๐ช๐ต๐ด๐ช๐ฒ๐ญ ๐ถ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฌ๐ฎ๐ญ๐ฎ๐ผ. (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
shepherdtostars) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
synthneon2022-10-09 12:51 am
shepherdtostars) wrote in synthneon2022-10-09 12:51 am
Entry tags:
bloody tears || โ our fate so darkly romantic, i will never leave your side. โ
He roams the countryside...
A journey far from doner
Racing the setting sun this battle must be won
no subject
But before he can say anything further, Meteion speaks again, and as her words wash over him, he finds himself freezing in place as everything he has tried to push away and pretend he cannot feel sweeps over him in one giant wave. His hand shakes when she wraps her hands around his, and somehow, he feels Meteion's presence reaching out for the things he has tried to keep at bay.
His face falls a few inches as she speaks about his loneliness and his feelings of not being understood by anyone, because how could anyone understand what it's like to remember being like them but knowing everything has changed? He can't go back to being how he was, or what he was, and he feels as though no one could possibly understand.
Still, there is a part of him that wants to reach out to her, to apologize for her having to feel what he feels. No one should have to do that, and yet here they are. She asked for this, but he wonders if she regrets that now. And as she continues speaking, he finds himself shaking his head as his thoughts and emotions swirl around. No one would want to treat him as the person he used to be. He wonders at times if the household staff that remain only do so out of loyalty to his parents, because why would they be loyal to him? He has never treated them badly, but he imagines that he must look like such a disgusting creature to their eyes.
Meteion squeezes his hand, and at first, he believes he feels nothing but the same old despair that he has felt all this time. It is slow, and he barely notices it, but as the seconds pass, he feels something strange and unfamiliar. Love, Meteion calls it. And not just any old love that isn't directed at anyone in particular. It's directed at the other person in the room: the one who, for reasons Aymeric barely understands, hasn't fled from him without looking back. ]
Can I even love her? Can I love anyone? [ He has spent so long doubting that very thing that he cannot help but question Meteion now. ]
Of- Of course you can call me Aymeric. [ Anyone could call him anything, insulting or even neutral, and he would most likely answer. His gaze is momentarily pulled to look at Alkaid, and he startles with surprise, because he does not see her as the miqo'te who has stayed with him in spite of everything. His eyes widen and his mind races to try and understand just what it is he is seeing. But again, Meteion speaks, and his focus turns to her once more. ]
How much does she feel?
no subject
Why would he ask such a thing if he clearly does love her? He has the emotions there in his heart, he feels it, so why does he not understand it? Despair has not claimed him to the point in which nothing might pierce the veil... for he still reaches out to the other soul in the room. She pauses before rushing to an answer.
Has he truly removed himself from his heart this much? Perhaps her idea may cause further damage then. Yet, it is the only thing she can think to help bridge the gap not only within Aymeric, but between him and the one she calls "Lily." A gap she does not fully understand why it exists when their emotions say something so very different. ]
ยซ You do love someone. Why would you think you cannot love someone if you do? ยป [ Meteion asks her question less on a philosophical level and on more of a level of confusion. She hums lightly before shaking her head. Perhaps that is not a question she can answer.
Instead, she turns towards the second half of the conversation. She smiles widely at the acceptance of being able to address him by his name. Then, she half turns and stretches her hand out towards Lantaa. The Miqo'te looks from Meteion, to Aymeric, then back to Meteion with worry in her eyes. Meteion shakes her head.
ยซ I promise it will be fine. ยป Meteion smiles and speaks only to her "master" at that moment. ยซ What better way for your feelings to reach his, Lily? ยป
A moment passes before Lantaa quietly steps up to the pair. Her ears are pressed down to her head, tail still, frowning in worry that she is unable to help the man she loves. Her attention drifts back to her familiar as Meteion makes a motion and explains to her what to do. She raises her hand and Meteion places Aymeric's over hers. Then, Meteion's smaller hands attempt to encompass both of theirs.
ยซ Let me feel everything you do for him. That way, for this moment, he can feel it too. ยป
Lantaa shares one more worried glance to her familiar before turning her two-toned eyes back to Aymeric. Meteion closes her eyes and the wings atop her head lift as she begins to channel the emotions of one to the other. Lantaa's hand gently clasps around his as her mind tries to find a way to express all that she feels for him. Yet, once she begins, there is hardly stopping the wave of emotions that once again washes over her.
She loves him. Not only unconditionally, not only as one who cares for another, but romantically as well. She loves him so much she is afraid her heart might burst in an attempt to contain it all, for what if she frightens him away? Not just him as Aymeric, the Temple Knight made vampire, Viscount Borel, but him as who he has remained to be in all their traveled lives. The soul of the man she met so many, many ages ago and wished to bind herself to. The man that completes her in every way and strengthens her to do all that she can for him. The one that she wishes to hold, to kiss, to live a fulfilled life with again and again so long as their star continues to force them into new lives. Her one and only true love that she is so very afraid she might lose forever and be left alone through countless lives.
Lantaa lowers her gaze out of shame, worried she has shared too much and pushed him away. Her free hand raises to brush at her eyes as tears begin to slip down her face. What if she cannot help him in this life? Will he walk away and break their bond, wishing to find another who does not cling to him in such ways?
He has said before, in this life, he will not leave nor ask her to leave him. Yet, will he now, knowing the depth that her love for him goes?
If you leave, what is the point of this life--of any life? I'm only here because for you. Lantaa can't help the thoughts coming to her mind, knowing they are ones that reside deep in her soul. The next words that come are ones she know she has shared with him int his life before, but something of them seems to come from deeper within her.
I would rather remain at the bottom of the aetheric sea and wither away if it means one more life without you. If I must live continuously without you, I would rather not participate at all. ]
no subject
If it would not be an entirely overwrought and unbecoming action, he would momentarily hide his face in his hands to buy himself some time to compose himself and to think of how best to respond. But then again, perhaps the brief respite would be of no help at all, so he merely says the first thing to come to mind. ]
I may be able to use mere words to admit to that, but to convince myself of it is another matter entirely. And what sort of life can I offer, even should she, or anyone, consent to share those feelings with me?
[ Perhaps that is something else he fears. Lantaa has already had a hard enough life, and she has known danger as well. He cannot guarantee her safety, nor can he guarantee that he will not hurt her. She seems confident enough that he will not, but he still does not possess that same level of confidence. There is much about himself and his abilities that he does not believe in, however much he wishes to.
But he cannot go on being afraid and hesitant forever, and so he does not offer any further protest to Meteion's suggestion. When their hands are joined, he feels only a moment's uncertainty, as he does not know what to expect. Will this be unpleasant? Overwhelming? He cannot tell.
What happens next is best described as a wave that will not end sweeping over him, as everything that Lantaa feels washes over him. It does not sweep him away, as he might have expected, but it is such a swirl of emotions and feelings that she is now sharing with him, with help from Meteion, that he cannot help but feel entirely overwhelmed.
Even as the wave continues, something inside him is loudly proclaiming that he loves her in return, and he only hopes that she can feel that through their shared connection. But it is not until the messages contained in Lantaa's thoughts reach him that his own emotions break through the mask he has worked to create for himself.
It could very easily go unnoticed especially if no one is looking, but moisture forms in his eyes, a little bit at a time, until it becomes quite obvious that his own ancient memories are calling out in protest. Lantaa should not be alone, nor should she remain alone at the bottom of the aetheric sea. They should live their lives together, as they are meant to be with each other, not separated or kept apart by anything... not even his own fears and worries.
Nearly automatically, Aymeric's hands tighten around Meteion's and Lantaa's both, and although he does not speak, there is a look of desire plain in his eyes, if they should chance to spot it. Perhaps it is insignificant, and not the response either Meteion or Lantaa were looking for, but it does not feel insignificant to him. Something inside him has woken up, and it is something other than his darker instincts. Those, he does not welcome, but this new feeling is something that he wishes to let in and encourage to grow. ]
no subject
She finds herself wishing her creator was there to explain such possibilities to her.
Meteion smiles as Aymeric's hand squeezes theirs. She can feel the desire and love that comes from him, reaching out to the Miqo'te in front of them. Lantaa, however, seems to almost be drowning in her own loneliness and fears. Meteion glances between them before removing her hands gently so that Aymeric may hold onto Lantaa's without her interference. She remembers sensing this loneliness and heartbreak... it is what drew her to the small child all those years ago.
Lantaa gently shakes, almost seemingly melting down to her knees and onto the floor. The memories take hold, bringing forth hazy images of watching her beloved marry another. She had become just another face in the crowd, melting away as fast she could in order not to see him happy with another.
The heartbreak and sorrow that filled her... what was the point of it all? All she had ever wanted--and still does--is to wrap her arms around him and love him, and be loved in return. Lives together over and over. Yet, as many before, she felt him slip away from her at that moment. Just as she sees him slip away from her into the dark corners of the house to push her away.
What is the point of it all if we can never...
Her shoulders fall, and if he had not been holding onto her hand, she would have simply allowed herself to collapse onto the floor. Instead, her head hangs and allows her darker hair to spill over her shoulders. If she cannot help him, be with him, love him, save him... ]
...If I cannot, then why? [ Her voice once more falls into hushed tones, but this time there is no stammer in her words. Instead she speaks as she would if she were slightly older. Her voice is still Lantaa, yet it is clear that it is also an older cadence and tone: one from very long ago that is still her. ] I am only here because you asked me... you wanted me here with you ... to try again... but, I cannot seem to help you... [ Lantaa's voice breaks into something more akin to herself merged into those ancient feelings. ] Will you find someone else who can...? Because, I.... I can't live another life knowing you are with another who is better... if all I do is fail you... why else would we pulled apart if I was not the one you should be...
no subject
He remains aware of Meteion's presence beside them both, and of course he can still feel what Lantaa feels thanks to Meteion's aid, but his attention is focused solely upon Lantaa. At first, he thinks that he might kneel in front of her, but he decides that he should remain standing. His hands remain where they are, holding onto hers as firmly but still gently as he can manage.
In this moment, he is not Aymeric, but someone old yet still every bit as capable of being loving as he was when the days they knew were younger, and they themselves were young. ]
Why? [ Like hers, his voice remains largely the same, yet there is a slight difference in tone and a lack of hesitancy that was there just moments ago. ] Are you here only because you were asked to, or because you wished to come? [ Perhaps the question seems a pointless one, or one without distinction, but it does not seem that way to Aymeric.
Unlike his present self, his past self is convinced that this is what is meant to happen. The two of them are meant to be together as vampire and lady, but it will not be achieved without some effort. ]
If we were not supposed to be together... [ He smiles then, in a way that is quite different from the small, rather reserved smiles that his present self gives, when he does give them, which is not often. ] Why do you suppose that you and I are here?
[ Something has woken them up, causing them to still be who they are in this life while harking back to who they once were in another life. And that, in his mind, is sign enough. ]
no subject
Her hands give a reflexive twitch at the sound of his older tone. Aymeric is truly him, and he is truly Aymeric--her one and only. The one she bound herself to so many, many lives ago, despite the protests and chiding of her fellows. The one she still desires to be with even in face of all the pain and heartache they have had in lives apart. ]
I want... I want to be with you again... always. [ The tone in her voice is still olden, but phrased in ways Lantaa would speak. The desire is the same in any life, for any version of him. ] You asked... you wanted to try once more... I only came because you said we would be together and nothing would keep us apart.
[ Then, her hold on his hands goes slack. In a moment it as is if she has lost all the strength in her person. She leans forward into his legs, unable to keep herself upright any longer.
Lantaa realizes, rather perhaps recalls, this is how he had found her in the aetheric sea. Void of strength, and almost hopeless, convinced that no matter what the two of them desire, the mortal world would not allow them to act on their bond.
The feeling of shame rises in her--that he must see her in such a state. That she is so very broken in not only this mortal life, but down to her very soul. Surely, it is unbecoming, and even distasteful to see. Unattractive. She can hear the love in his voice, the smile in his words. But, she cannot bring herself to look at him and see his reaction to her broken state. ]
I-I should have left. [ Lantaa's voice quivers. ] I-I should have left the cave sooner... to find you... they hurt you so deeply, and changed you... and I can't heal you. I can't change you back... I can't... even with everything I know... or could know...
[ Her hushed tones turn into a whisper: ] What can I do to mend what they broke, Aymeric? What can I do to help you so you don't slip away again, Costas? I-I don't know.
[ Don't leave me in this life too. Not now, not after we found each other like you said we would... ]
no subject
And we shall. We shall be together, and nothing will keep us apart, even though I- [ Well, the him that has been made so afraid by the turn his life took in this life. ] Even though I might not always know how best to ensure both things become reality. [ But even now, there is a shift in his thinking and in his resolve: a determination to fight for them to be together as they both clearly wish to be.
When she goes slack, his posture strengthens and he holds her up, offering what support he can, because that is what partners and lovers such as them do for each other. ]
How would you have known? [ His tone shifts again and it is more like the knight turned vampire who fears himself and what he might do. ] I did not even know before- Before it happened. [ What happened was not either of their faults, and he certainly cannot imagine placing blame with her. ]
I can't be changed back, and it can't be undone. [ He says that to remind himself of that harsh reality, as he often needs to tell himself that from time to time. ] What can we do now... [ Of course there is no simple answer to that question however much he wishes there was one.
The answer that he wants to give will not change what has happened, but it just might be what they need to keep moving forward together. ]
You can- You can stay. [ The words feel and sound foolish even as he says them, but he presses on regardless. ] Stay with me, and talk with me and- [ He shakes his head because this all sounds completely ridiculous, but he believes that she helps more than she realizes and perhaps more than even he realizes. ]
I don't have any of the answers to your questions, but if you stay- maybe we will learn them together. [ And, perhaps too late, he realizes that when she is nearby, he wants to be more than a mindless vampire giving into his darker urges. Perhaps it is possible to bring together the instincts that seem to sometimes be at war with each other. He can still be Aymeric the knight, but he can also be Aymeric the vampire, as he simply must be because there is no undoing what has been done. She gives him a reason to try and accomplish that.
That is not the only reason he wishes for her to remain, of course. ]
Stay, and I will do what I can to take care of you and love you, and I will not slip away. I promise. [ Neither will he hide himself from her, because that would hardly be living up to that promise. ] Is- Is that acceptable?
no subject
I'm sorry that I'm... [ Lantaa presses her face into his leg gently. I'm sorry that I've become this way. ] I'll do whatever I can to help. Even though I'm...
[ Even though she is so very broken and so very weak in this life. Part of her wonders how he can look at her and still see her, the woman he fell in love with all those lifetimes ago. Her eyes open slightly before rubbing her cheek into his leg. ]
I may not have known, but I could have helped. You wouldn't have had to be alone through it all.
[ Her ears tilt against her head fully with her large tail draping beside her. A small sound of guilt manages to find its way out before she tilts her head up to look at him. The look in her eyes softens as he gives his resolution. Of course she'll stay with him. She'll be with him as long as desires her to be--and perhaps even beg him to allow her to stay if he does not wish her presence any longer.
Her hands gently clasp around his and give a weak tug. They slip from his in order to wrap around his neck and pull him close. She guides him to rest his head between her neck and shoulder, trying to hold onto him but comfort him at the same time. Fingers curl into the hair at the bottom of his neck and his shirt. ]
I'll stay. [ Lantaa nudges his cheek and her tone slips once more into something old yet her current life. ] Forever.
[ Her knight and her vampire. She tries to pull herself up to at least be on the same height with him, but finds her legs would rather not work as she needs them. Instead, she falls slack against him once more. She is supposed to comfort and care for him, and now... ]
no subject
You are yourself, and that is enough. [ And even as he says those words, he tries to take the message in them to heart as well. He is who he is, and that will have to be enough because there is no changing what has happened. ]
Am I alone now? [ The question is, of course, theoretical, as he is not. He has Lantaa now, and her familiar, if she counts. And of course, what remains of the household staff.
It has always been himself who made himself feel isolated and alone, when that was not entirely the case. It seems to him now that his problem was being so focused on himself and his problems that he ceased to look outward at the world around him, to see that he was not truly alone. ]
I had hoped you would say that. [ Because there is the smallest part of him that believes he has very little to give her, other than himself and his care, and he would not blame her for wishing to leave. But there is no doubt in his mind that leaving is not an option for either of them, not anymore. ]
Lantaa. [ He slides his arms around her and draws her in against him just slightly. ] Lean against me if you need to. [ And it seems to him that she does, so he intends to offer all the support that he can give. ]
no subject
No, but... they hurt you... and I'm supposed to heal your hurts. [ Her head rests against him as her eyes slip shut once more. ] If I had pushed myself to leave, I could of been there at the start... and ...
[ Although she wonders if she truly would have been able to leave with the mindset she was in. It took Aymeric having a near fatal wound for her to find him and leave the cave. Even more so, it took his talents and faith for her to find the trust and courage to leave. Could she have truly left on her own? ]
Always, my love. [ Her tone remains in the olden way. The ancient soul inside attempting to promise that she will, despite how broken she might feel. Even if the ancient man cannot answer? She hopes that he will at least be able to hear her. ] No matter where you go.
[ Lantaa tightens her hold on him by a fraction and leans against him as he has instructed. She tries once more to ease herself up, but it seems the emotional state has truly taxed her strength. Her head tilts down to hide in shame, as it must surely look pathetic to him. The bath is far from her mind as now she believes that perhaps retiring for the night is best for both of them.
A soft mewl comes from her in a mix of frustration and embarrassment.
Meteion, on the other hand, smiles sweetly and crosses her arms behind her back. She has much to think on what she has just witnessed.. things to ponder and consider. She gives a small curtsy to Aymeric he looks her way before once more taking the form of the small blue bird and then seemingly disappearing. ]
no subject
Perhaps... [ And this is hard for him to admit, but he presses on regardless. ] Perhaps this was intended to happen, and thus could not have been forestalled by anyone, not even- Not even you. [ His voice falters at this admission, but he does not wish for her to feel badly about it. ]
Good. I- I must admit that I can scarcely imagine no longer having you here, although it has not been very long at all. I realize how that sounds, that I may very well seem foolish for feeling that way so soon. [ Especially since it was not all that long ago that he was hiding himself from her. ]
Should you leave for any reason, I rather think that I would follow after you.
[ And with that thought in mind, he pulls her in even closer, one hand moving to rest in her hair, where he begins to give small but reassuring strokes. And given her present state, he wonders if they ought not forgo their other plans and simply move to sleeping. She might benefit from it, at least. ]
If I might make a suggestion...?
no subject