dark hidden parts she's afraid to show anyone. He accepted it with open arms... so why would showing her apartment be any weirder?

Jesse blinks once before lowering herself back down onto him. Wordlessly, her legs pin around his waist and she gives a nod. Brief, almost noticeable. She'll help him however needed to get up. Then, both arms wrap around his shoulders again. A nervous smile is given to him, if only because it's something she's not used to.

« He has a way of bringing things out that I never thought I had in me. It almost sounds like something out of a romance novel. Which isn't his genre of choice. » ]

Just... don't be surprised if you're disappointed. Okay? There's not much.

[ Jesse reaches behind her and turns the door of the motel door. It should, by logic, open into one that leads to a motel room. Instead it leads to a connected living space. Large windows with the sunset leaking in. A small dining area, entertainment area, combined kitchen. A few doors. One which leads to the master bedroom--and one that is closed. Bathroom with a laundry room to the side.

Plants hanging from the ceiling. Pictures of different states.

She glances over her shoulder. Then, gestures with the arm she used to open the door. ]

Ta-dah... I guess?

( continued here)

[ At some point, she knows Alan will need to rest. He'll need to stop talking and stop giving her answers. He's been through a hell she may never really understand. They have no idea how it's changed him or what it's done to his abilities. It'll take time to sort it all out once they've brought this AWE to an end.

It might sound insane, but, she's enthralled by the explanation.

« He really is a master wordsmith. Red like fire, huh? I kind of like that. »

Jesse gives him a small smile, but her eyes say it's much more than that. From the documents she's found? Cauldron Lake reacts to works of art. Alan is a writer. It'd make sense he sees and brings pieces together in words and images most people couldn't see or understand. The Dark Place must make it even more complicated--or maybe abstract?

« A bright circle. Like a star. Intertwined. He described you really nicely, I think. And he's not wrong about our packaged deal. »

Polaris shimmers around Jesse then. A multilayered circular prism, unending, vibrating at a gentle frequency that only seems louder when it resonates inside Alan. ]

I'm pretty sure she likes how you described her. [ There is almost an air of humor in her tone then. ] Not many people get to see her. Let alone recongize when things are different because of her.

[ Polaris shimmers again and Jesse glances to the side with that smile still.

« Yeah, I'm thinking that's his ability not the lake. Or, dimension under the lake. Still... it's pretty cool to have someone describe you finally. I mean, I've always known what you "look" like. » ]

So, you took three images and put them together with a name and tapped into the right frequency. I'd say that you're pretty powerful in your own way , Wake. [ There is no tone of horror, shock, or dismissal. She believes him entirely. ] And people wonder why you were a best selling author.

[ She shifts herself to be more comfortable. ] I brought up that manuscript page. I found it--in the Oldest House. When I got close to it? I could hear you narrating it in my head. It wasn't wasn't same as the way you messaged me--more like a recording. There were parts of it that were scratched out too.

[ He watches Jesse nervously, wondering how she'll take his answer and his explanation of how he came to put it together about her and her guide. Polaris. He finds himself intrigued by the pair of them, but part of him hesitates to ask too many questions. Perhaps he intruded on their partnership, their understanding, by deducing what he did about them. It wasn't something he did deliberately; the images came to him in a message, and the conclusions formed because of the message.

But the look on Jesse's face isn't one of disapproval or annoyance that Alan figured things out about her and Polaris. It's- excitement, in a way. Excitement, interest, and... is that a smile? Is she smiling? That's not the reaction he expected.

He thought she'd dismiss him as crazy, or as someone who went too far. Instead, she's smiling, and telling him that she thinks Polaris likes his description. ]

She does? Really? [ He knows he sounds a little disbelieving. Incredulous. But he didn't expect that reaction either. ]

I'm- I don't think I'm powerful. [ Honestly, he's not sure what he thinks about what he can do. ] If it's involuntary, which it is, I don't think that counts as powerful. [ Insane, probably. Who sees images like that and forms a name from them? And manages to somehow access a frequency? I don't know why she's not more surprised. Or annoyed. ]

That's strange. And I've seen strange. You have too, from what I gather.

[ He eyes her with something like consideration. Not apprehension or doubt. He could doubt her, but he doesn't see a reason why he should. She knows about the messages he sent her, and that's proof enough for him. Not that he really needed proof, not in this instance. ]

I wonder how the page got there. [ He shrugs. ] Reality shenanigans? [ Sometimes it still feels strange to him how his definition of normal has shifted to include such things. But then again, in some ways, it feels like it was all an inevitability. ] I've written a lot of manuscript pages. Most of them I remember, but- What was this page about?

[ His brow furrows in thought. If parts of the page were scratched out, that means it's something he edited. How did she find it? Where in the story is it set? He wonders if she'll actually tell him. ]

[ It might seem silly, like a romantic gesture that's out of place in a place that's anything but romantic. There's nothing at all romantic about the Dark Place. Alan remembers reading gothic novels at one point, and they all had a kind of dark, grim romantic angle to them. There's nothing like that here. The darkness holds mysteries, but the mysteries will tear the unsuspecting apart. It's not at all like a gothic novel. It's real. Terrifyingly so.

But even with that, even with all that he's lost to the Dark Place, Alan still retains something of the man who has a romantic streak at heart. Maybe some of that is showing now with his offer to carry Jesse.

He waits nervously, feeling as though he's forgotten how to breathe while he waits for her to answer either way. Why does she make me so nervous sometimes?

But then she lowers herself back down, and he takes that as her answer. He slides one arm around her back, and the other beneath her legs, and while he's hardly an expert at this, he waits until she's wrapped her arms around his shoulders, and when he's sure that she's secure, he manages to lift her while not losing his balance. I'd say that counts as an accomplishment. ]

Why would I be disappointed? It's your apartment. Your place. [ One of the best ways to really get to know someone is to see where they live. Or something like that. I just want to see where she lives. It'll be easier to imagine myself coming home to her instead of coming back to the Dark Place every time.

When she turns the door and it opens, Alan's breath catches with something like anticipation. Already his mind is off and running, cataloguing what he sees, memorizing it, so that when they finally have to part, he'll still have these memories. And hopefully they won't be washed away by the waves. ]

If this is what you call "not much", I'd hate to see what something really not much looks like.

[ Alan might have had the apartment he lived in with Alice, but that doesn't mean he finds Jesse's apartment any less impressive. In fact, he prefers hers, if he's being honest. Maybe it's the fact that there's a lot of windows and open spaces. Or maybe it's just the fact that it feels like her. Either way, he's decided that he likes it.

He smiles at her when she gestures at the room, and his hold on her tightens as his smile widens. ]

Thanks for letting me see it.

Because it's not much of a "place"? I mean. It's more than what Trench--the previous Director--ended up having in the end. But, it might not be the same thing as "home" to other people.

[ « Then again, not many people live days at a time at their job. »

She gently motions for him to place her down. Not that she dislikes being carried, but she figures he wants to explore. Not that there's much to explore in her mind. It's all fairly one unit with an open floor plan, minus four doors that go to other places. One room that remains entirely empty as she really doesn't have a use for a second bedroom.

Kids don't really fit with her job... and she probably can't have them thanks to Polaris and what changes have happened. It might be for the best anyways. The world probably doesn't need another Faden running around.

« Maybe in a different life. »

She sits against the counter and motions for Alan to take his time and explore. His messenger bag is pulled up into her arms, securely, keeping it safe for him. Not that there's any danger in her dreamscape... it's just the thought that counts. Right?

Her gaze shifts down to the lamp in his bag.

« Still bright. I'm guessing this is an undocumented Object of Power. It'd make sense he'd have one. Maybe it's for the best it stay in the dimension it comes from. We have enough items to deal with. »

Jesse watches as he travels through the apartment. She feels a tug for her attention, but not in the way that Polaris gives. Definitely not in the way that she can feel reality alter. No, it feels almost like herself tugging at her. Giving her some idea she's never had before. It's familiar in that way. The Diner, the Bench. Places that resonate in her from times they've gone around and around. This though... she's never told him this or even offered it. Maybe it was an idea that she never voiced.

It'd make as much sense as everything else about these loops. ]

You can stay here if you want. I mean, when we figure out how to end the story and you're home. [ She shifts side to side at the idea. Not that she's against it. It's just... voicing it out loud. Trying to figure out how to communicate like real people do. That sort of thing. ] I imagine there's going to be a few hurdles to jump over with the whole presumed dead thing. So, if you need a place... you can use mine.

It is a place. It's your place, the place you go home to at night. Or whenever. Do you go home at night?

[ Maybe the question's too invasive, too forward, but he can't call it back now. He sets her down when she asks him to, because there's no reason for him to keep holding onto her, even though he kind of likes it.

He smiles at her even as he slowly, casually wanders around. He doesn't want to intrude on anything that's private, but he figures if there's something she doesn't want him to see, she can just close the door.

Maybe it's strange, but as he wanders through this dream version of her home, he thinks he can picture himself staying here. Being there when she comes home from a long day at work. Even if her work isn't the standard, typical 9-5 one that most people think of. He knows he likes the idea of being home and waiting for her. Maybe he takes up writing again. Maybe he works on projects while she's off being the Director. But when she comes home, he's just Alan and she's just Jesse.

Well, not just Jesse. She's the one he's falling in love with and the one he can imagine sharing a life with.

But then she speaks, and she makes an offer, and Alan's eyebrows shoot up, practically meeting his hairline. He pauses in his exploring, turning so he's looking back at her, surprise clear on his face. ]

You'd really let me stay here? [ He has no idea how things will be when... if he finally works everything out and is able to come home. It's almost too overwhelming to think about. She's right in saying there will be a few hurdles for him to jump over. Most likely, there'll be a lot more than just a few. It's enough to make his head spin to think about.

Having a place to stay in- her place, would mean a lot to Alan. It does mean a lot to him. And he hopes that shows in his expression, his smile, as he looks at her. ]

When I can, yeah. It's... not a good idea to live at the Buearu. Make your life only that. At least, that's what all the experiences around me have told me.

[ « Trench lived for it after he lost his family. Darling became obssessed with you and Hedron. Look where it got them. It'll never be a normal life... but a place to have people over is nice. Having people to invite over is nice. »

His surprise makes her stand straighter and her shoulders square. Did she say the wrong thing? Was it weird--the normal weird not their weird--to say it? It's too weird, isn't it? God, why is she so bad at ... people. ]

I mean--sure. If you wanted. [ Jesse looks to the side and sets her jaw before looking down to the other side. Shit, shit, shit. She shouldn't have said it. ] Maybe you wouldn't? I mean. Sorry. I didn't mean to ... you know.

[ « Be so weird. » ]

Jesse? [ Her sudden shift in demeanor and attitude surprises him. ] Sorry, I think I- I wasn't clear. I want to stay here. I'd... I'd love to stay here. With you.

[ I love you. I don't know when it happened, but I do. I know I do. But will telling you that push you away? Freak you out? I don't want that. I want to be with you, but I don't want to go too fast. ]

I could see us being here. You, me, coffee in the morning. Talking about your day at night.

[ His mouth turns up into a smile. ]

We could have a life here. If not for the Dark Place, I think I'd choose to be here already. That's not weird, is it? My threshold for weird is... well, I think you can guess.

[ A moment passes before she can force herself to look back up to Alan. She's not guarded, per say, but it's clear she's bracing herself for an answer she may not like. Part of her hopes that Alan has figured out that she isn't good at these sort of things. Letting people in and sharing that side of her. She tries... but, she never feels it quite lands the mark she's aiming for it to. Not when it's this personal.

Each word he says makes her jaw tighten and her shoulders square more. Not in rejection, but in an obvious attempt to remain in control of her emotions. It will always be a back and forth battle to lower her walls when they are always up. Hopefully he'll understand that about her. He's screwed up in his own ways, but she is just as much.

We could have a life here.

« All I ever wanted was to find Dylan; prove that what happened in Ordinary was real. That it was true. Then... I found the Oldest House, and found where I wanted to be in the world. My place in it. Now, I want more. I want to share this life with someone. Dylan wanted it too at one point, didn't he? For me to be at the Oldest House with him. Someone to share this world with him. Maybe... maybe we really are the same. In a perfect world I'd have both. My baby brother and the screwed up writer. »

Jesse nods once, then again. Her hands involuntarily flex around the bag in her arms. His bag. His lamp, his writing. She swallows the lump of emotions in her throat. ]

I kind of do weird. [ A small smile tugs at the corner of her lips. Her eyes flick down then back at him. Her voice hits that particular tone of small. He most likely knows what that means by now. ] I'd like that. You being here--home. Having a life here.

[ Am I going too far? Pushing too hard? She's used to being in control. What if I'm taking that control from her? Not letting her choose when to let me in and how far?

A frown forms and it grows deeper as Alan's worries take root. Tension takes hold of his posture, stiffness forming in his shoulders as he feels doubt trying to gnaw at his mind. But if she didn't want him in her life, if she didn't want him making a place for himself in her spaces and in her home, why did she let him follow her here? She's letting him in. That can't be a mistake.

He forces the thoughts of doubt and uncertainty to the back of his mind again. They're not important, they're not real. She's real, and so is the way he feels about her. ]

That makes two of us, then, doesn't it? [ He knows that tone. Knows what it means, and he latches onto it. He feels a deepseated need to encourage her, to navigate the turns her mind might be taking. If he can, anyway. And, well, there's only one way he can think of to start doing that. ]

You should know one thing, though. It might be a deal-breaker, and it might make you change your mind. I hope not, but- [ The real challenge here is keeping a straight face, but he seems to be managing well so far. ]

[ She smiles slightly, despite her attempts to hold herself together. He doesn't need her going to pieces in front of him. He's asked her to be here--cast her in the role of a hero. Maybe not of the story, but maybe for him. Heroes don't go to pieces.

« Not the kind of hero I want to be. Not the kind of Director I am. How I lead. I"m the firepower. I go in and face it head on with them. They won't fight alone. They won't drown as long as I'm here. I can't ask them to do anything I wouldn't do. » ]

--But?

[ She finds herself clutching onto his messenger bag now. Almost like it's some sort of grounding device or mechanism to keep her upright from what he is about to say. Technically it shouldn't be. It's his writing, his work, everything in it is him. Maybe that's why she's holding onto it. It's Alan Wake.

« But what? What could be a deal breaker after all of this we've gone through? Minus, well, having to stay out of the lake. What if I have to go in it to get him out? Maybe not deep. Maybe not diving. But... I may have to walk into the Threshold to save him. Would he hate me for it? » ]

Edited 2023-11-12 23:39 (UTC)

Like I said. Not many people see her. They can sense her and her resonance. But, that doesn't mean they're able to know what she "looks" like. I mean, at least, how I see her. It's special.

[ « If he can see you? Then, theres a reason they put him on the list for Prime Canidates. Of course, that was more because the AWE in 2010. He altered reality... so, maybe this is part of how he did it. If he can see things, then give him tools that can alter reality... »

Alan is powerful. Even if he doesn't believe it. ]

Oh, I know strange, weird, and unusual.

[ She nods to his question. Jesse slides her hands away--with a tinge of regret, why?--and grabs the vanilla folder she had. The seal of the FBC is on the front of it. With a few flips of pages she pulls out an official documented page--a photo copy. A picture of the manuscript page.

『 For ten years I've tried to write my escape, only sinking deeper. I used to know where fiction ends and reality begins. Here, they are all the same. It’s a hideous trap, my every thought made real. Fear. Desire. How can I ever know for sure I've escaped and not just lost in my own fantasy of it? That thought alone can drive you insane. 』

She can hear the narration over the Hotline as he looks over it. See the overlap of Alan's silhouette over the Alan sitting in front of her. Like a voice message left. Distorted, old, replaying it in a way. It's not the actual page so maybe it's just bringing to memory when she found it in the Panopticon locked up. ]

They could identify some words in the scratched out portion. Falls, haunting, Wake, ocean, light switch, too late.

[ And the obvious text on the bottom--"You have been warned." ]

The Motel they found it in... well, it's classified. But, it's a special place. It connects multiple places together. They found it pushed from under a door with a Spiral on it.

Does any of that sound familiar?

Edited 2023-11-12 22:03 (UTC)

[ She is the hero. She was made for this, the perfect person to play the part. And she does more than play it. She rises to the occasion when it counts. He has every confidence in her, because she's the hero he needs for the story, for... everything. And, well, she's a lot more heroic than Alan could ever hope to be, even when he stumbles across something that wakes up that heroic streak inside him.

His has to be woken up, but Jesse just has it. Ready to go and willing to jump in whenever and wherever.

But he has to work harder to conceal the smile that wants to break out as he prepares to answer her question. She might shove him, she might make him float in the air- he might even go flying across the room. He's not quite sure what her reaction will be. But that's half the fun of it, isn't it? ]

Well, I figured you should know, because Alice couldn't stand it: apparently I snore. A lot. Like a buzzsaw.

Special, huh? A connection that exists just between the two of you. And I got in somehow.

[ I'm still surprised she didn't break the connection immediately, or throw enough psychic energy or whatever the hell it is at me until I went crazy. Well, crazier. I wonder if that's something she can actually do. I'm lucky she didn't try it on me. ]

That's just how it is when you get dragged into this mess, isn't it? [ Alan's still learning in a lot of ways, but it's definitely a case of sink or swim. There's no time for treading water. No time for trying to learn the ropes. It's learn as you go, and if you don't, the Dark Place sweeps you away. ]

It starts off strange, and then it decides "strange" isn't good enough, so you get weird... and because you're already there, it adds unusual to top it all off. [ It's a bizarre sundae that no one asked for.

His attention is drawn immediately to the page that she hands him. It's only a copy of it, not the original, but it feels familiar to Alan as he holds it, as if his mind is filling in the blanks for him. Sometimes I hate it when it does that.

If she's hearing the narration from the Hotline, he's hearing himself narrating it. He feels the typewriter keys beneath his fingers, the hard plastic with just the right amount of resistance as he presses them. His fingers move automatically as if remembering the action of typing. ]

Falls, that has to be Bright Falls. Obviously you know who I am. Ocean... [ It's not a lake, it's an ocean. ] Light switch...

[ Haunting. Too late. Alice. Was I too late to save her? ]

Parts of it are familiar. I recognize some of it as something I wrote.

[ Why did they find that page? ]

What did your... your people think when they found it? [ He's not sure why he's asking that, or if she can even tell him. It's probably more classified information that she's not at liberty to give. ]

[ Yet, she doesn't feel like a hero. She doesn't feel as if she's made anything better, or easier, or saved anything. It feels like she's trying to shove her way into a current that loops and loops, but she can never really get through it to grab him. She misses every time. Sometimes she grabs onto his arm, his jacket, or never makes contact. Which is just an allegory to say she feels she's failing.

Failing to be the hero he said he needed.

« I don't want to let anyone down anymore. I'm the Director now. I can't be the girl who always failed everyone. But... that's all I feel I do when it comes to Alan, this story, this AWE. Like I'm not playing my part the right way. That MY way isn't the right way. Maybe that's the problem. The story wants it one way and I'm trying to change it. The way it wants will let the Shadow out and it can't happen. »

Jesse braces herself again for an answer she may not like. Something about her or her apartment or her life as being the head of the Buearu. How things might not be compatible once he's home and free of the Dark Place.

Except that's not the answer she gets.

Her eyes widen and expression falls into something of surprise, shock, maybe a little relief. ]

Really? [ Her tone is still small but there is humor in it--something even of a laugh. ] I have an alien in my head and you think snoring is going to be a problem?

[ This time, a small laugh does make its way out. She holds onto his messenger bag just a bit more. ]

Alan, you're so weird.

[ If he could hear her thoughts in this moment, he would say that it doesn't matter to him that she doesn't feel like a hero. She is in his eyes. She is in every way, as far as he is concerned. It doesn't matter how many loops there have been. It doesn't matter if she feels as though she misses him more than she succeeds in pulling him up.

She's there. She hasn't left. She hasn't left him, and that means more to Alan than even he can put into words.

He waits with eagerness for her reaction, and it feels so on brand for her. It just feels right, and he loves it. ]

Yeah, really. [ He's half playing it up for her amusement (hopefully) and half serious. ] If you ever want a good night's sleep again, and you don't plan on kicking me out to sleep on the couch, I suggest you get some earplugs. Good ones, too. I can get really loud.

[ He can't hold back the smile anymore, and as it spreads across its face, it turns rapidly into a wide grin. ]

I know I am. You sure you want to stick around?

[ It's a joke, of course, meant to be lighthearted and to hopefully make her laugh, but there's just the smallest amount of truth in what he's asking. Maybe he just needs that confirmation one more time, if she'll give it. ]

I... think we can work something out. [ The laugh brings a smirk to her face. ] Maybe find a way to help you with that snoring problem.

[ Jesse finally places his bag on the counter behind her and slowly stands to her full height. Still shorter than him, but, she wants to make sure this gets across. A few uneven steps and she is in front of him, reaching out for both of his hands. She was never one for much physical contact until him.

A gesture is made to a door beyond the dinning table. Beyond it is a room more or less just use for storage. There's no kids or roommate, so, there's been no real use for it. Until now--if he'd want it. ]

You can use that room, if you want. For writing, or, whatever it is you'll want to do when we solve this AWE. [ Her green eyes dart back up to his with a hint of shyness in them. ] The bedroom is on the other side of the apartment. It can fit another person.

Well... it's not really in between. That's something different--the way you contacted me. Polaris doesn't really use the words like you or I do. It's more a feeling and I associate the word to it.

[ It's complicated and she's never really tried explaining it to something. Even less so someone who might be able to understand. ]

I'd say that's a good way to describe it. [ « Horror is another way to say it. But, that stays locked inside. » ] Unless you find a way out of it. Though, I guess you're never really away from it, once you see the world the way it is.

[ Her gaze flicks down the moment his fingers start moving as if he's typing the page. A slightly tilt of her head, but she doesn't point it out. Just makes a note of it for now. The feeling that he finds it familiar is obvious to her before he even says it. If his hands remember the movements... then maybe it's rattling on in his head somewhere. ]

I don't know. By the time I found it, it had been in the Bureau's hold for a few years. It was locked under heavy doors though. Next to a blue thermos? If that sounds familiar. [ Jesse opens the folder again and flips through a few pages. ] They did document that reality felt like it... shifted? Altered? Changed, somehow, when someone read the page. I felt something similar when you reached out to me for the situation with Hartman. Though, I imagine I felt it a little differently than most people do when they read the page.

[ Her head tilts backwards slightly to look at him properly. ] They confirmed it was similar to pages that have been documented around Bright Falls in 2010.

Would... you be alright with telling me what exactly happened then? Back in 2010.

Well, like I said- I get it if it's a dealbreaker. [ He's still grinning though, hoping that further underlines that he's kidding and not at all serious. He's well aware that their relationship might have more than a few roadblocks along the way, and they'll probably butt heads over them, if his track record is any indication. He's not an easy person to be in a relationship with, and he knows that full well. ] If anything about me is a dealbreaker, you don't have to stay.

[ He knows who he is. He knows he's an asshole who drives people away. But more than that, he knows that he wants to be better, because Jesse makes him want to try. Alice made him want to try too, before everything spun out of control and he lost his grip on himself and nearly everything in his life.

He doesn't want to blow it with Jesse, but he worries that the cycle will simply repeat, and he'll be back to where he was thirteen years ago.

But Jesse's moving, putting his bag down on the counter, and standing up. His gaze instantly turns to hers, watching her and being ready to catch her if she wobbles. She doesn't, even though her steps are uneven, and when she reaches for her hands, he takes hold of hers without hesitating.

His gaze shifts in the direction that she indicates, to the door and the room beyond it. And then his gaze returns to hers, gray eyes locked on green. ]

You'd really let me set up in your room? In your apartment? [ He's not sure why he's still surprised. She's let him into her life in so many ways that letting him have a space in her apartment is probably just the logical next step. It just feels like such a big step that he's half expecting the rug to be pulled out from under him at the last minute. ]

I mean, I'd like that. I really would. [ I'd love to live here. To be here when she comes home. I've had that thought before, haven't I? Well, even if I have, it's still true. It'll always be true. I think I'll always want to be in her life as long as she lets me.

His hands squeeze hers gently, and the wide grin on his face changes to a more gentle, but loving smile. ]

[ She glances down, then shakes her head. Maybe there should be red flags. Things about him that say he's volatile to be in a relationship with. Yet, everything she sees is something she feels she can handle. He needs someone to help him, and if he keeps desperately grasping onto anything to get out? Who knows what will happen. Beyond that... she does love him.

She just hopes her constant battle of being overly in control of herself isn't a deal breaker. He may get tired of it one day. He may have his fill with other dimensional beings and things pressing on reality after he leaves the Dark Place for good. ]

The same goes for me. If... any of this is a problem, I want to know. [ Polaris. The Buearu. Other dimensional entities. ] Because I don't want to trap you in this world if... you'd rather leave it behind.

[ Jesse nods to his questions. Why else would she offer it? He probably just wants to be reassured, but, the look is clear in her eyes. He doesn't need to ask again. She's sure. ]

Okay. Then, it's settled. The extra room is for whatever you want... and, I mean, sharing a bed shouldn't be a problem for us.

[ Given she's standing there in her bra and slacks. ]

... Did you want to take a look at it? Either room.

[ Alan listens silently but attentively to her explanation, and then he says: ] Do you ever feel like you're intruding on something you have no right to get in the middle of? That's how I feel, knowing what you've just told me. It's not a bad thing, it's just- [ An uncertain expression takes his face then. ]

It sounds to me like the two of you have your own world, and the rest of the world is just there, looking in. Well, they would if they knew how to look. Not that I do, I just-

[ He feels like he's digging a hole for himself trying to put his thoughts into words, so he just stops himself there. ]

I don't know if I'll be able to see things the same way, not after this. If there is an "after this", for me. [ It's just hard for him to look past these moments and all the insane things going on around him, and to think that maybe the possibility of finding some middle ground between absolute insanity and normal events exists. ]

A blue thermos? [ He looks a little confused as if he's trying to search through his memories for such a thing. ] Wait, I do remember seeing a blue thermos somewhere before. [ Where was it? Was there more than one? Why does that feel so familiar? He can't put his finger on it, and trying to recall specifics only makes his head hurt, but Alan's certain he's seen blue thermoses before. How they're related to anything, he's not entirely sure.

For a second, followed by another, Alan just stares at Jesse. Not blankly, as he's not spiraling away from her. He's just trying to think. He remembers what happened, so it's not that he forgot. No, it's something else. ]

It's a long story, and an insane one. Do you really have the time to hear it?

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oceanview || ❝ hold hands with my demons and creatures of night. ❞

OCEANVIEW I

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