bloody tears || ❝ our fate so darkly romantic, i will never leave your side. ❞

[shepherdtostars]

bloody tears

AU PLOTLINE

The land is wrought with terror
He roams the countryside...
A journey far from doner
Racing the setting sun this battle must be won CODE BY TESSISAMESS

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[shepherdtostars]

[ She nods to his answers. Her hands nearly raise to leave him before he speaks again. A tilt of her head and gentle twitch of her bent ears gives way.

That older, more ancient part, struggles to say what she wishes to. How she wishes things were as simple and forthcoming as they used to be. How she wishes their past misfortunes did not leave her as she is now, so he could see all the love she holds inside for him. For she must be the broken one, not him. He has held his head high and confident in every life they would be together. Where... well, her doubts, seem to root her further in place.

Was I not the one who was so confident and hopeful when we blinded our paths in a time no longer known? How can you even recongize me as this, Costas...? ]

What is it?

[thewayforpeace]

[ There are times when words, ancient or otherwise, come easily to him. And then there are times such as these when they seem to fail him. Perhaps in another life, he found it easier to speak. In this particular life, however, he finds himself hesitating more often than not. To communicate is necessary, so that she might understand what he thinks and feels, but it seems that he can hardly manage to do that.

He shakes his head once, as if hoping that will dislodge the words that seem to be stick in his mind. ]

Would you- [ The words seem to get stuck in his throat now, and he feels a sense of frustration rise up. ]

Would you assist me in readying for bed?

[shepherdtostars]

[ Her eyebrows turn ever so slightly at the shake of his head. If only she knew what he would think and feel. If that ability was one that she had? She has surely lost it somewhere along the way, and, perhaps it makes her even more disappointing in his eyes. Should the soul you are bound to not know these things? Should she not be able to sense and feel them, to know when he might need certain reassurances? Why must she continue to be a disappointment when it is her who begs that he stay with her?

What a selfish person she must truly be.

Lantaa's hands curl into thr fabric of the simple shirt when he finally speaks. Her eyes widen and a certain sparkle seems to come to her eyes at the request. It was something they did for one another long ago, was it not? Something that both enjoyed immensely ad it showed a care for one another that no one else could show...

Her hands drop to the edge of his shirt where they curl. A slight tug is given to communicate that she will be more than willing. She easily helps him undress, then pulls the bedding back for him. She quickly tends to the candles and gently stokes the fire once before finding her way into the side of the bed she has quite rather claimed. Then, she curls up in that spot, eyes on him, waiting go see if he might request something else. ]

[thewayforpeace]

[ He wishes he were more in tune with his own thoughts and feelings. At times, they seem within reach, only to escape before he can begin to make sense of them. Perhaps if he knew what he felt and thought, maybe Lantaa would be able to understand as well, and there would not be what feels like a strange gap between them. All he wants is to be with her, to not be separated, but circumstances seem to be conspiring to do just that.

A small smile crosses his face at the sight of the sparkle in her eyes, and for just a moment, he feels as though he has done something right for both of them. Once he has undressed with her assistance, he moves to the bed to lie beside her. ]

I am happy that you are here. [ He hesitates, because he would ask if she is also happy to be here, but what if her answer is no? What if he has neglected a need of hers? ] I wish that I did not have to depart, as that is hardly fair to you. [ Perhaps he will return only to find her gone. Gone where, he does not know, but perhaps she might find somewhere more suited to her than here. ]

[shepherdtostars]

[ A hand reaches out to curl into his nightshirt as she lays on her side beside him. While she may not say the words, the gentle warmth in her eyes says that she is indeed happy to be where she is. His home, even if broken in some places, is far better than the cave she had grown up in. Even the room he had offered before both seemed to simply gravitate to sharing a room had been better. She truly is happy to be in his home at his side, regardless of the emotions that always seem to pull her down. ]

Wars don't care if they are fair or unfair. You're a knight... a protector. You always have been. [ A glance to the side before she looks down slightly. She reminds herself not to bring up specifics, despite the need inside her to speak of them. He is not as connected as she is to their ancient past and should not always be reminded of it. ] You--you will have Estinien with you; he is truly your friend, and, he will keep you company while I and Meteion are unable to.

[ Her gaze drops once more. ] Was there anything you wished to speak of? Anything at all.

[thewayforpeace]

[ He nods in agreement with her statement about wars, but he goes on to ask: ] Am I a protector if I am leaving you here on your own? [ He realizes now that that seems to be what he doubts most. Reid might stop in when he can, and of course, Meteion will still be present, but it still feels as though he is failing to protect them both. ]

Tell me something that you recall about us. [ He knows she will know what he means, as she is more in tune with their previous lives, but he hopes that by hearing her speak about it, he might join her there. ] Even if it is only a feeling, or a brief thought, I would like to hear it. [ He pauses, and then he adds: ]

Please.

[shepherdtostars]

You have always strive to protect your people and your homeland. [ She gently nudges her nose to the side of his chest. Then, she pauses, glancing up to see if he has approved of the gesture. ] Sometimes... you have to go far away to protect me.

[ Even if that meant him not returning. ]

There are several things I can remember. [ Several things, at any time, and perhaps that is not at all a good thing. She glances down to the side and curls up against him slightly. ] I... I doubt there were many lives were we... are like we are now. Not as many as we hoped for.

[ Lantaa closes her eyes. ] I think we have been here--in Ishgard before. We looked different. You were a knight, and had standing, and an important family. Mine, we ran a tavern, or an inn...? [ So many of the minor details are lost to time. ] I don't know if you ever realized we were... but I knew. I wanted to tell you that I was in love, that you were my one and only.

[ She can remember the dress she had worn, the way her hair was done. The inn was abuzz that night with a party, but that had hardly mattered to her. All she had been focused on was hoping he would be there that night and that she could tell him. Even if he didn't return it, or couldn't, that would be fine. At least he would have known they had found one another again. She thought she was ready, she thought she was prepared. She should have realized that something else was going on. ]

But, the night I was going to... it was a party. And, I didn't realize until I saw you, that it was a party for your engagement announcement.

[ And, I wasn't the one to be your bride. ]

[thewayforpeace]

[ Of course he knows that her words are true, and while he can hardly begin resenting his duties and responsibilities, and the realities of life that must separate them, he knows that in his private thoughts, he does resent those things. And on top of that, he believes all of this to be quite unfair. Believing that does not alter the situation, but he cannot help how he feels. ]

But you must know that I do not wish to go far away and leave you here. I am- Well, I am doing it willingly, because I do not feel forced, but I am hardly doing so gladly.

[ He hopes that she understands the distinction there. He goes because duty says he must, and he does not mind doing his duty, but he is not happy about it.

He falls silent so that he might hear her explanation, as he feels it is quite important. ]

A knight with standing? I can hardly envision such a thing. You, however: I could see you being a noble lady with quite a lot of standing.

[ But again, he quiets so that she can finish. ]

Even then, there was a connection? That does not surprise me. I wonder- [ What was I feeling at that time? ] I wonder if neither of us were pleased that I was engaged to another.

[ She has not said that in so many words, that that was the purpose of the party, but he can read between the lines. ]

[shepherdtostars]

[ Her hands curl into his nightshade as she pulls herself closer to him. A simple nod is given to his statement, followed by pressing her nose into his chest. Yes, she does understand the difference. That is why she has always admired him so very much. He will rise above his own feelings for greater callings and good. While it seems she is the selfish one.

She shakes her head. ] N-No, I was of less social standing. We simply owned the tavern and inn. There was no noble titles or names. Respected, but, we didn't have the lineage.

[ Not much has changed in this life, has it?

Her hands clench onto him then. Of course there was a connection. They bound their souls together for as many lifetimes as they would want. They are meant to be together in any life. The connection is always there. Will life allow them to realize and act on it is another thing entirely.]

I wasn't. [ Her answer is immediate and spoken louder than she has the other pieces of her tale. ] I wasn't at all...

[ Lantaa lowers her head and hides her face in his shirt from shame. He will most certainly think less of her for such things. He, the proper guardian of his people. Yet, she is the one who cannot seem to let him go. She is the one who clings to him and their binding promise. She is the one who cannot embrace new lives and chances without the worst assumptions.

She was the one who lay at the bottom of the aetheric sea, refusing to let go of past hurts, and refusing to live another life. Not him, not her Costas. How she, Althea, must have fallen in his eyes.

She tilts her head further to hide her face more. ]

It didn't matter if I was or wasn't... Ishgard needed it. Everyone needed it. It was a good match. You looked perfect together, just as a noble couple should look.

[ Her knees curl as well as her dark large tail curling around her. ] And I had to let you go.

[ The words bring forth another memory, as their phrasing is of the same cadence. Had she said them or had he? Him, in her arms, as she desperately tried to heal his mortal wound. As she tried to mend flesh, bone, and muscle quickly to save what little life remained in him. The sky burned, stars fell, people tan past in horror, screaming and sobbing. She was one of those sobbing and begging him not to leave her.

She could save him. They could live their life together far away. Their city was doomed, they could move to another... but, no, it was not to be. She knew it and refused to accept it. They promised one another. Even as the light was leaving his eyes, she tried so desperately to keep him with her.

She had to let him go.

Lantaa flinches harshly, feeling tears spring to her closed eyes. She desperately tries to keep them inside. Even if she feels as if she's been struck, and she--her ancient heart--seems to bend and recoil at the pain, he doesn't need to know. The burden does not need to weigh him down as it does her in all her lives. The pain that is truly at the root of it all. ]

I had to let you go...

[thewayforpeace]

[ But perhaps he should be more selfish. Perhaps he should let his desires take the lead rather than his sense of duty. After all, is putting her last fair to her? Is it fair to either of them? Life may not be fair, but perhaps he can have just one instance of selfishness. Of course, only he can decide upon that. ]

Perhaps in another life, our roles were reversed, and you were a noble lady with high standing.

[ There is so much that he could say, so many responses he could have, but in the space of a a few minutes, a memory springs forth for him as well, and he finds himself abruptly feeling rather weak at the knees, as if standing is suddenly becoming difficult.

These memories have never surfaced before, and it may seem odd that they should do so now, but some force or buried desire from both of them seems determined to conspire with the other to force both of them to recall memories that have been buried by time.

It takes great effort for him to remain standing, and instinct rather than his own will sees his hands move reflexively and protectively as if to shield a vulnerability. It might seem ludicrous that both of them would recall the same memory at the exact same time, but stranger things have happened, have they not?

But whether it makes sense or not, suddenly Aymeric is more Costas than he is himself, and he tilts his head slowly, as if searching to meet her gaze and not quite managing it. ]

I- [ His voice falters and he has to try again, as if something is urging him to, because this moment is more important than any other, as it was (is? The lines between past and present seem to be blurring just a little) their last chance to speak to each other. ] I'm sorry.

[ But is it Costas or Aymeric speaking, or a strange combination of both? Even Aymeric himself cannot tell. ]

[shepherdtostars]

Perhaps... I don't see why it would be impossible to believe.

[ She feels his arms encircle her, and instinctively, she curls into his hold. Her gaze is pointed within his chest still as she attempts to contain the ancient sorrow that seeps from her heart. The sorrow that is truly at the heart of all of the pain that has carried over in each continual life. The one that pulls at her core, that has been proven time and time again that perhaps they are simply not meant to share a life together. The one that ultimately is the reason she had initially refused to be reborn in this life.

Which memories he has seen or felt is beyond her understanding. What she is aware of is the tone of his voice, and who that tone quite belongs to. Of course, it is still Aymeric's voice, and he and his ancient soul are one in the same. Yet, the tone is older and ancient, perhaps eluding to an awareness that he rarely can feel outside of moments like this. That alone is what has her raise her gaze to look up towards him.

Her eyes meet his and in a moment her ancient soul seems to quiver. Her gaze waters. Her hands clench and then begin to move as if to reach up to him. Yet, she stops herself, for what if Costas does not wish to speak with her or return her affections? What if she has fallen so far in his eyes that she is no longer the woman he loved, but merely a shadow, as she feels she is? ]

[thewayforpeace]

[ He reaches back for her without thinking, as the state of mind he has fallen into has him simultaneously reaching out for comfort but wanting to offer it as well. She provides him with the comfort he needs, but he also tries to give it to her in return.

The resurfacing memories seem to swirl around, causing a confusing sort of storm in his mind, but above them all is memory of their last moments together. Some memories are still obscured to him, but what he knows is that time is short and he cannot waste a minute of it.

When she pauses in reaching for him, he reaches back for her so that their hands touch and he wraps his fingers around hers.

Althea... He tries to voice the name aloud, but what comes out is a different sort of declaration. ]

I- I love you. [ And I want to stay with you. It isn't fair... He would never say those last words aloud, but it is not fair: this separation, and the other separations that came after it. Whether or not they found their way to each other again, it still feels unfair that they were parted at all. And yet, what control do they have over that? None at all, or so it seems. ]

[shepherdtostars]

[ Her fingers curl around his in return. Some part of her mind, not overridden by long passed memories or emotions, points that they should rest. He is to leave in the morning no matter what either of them truly wish or feel. A sense of the realist attempts to break through. The moment he speaks, however, that fleeting thought of realism slips away.

Lantaa--or perhaps Althea--curls against him and slips her fingers between his. His reason for departing was noble. After all, who were they to deny a chance at life for two little ones that had been robbed of their parents? She did her utmost to look after them, to care for them, in what time remained. A part of her was never truly there any longer. It felt as if a piece of who she was had left with Costas to the aetheric sea. A piece that has never fully returned in fear that she may never find him again if it does. ]

I love you; for all eternity. No matter where our lives will take us, or what shapes it gives us, or even if I'm forced to be with another. It's you who I love and always will. My one and only.

[thewayforpeace]

[ Perhaps Aymeric ought to question why the recollections of their parting in that other life have come to mind now, but he does not. It seems that he does not recall nearly the same amount of details from their shared past, and so now that these memories have surfaced, he intends to hold onto them and take whatever details he can from them.

In his mind, he is Costas, and she is Althea, and these are their last moments together as themselves in these forms. His fingers curl against hers in return, and although there is more he wishes to say, it seems he lacks the strength to. And that is quite the strange feeling, as he is in no present danger in the present, but it seems that these memories go beyond mere recollections.

Although he does not speak, he fixes his gaze on hers, hoping to communicate without words and just with the look in his eyes. ]

[shepherdtostars]

[ Lantaa's gaze softens at the expression in his eyes. She knows that look in his eyes. She has seen it, and it seems somehow burned into her very essence, no matter how many lives she is reborn in. Her fingers slide from his as she adjusts to lay atop him, then, they move to cup his face. Her fingers gently rest on his skin as she forces him to look at her.

She is certainly herself, but she is also Althea. While the memories of the past haunt her? She is still aware that this is a new life and not their first lives together. The time passed ages ago and nothing could bring them back. All she wishes from those days is her lives with him as they promised one another. ]

Aymeric, [ she presses her forehead to his gently, ] Costas. We are here now--in this life. Even if we are parted from again and again before... this life you promised would be different. Remember? [ A gentle nudge is given to his nose. ] You found me in the sea; you pulled me up into your arms.

[ Lantaa gently kisses his cheek. ] You're here with me now.

[thewayforpeace]

[ He hears her words and feels her trying to pull him back from the resurfacing memories, but they are not so inclined to let him go that easily, nor will they be dislodged so soon. Of all the memories he wished to recall, the memory of their last moments together as Costas and Althea is not one of them. But of course, it rarely is that simple.

Words seem to fail, but he reaches for her hand to squeeze it as firmly as he is able. It would be better if he could speak and reassure her that her words have reached him, but until this moment passes, and whatever it is that is hindering his voice lets go, gestures and holding her hand is all he can manage. It is quite frustrating, as this is not the first time that he found himself unable to communicate as he wished to, but perhaps this will be the last time. It is already one time too many, in his mind. ]

[shepherdtostars]

[ She pauses as his hands grip onto hers tightly. Her gaze travels to his once more to find her beloved, in both his essences, swirling in emotions of eons ago. Water takes to her eyes once more. As Althea, she is very aware of what this moment is to him. The memory is burned into her very soul; unable to be dislodged no matter how many countless lives she is born into. Seeing the light of life dull in his gaze as he desperately tried to hold on, but knew it was fruitless to allow her to try to heal him.

She does want him to be stuck swirling in memories as she does. The fact he rises above them to guide and be her knight has always been something she needs. The pair of them drowning in such ancient feelings will hardly do either of them good. As such, she needs to pull him forward as he does so many times for her.

Lantaa--rather--Althea lifts her head and rests her cheek to his for but a moment. Then, her gaze meets his once before curling her hands around his to hold them securely. Then, she rests her forehead to his. The olden look takes her eyes once more. Now, however, she seems to be not only sad but worn down as well. He may have never seen such an expression on Althea's face. Such emotions followed after his departure to the sea. ]

I did my best to care for them--the little ones you had saved. [ The ones he had died to protect from the beasts once made from the city he so very much loved. The ones that had lost their parents and their hero in one night.

Althea turns her eyes from his then, aware that perhaps she did not do well enough for them. Her own mourning was great and all consuming in another way than theirs. A way she tried to hide from all around her. ] I took them far away to the place we had all meant to go. The skies never stopped being amber and black, even as they found a way to stop the end. She asked for my sister and I to return with her, to stop the endless cycle of death to revive the star as we knew it. I did not want to fight anymore. I did not want to lose more. The little ones needed me... and I needed them.

[ They felt as if they were the last link between her and her beloved. The last people on the star who knew him and saw him depart.

Despite her attempts, tears begin to quietly slip from her eyes. Althea closes them in hopes that if he does not see her eyes, that the ancient memories will subside and he will remember and feel that he is alive now. ]

I miss you, Costas. That is why you must know you are here with me. As our lives now. Even if the memories haunt us now and then... we are alive here. Together. As you promised me we would be. You were right.

[ Her hands gently pull from his so that she might take his face into her hands. Her face scrunches slightly as her hands tremble. Lantaa opens her eyes, and while the old look is still there, she sounds far more like the quiet woman she has become: ]

A-and that's why you'll come home even if you are to leave in the morning. A-and why I'll wait for you here. Even if we have before in other lives... you have promised you'll come home.

[thewayforpeace]

[ The effort that it takes for him to pull himself out of the swirling memories with her assistance is still monumental, and the strain of it briefly reflects on his face. It seems that these memories, once awoken, are quite strong and the hold they have on him is not so easily broken. But the one person who could aid him in that is already doing so, and the part of him that is Aymeric wishes to reconcile past and present but still be himself. He does not wish to be tied down by the memory of their parting so long ago now, but rather be defined by the happy, fulfilling moments that they shared in that life and across the others they have lived together.

He leans into her touch and his eyes close for a moment as the hurt and sadness that those memories brought to life washes away. And then he opens them again and fixes his gaze upon hers. Costas comes to life for just a moment more, as if these moments between them are the closure they did not have the luxury of having all those lifetimes ago. ] I- I wish that I could have been there with you, to see all of you safe and well. [ But even though he did not live to see that, he had no doubts in his mind that Althea would care for them, as she had cared for many others.

He quiets as he listens to her speak, and when he sees the tears form and fall from her eyes, he tries to reach up to wipe them away. ]

I am very sorry that I left you and the children alone. [ Without him, he means. At least they had each other, as she has stated that both she and the children needed each other. ] But... [ An olden look of his own takes hold again, and for a moment, he seems to be far away. ]

We are together. [ And with those words, that look fades from view again, but the look of need and wanting that is left in its place is no less intense. ]

I will come home. I promise. [ And he would make that promise again and again if she asked him to. ]

[shepherdtostars]

[ Her thumbs brushes along his cheeks in hopes the gentle gesture aids him in his struggle. The strain is evident on his face, and K'lantaa feels the worry bubble up inside her. Yet, Althea wishes for a few more moments with her beloved. It is not as if they are separate beings or personalities inside her. Rather, a fully realized being, who wishes to live with her bounded partner. Her memories seem to coexist alongside her current life, and, it would seem the ancient soul worries that she may lose her ancient love in the mists of new lives. ]

We did as we could. Before... it all changed. [ Her older tones continue as she leans in to kiss his chin gently. ] You were--and are--never from my thoughts, Costas.

[ His olden gaze fades, but hers remains, somehow ever present. It lingers there as a force that yearns for him to be whole as her in their current life. Such a thing is quite impossible given his fragmented distrusting nature now. Aether that runs far too chaotic, and a hatred for what he is, while wishing he could be who he was. Yet, to Lantaa and Althea, he is always her beloved.

His answer is not met in words but an action. She kisses him gently, tilting his head towards hers properly. He will come home. He has to this life. This one life cannot be as the others... ]

[thewayforpeace]

[ Perhaps that is part of why it is not so easy for him to pull himself up and out of the memories from the past. He wishes to be present with Lantaa, but also to have more stolen moments with Althea, since their time together was cut short. How can his own memories exist alongside his present? How was it that Lantaa was able to blend them together, when he cannot seem to? Perhaps that is simply how it must be, in light of who he is now. But he does not wish for that to be so.

And now he finds himself pulled between that older, ancient life, and this present life, with little idea how to connect them. He does not speak, but he leans willingly into the kiss, wanting to memorize how this feels so that he can bring it to mind when they are apart. And perhaps if his memories of her are strong, they will somehow guide him back to her even as he goes into situations of danger.

Words seem difficult to form for now, so he settles for the more physical expression of communicating: pressing himself into the kiss and moving one hand to tangle lightly in her hair. He does not tug or pull on it, only feels it beneath his fingers, also committing those feelings to memory. He has already all but memorized her, but he only wishes to ensure that he has the strongest possible memories available to call upon when the need finds him. ]

[shepherdtostars]

[ Lantaa wonders how much of herself in this life is a new life, and how much truly is her ancient and past lives. Perhaps she is nothing more than a combination of them now, but, something in her tells her she is wrong. Instead, the trauma from her childhood must have awakened the need and desire to find--and be found--by her beloved. If life were to be so cruel now, then, surely he must still be waiting and searching for her too.

Her head tilts in their kiss to encourage him to touch her hair. The feeling is relaxing and soothing, as when he touches her ears. Small touches that seem to try to reassure the other that all is not lost. This time, their promise will be unbroken, and they will return to one another again and again.

She gently slides back to his side, guiding him with her before they must break their kiss. Then, she eases him to rest his head to her bossom. She may wish for him to hold and comfort her, but he is in the greater need as his memories have awakened to some form. He had made it his duty to protect her, and thus, she had made it hers to comfort and support him. ]

You've always been far more nobler than me. You've been able to rise to any occasion, any calling, and perform it dutifully and as expected. You've been able to live those lives without me to their fullest. [ At least, she presumes he has. He has always been far more capable than her. Rather, in their lives since those ancient days. She seems to fall and stagger through every life since, and with each one she fell more... until she could not bring herself to stand again. Her hand raises to brush through the strands of his hair again. ] I... I've not been able to be in such a way. In those we didn't share, a hollowness formed, a-and I suppose I held onto what I could of those previous lives to fill that gap.

[ Her eyes shut tightly as she hides her face in his hair. Aymeric does not need to see the shame on her face. He does not need to see how far she has fallen from the woman he fell in love with in those ancient of times. Surely, she looks so very different. ]

Perhaps it's been better you've not remembered as much as I have. B-because then, you could find others that make you smile, and love you, and... a-are better for you. [ Her tail curls around him again as if to hold onto him. A lingering fear that he might find another that truly makes him happy--not someone who seems to be unable to let the past go. ] She was good for you--and good to you. The noble lady that you married. She gave you children, even if it was required of her, and loved them. She even loved you.

[ Lantaa opens her eyes just enough to gaze at his hair. A few tears slip down her cheeks. There had been a kiss, a discussion of a life away from it all, but ultimately he had to stay in Ishgard and they both knew it. She can remember watching as his family grew and the house filled with laughter. But, why was she in that home as well... ? ]

I am sorry I have become this way, Costas. [ Her ears press to her head as another wave of shame buries the pain from that particular life. ] Someone who is burdened so much, who cannot truly let go of you... someone that begs you stay with her. Even when, perhaps, you might be happier--happier with another soul. I must not even look the same when you see me.

[thewayforpeace]

[ He wishes that he had the answers to these questions, and that he could find a way to bridge the gap between the lives he has lived. As for the careful touches to her hair, he means them to be comforting to her as much as they are to him. Too many times has he sought comfort from her, and not offered said comfort to her in return. The scales feel quite unbalanced, and he seeks to remedy that.

Still, when she eases him to rest his head against her, he does not resist with his actions. Instead, he says: ] I know that you will most certainly protest, but I cannot help but feel that I have not shown you enough of the same care that you have given me. [ He ought to be the strong one of the two of them, being the rock that she needs when she feels unsteady, the one who gives her comfort when she has need of it. He knows that she has said he is that for her, but he feels that he has not done enough to live up to it. ]

But at what cost? Perhaps by pushing forward and thinking only of duty and expectation, I have lost sight of things of greater importance. Our past lives should not be so easily forgotten, and yet I know I cannot bring them to mind as easily as you can. [ He does his best to keep his expression inscrutable, but he cannot quite stop the look of regret from slipping into place. ]

I should not have forgotten you. I should have- [ His voice wavers for a moment, but he pushes forward regardless. ] I should have looked for you in all our lives, so that we could have been together.

[ He wonders why that was not so; why he had not felt compelled to look for her, to be with her. And now he realizes that by not doing so, whether it was something he could control or not, he has hurt her. ]

No, I am sorry that I did not try to find you. I did you wrong, and I must make up for that. [ And it should not have taken this long to realize it. ]

[shepherdtostars]

[ Her chin brushes the top of his head, gently leaning into him as he continues to play with her hair. It is as soothing as he wants hopes it is, and if their conversation had been different, she would start to drift off. She is certain he is more than capable of caring for her. She only hopes that there is never the need for it, and that she can find a way to be stronger for him. ]

There will be time for that when you return home. [ Because he will come home. ] Then, you can spend all the time you wish comforting me.

[ Her fingers continue to comb through his hair even as he lays out his regrets. Her gaze drops. How can she begin to answer what he has said? Lantaa gently nudges the top of his head with her nose as she's quiet for a long moment. ]

I never thought you abandoned me--or that you forgot me. I never felt that you didn't love me, or care for me, or purposely tried to hurt me. [ Lantaa pulls him closer to her, fingers curling almost tightly into his night shirt and hair. Almost as if she can hold onto him then he will not leave. ] I picked you out of all souls for a reason, my love. I know you wouldn't have done anything to hurt me on purpose. I... I don't believe we are meant to remember all our lives. Please, do not blame yourself.

[thewayforpeace]

[ He falls silent as well, as he continues to lightly twine his fingers in and through her hair, an action meant to comfort her but also to settle his own churning emotions. She might insist that he has not let her down, but he feels differently. Perhaps she will continue to insist that he did not hurt her, but he cannot see how he has not done so. ]

Mayhap I did not do so purposefully or with intent, but- can it be said that I did not cause you harm? Even if I did so unknowingly... even if you yourself did not realize it- [ And it sounds to him that she did feel no small amount of hurt, having to watch him be bound to another. ] That does not change the facts, and for that I apologize.

[ He would even offer a deep bow as a further gesture of how sorry he is if they were not positioned as they are. It might feel somewhat foreign to him, but it would not feel entirely wrong to do so either, as he is certain he can remember enough of his past lives to know that the gesture is one he has done before. ] I would not blame myself unnecessarily, but in this instance, I feel as though I must.

[ The whims of fate might be responsible for the turns their lives have taken, but he still believes he cannot wave off his own responsibility and blame it all upon fate. ]

I intend to make it up to you, as best as I am able. [ If he did not have to leave, that would make his resolve easier, but as that cannot be helped, he intends to begin making amends the moment he has returned. ]

[shepherdtostars]

I would rather us be here and together then you feel the need to apologize to me. [ Her head tilts to hide her face against his soft black hair. ] Because, surely, the way our lives had gone and fate must have kept us apart. I can't imagine you not trying to find me... even if you didn't realize you were looking for me...

[ She choses to believe it because the alternate is far worse. Why would the one she bound herself to not look for her? How could he feel as if he was complete and something was not missing without her at his side?

If it is true, however, then perhaps she has always clung to that bond much more than him.

She closes her eyes and tries to focus on his fingers in her long black hair. She intends to spend time trying to rouse more of her memories from that particular life once he has gone in the morning. That way she will have, hopefully, happy things to tell him upon his return home. Perhaps she should even make his favorite dish, even if the taste is not the same for him now. ]

I love you. [ Her voice wavers as she attempts to put all of the emotion she feels into three words. ] Is there anything I can do to make those nights away at training easier for you?