synthneon | echoes of truth | ❝ tales of loss and fire and flame. ❞

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echoes of truth | ❝ tales of loss and fire and flame. ❞

song of hope

BOOK 3.5: EVER HEAVENSWARD

Tales of loss and fire and faith
Every word on our hearts engraved
In the dark you will not stray
Forge ahead, till the end, we prayCODE BY TESSISAMESS

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[ There are a great many wounds that are on her tender feeling heart, but she hesitates in sharing them. She does not wish to cause him hurts that cannot be healed. He carries far too many already; he need not carry those that King Thordan inflicted on her. Plenty of other weights she carry can be given to him, shared with him, lifted with him at her side.

Her head tilts into his hand, ear gently easing into his touch. She does not quiet melt into his hold as she might normally, as she holds onto him. ]

Never. [ Her tail curls beside her. ] You are my one and only. If you would follow me, then I will stop and offer my hand to you. You belong at my side, not behind me.

Interrupt all you wish. [ Alkaid opens her eyes and looks to the ceiling. ] What else would you have me speak of?

[ He finds he does not have the words to impress upon her that he would share all of the wounds that rest on her heart, if not take on all of them so as to spare her from the hurt and the weight of them. He does carry quite a few, but by that reasoning, better that he take them on than to see her be brought down by them too. But of course, he cannot literally take on her burdens and her hurts, no matter how much he wishes to.

Although she does not melt into him, he gently and carefully pulls her closer so that what little space remains between them disappears. ]

And I would be at your side, of course, but I would also consider it an honor to even walk behind you, following your footsteps.

[ He has not said it in so many words, but he does consider himself her partner and her servant both. He wishes only to bring joy to her life through his actions, and serving her with acts of kindness and love is all he wishes to do for her. ]

Anything. Everything that troubles you and causes you to hurt. Allow me to share it and carry it, that it might bring you ease and comfort in return.

[ As always, Alkaid follows his direction and curls into his hold. Her eyes remain stubbornly on the ceiling above them. How she wishes she could express that it not need be an honor to be at her side. In her mind they are equals and as heroic as one another. she does not wish to lead and for him to follow, merely to walk through the rest of their lives at one side hand-in-hand. So many things seem to demand her to be far away from such a notion. Yet, from the bottom of her heart and her very soul, all she wishes is to be at his side.

She wonders if something had prevented them from achieving such a thing in their ancient lives; for surely that must be the reason she feels such the drive and need for it. Perhaps it was the Final Days, or perhaps it was something else. Had they been separated and left to try and find one another again and again in all their lives? Had they ever managed it? Or, was this the first life in eons in which they have been able to be like this? She would ask his thoughts, but, holds back as well. What awaits them outside the door to their temporary quarters is surely to bring reality and their spirits down. There is no need to trouble him with the musing of their ancient states.

I'm not so different from all of you... I'm mortal. Yet, everyone wishes to have us lead the way...

Truly, she does not know where to begin. All she knows are the things she does not wish to hurt him with. Something tells her she should not ask what she is about to, yet, she does simply because he wishes her to share s omething of her thoughts. ]

...would you truly have wanted me at your side if you were so devout to Ishgard and your father?

[ Alkaid instantly regrets the question leaving her lips. She already knows he would not have wished to remain tempered; that he would wish Estinien or another to put him to the sword. She bites down on her lip as her ears fold entirely to her head once more, despite how he runs his fingers along them. She does not want to imagine the life she has now with him missing, even if the reality of the situation would dictate otherwise. He would not wish to be a thrall to what remains of his father's ideology, and nor should he be. Yet, the idea of an Ishgard, their room without him in it...

She knows that he--the true Aymeric--was fighting all along. She knows that he wished to be free of his enthrallment, and wished her to be at his side. But, part of her cannot help but wonder back to something he had said in the cells. ]

Would you have been able to truly love me... or would it have been a lie?

[ Throughout all the trials that they have been through, some together but most apart, he has found himself beginning to wonder one thing: can he truly aid her in her battles and her long journey? That journey began long before they ever met, and in his mind, it seems that said journey is continuing to stretch on whether they like it or not. He would see her journey end, to see her finally resting and having the life that she desires, but what can he do to ensure she has the ending she wishes? Not an end to everything, just a conclusion of this chapter in her life.

As she continues keeping her gaze fixed upon the ceiling, his worries which are already so many, only begin to grow. He fears losing himself once more, fears being tempered again, but more than that, he fears her traveling so far away from him that even his words and what comfort he would give cannot call her back. And it is not even travel of a physical nature that he speaks of; he fears that everything that weighs on her will pull her away to the point that even he cannot recall her.

Or perhaps worst of all, he will drive her away with his own frailties and shortcomings. But naturally, he voices none of this, keeping all of his worries and fears inside, because she does not need yet another burden placed on her shoulders.

He waits at her side for an answer, hands moving to comfort and attempt to reassure. When her question comes, his hands still and he freezes in place as he feels his heart contract as if something has taken hold of it. His words catch in his throat, but he pushes past that, because he must give her an answer. ]

I- [ Snapshots of memories are filtering into his mind, and he is desperately trying to hold onto them in order to recall something that seems so very elusive and quick to slide away from him. ] I would. I know that I would.

[ But would she remain? Would she wish to stay with him, knowing that her beloved was in thrall to another? Perhaps she merely wonders if he would love her as much if he were simply a loyal citizen of Ishgard who loves the city and the church as well, but within the context of recent events, he believes she is speaking more of his enthrallment and what he said and did while he was not himself.

Her next question comes, and again, he freezes. This time, a wave of guilt washes over him, and against his will, he feels his hands begin to shake. ]

Nay. [ As before, his answer is immediate. But even so, he knows that he cannot guarantee that what he might feel for her would not be a lie. All he knows is the depth of his love for her, and with that in mind, how could what he feels be anything but the absolute truth? ] Even if my will was not wholly my own, how could what I feel for you be anything but true? Perhaps it is hopelessly foolish of me, but I cannot help but believe that I would love you with my entire person, regardless of the circumstances.

[ She does not expect an answer, for surely she already knows it. His entire being, mind, heart and soul would have been devoted to King Thordan. What little of Aymeric might remain would perhaps not be enough to maintain the relationship they have. Not to mention the fact that the primal itself would refuse a Warrior of Light near its domain. Aymeric would most certainly have been trapped in an endless spiral as he had been.

Her breath catches in her throat at his answer. Yes, she would remain at his side. Even if that had been used by the Scions to get closer to the primal? She would remain at his side. While she does not wish them to be parted from one another without spending a full life of theirs together? Alkaid would also not wish to see him alone. Even if that means being there with no other option to let another slay him to end his enthrallment. She knows that he would not wish her to see it, but, she cannot fathom the idea of not being there as he passed on ahead of her.

A hand on his back begins to move up and down to soothe him. His need for it is clear and thus she intends to do all that she can to help--even if she is in need of the comfort herself. Certain things he was forced to do and say return to her mind then. Things she does not wish to repeat to him in fear of hurting his already frail self-esteem. ]

You asked me to stay... even if you were no longer the man I had fallen in love with. [ She pauses for a moment. ] I would of returned to Ishgard with you, been at your side, for as long as you would have me. I know it would not be the same... and your devotion would eventually be p ulled entirely towards Thordan, but... I...

[ Alkaid frowns and shuts her eyes then. Her fingers curl against the skin on his back. Her shoulders pull up, despite his weight on one of them, and her head tilts away from him. She dose not wish him to see the shame on her face for what she is about to say. He sees her as one with such strength--even after her and her sister returned from the First--but she cannot see it as such. ]

I could not leave you to suffer in enthrallment on her own. B-because... I-I could not grant the wish you would have of me, if they could not have found the cure in time. I... I am unable to be the one to end it, Aymeric... I will be there to see you to the atheric sea, but I... I... I'm sorry, but I could not...

[ I cannot be the one to end your life. ]

[ Although his own nerves are still so very rattled and he finds himself quite unsettled and even more uncertain about how to move forward from all of this, he finds himself far more worried about Alkaid and her own well-being. Being present while this all unfolded cannot have been easy, and in his mind, it is plain to see that she still is wrestling with her own fears and worries.

It seems far more important for him to put aside that which troubles him so that he might better help her with whatever it is that she needs. ]

I would not have asked you to do such a deed, nor will I ever, should it be needed. [ He hopes that it will not, but he imagines he is not immune to being tempered a second time, however frightening he finds that thought. ] To do so would be quite unfair to you, and very cruel besides.

[ Should he pass for any reason, he would like to have her with him, but he certainly would not ask her to end his life. ]

I would sooner remove myself from all company and find a way to bring about such an end on my own, if it were at all possible. But I am certain that is hardly a comfort to you, and again I must apologize.

[ She has turned her head away from him, but he finds himself seeking to meet her gaze and to reach out to her that he might offer a loving kiss, should she be willing to accept it. ]

[ In reality, she knows that the one to end Aymeric's life would have been Estinien. He would rather sully his hands with his brother's blood to release him from enthrallment than allow him to suffer anymore. She also knows that Estinien would wish to do it from the sight of others, as Aymeric says he would take his own life. Neither options are ones she can quite rightfully stand or approve of.

Her gaze turns back to him, gaze immediately locking onto his. Her lips are pressed together to keep the lower lip from trembling. ]

I will be there when you pass, in however manner that will be. [ Alkaid shifts under him to turn more towards him once more. Her nose gently nudges his chin. ] ...you've spent far too much of your life alone... a-and if you are to pass without me... I would be there to see you off...

[ Although the notion itself causes her to tremble. She tilts her head down slightly, eyes closed, trying to keep the tears inside. She would have him pass along side her when the time comes. She does not wish for either to have to wait for the other in the aetheric sea, regardless of how unrealistic it truly is.

Her eyebrows knit together, knowing he had asked what was on her mind. Even though she had resolved not to say it? She cannot help the words that wish to spring from her now. ]

You wish for me to only be myself... and to not act in ways that are expected... b-but that I'm... [ too demanding, too needing of your affection, far too needing of intimacy. ] ... that I'm not proper enough of a woman you deserve at your side.

Edited 2022-09-01 23:55 (UTC)

[ He can barely stand the thought of either of them being forced to commit such an act, whether or not they were willing. He knows that his brother Estinien would do so without much pause, simply because that is the nature of their friendship, but what sort of friend would he be if he let him go through with it? No, it would be better if he somehow found a way to do the deed himself, as distasteful a thought as it is. ]

I hope that we are fortunate enough to pass together when that time comes. [ Because he cannot imagine a life without her now that he has found her, and he would not wish her to live out her days alone either. Certainly, she would have her sister, and so she would not be entirely bereft.

But regardless of how their eventual end looks, he finds it does not wholly matter in this moment. What does matter is reassuring her and offering her what comfort he can; with that in mind, he pulls her into the warmest embrace he can manage. ]

You are everything I could have wished for, and still I consider myself entirely undeserving of you. [ His lips turn up into a slight smile. ] Out of everyone who walks this star, you are the one I love, and I can think of none other who should be with me than you.

[ He only hopes that his words are received and believed. ]

[ As she looks at him, a voice in the back of her mind gently points our how blessed she has been that he has returned to her. How many countless others have had to watch their loved ones be put to the sword? Had they faced something once in their lives before that was similar? Perhaps it is not her place to share her hurts, and instead thank the Twelve that he has returned to himself.

Alkaid melts into his hold. Should she not be comforting him? He is the one who has been tempered; the one with his will stolen away and his voice throttled. Her hands curl slightly more with her lower lip trembling as she fights back the hurt that wishes to burst from her. A part of her wishes for him to wrap his arms around her and mend the wounds her heart has taken from everything in Norvrandt and the resummoning of King Thordan. Yet, she feels she should not, as it might reopen wounds for him that she cannot heal.

Her shaking hands move to rest on either side of his face. His words have certainly reached her. She has no doubts that he feels what he does. ]

I ... I had hoped that an adventurer might sweep me away; that we might run away from everything. When none seemed to care for the idea of family and a simple life... I-I... I had started to believe that perhaps there was no one for me. [ She has shared similar sentiments before, even after her return from the First. Yet, now, what is the point if omitting details? Especially of the primal of Ishagrd's ancient king might steal him away again. ] And when I devoted myself to simply the betterment of our star? I met you, and fell in love in that moment... but even then...

I realized how important Ishgard was to you and your kin. How devoted you were to serving her and her people. It only served to aid me in loving you more... but... how could I make the impression to the Lord Commander? Me, as who I am, kot the Warrior of Light that all seemed so enthralled by. I surely couldn't... a-and so... I thought if I could mend Ishgard, and help build her again, it would show my love in a way... even if all it had done was bring more smiles to your face and make you laugh? It would be enough. I could be happy with that much. Content you were happy...e-even though I feared one day I might return to Ishgard to find you engaged with another...

[ Yet, quite obviously, things had not turned out in such ways. A painful sound leaves her and her eyes close. Her hands move to clutch onto the fabric of his new shirt. ]

...I-I finally found you and you asked me to be yours. My knight. It's why... no matter how unbecoming may be, or how much you may look down upon me for it, I... I can't lose you. I won't let King Thordan have you. [ Her hands clutch into his shirt further. ] I won't leave. Even if you've been changed or molded into someone else again, I won't leave your side. Even... even if you can't see me, only the Warrior of Light... I won't...

[ Her head tilts down to try and hide the tears sliding down her face. Perhaps that is what caused the most pain, aside from King Thordan taking away her beloved. He took away the person who saw her and her sister beyond the Warriors of Light. ]

H-he almost took you away from me... the first person to see us beyond the Warriors of Light... a-and I could do nothing for you but cause more hurt... I couldn't save you from it! All I managed to do was cause him to hurt you more and more... w-when any other would have let you rest... but I... I won't leave you and I can't let you go without me...

[ She bites hard on her lip--enough to cause the skin to break. So much shame and guilt is written plainly across her face. She should have allowed the logical choice to pull through. Yet, every fiber of her being and soul rebeled against the idea of losing him. Again.

Again? Had she lost him before? ]

I'm sorry, Aymeric. I'm sorry I caused you such pain and strife... causing you to motion between you and what he tried to make you... if I had just... but I couldn't...

[ As always, her words wash over him in a flood, bringing with them a swell of emotions and worries that things might not be the same between them again because of what Thordan has done. But a contradiction is quick to form because he has no intention of letting her go now, or of letting the love and regard he has for her change because of this ordeal.

He does not say a word while she is speaking, because it seems to him that all that she is saying is something she needs to say, to impress upon him, and so he remains silent so that he can listen and absorb the meaning of her words.

But as she goes on and what she says sinks in, he finds it increasingly difficult to remain silent. When she pauses and no more words come, he finds his voice again. ]

Lantaa, I would not have you doubt for a moment that should such a thing happen again- that is to say, should anyone attempt to see us parted once more, I intend to fight as hard as I am able to remain with you... to remain myself. I sincerely hope that such a thing does not occur once more, but I will not simply allow it to happen. [ He did his best to fight off Thordan's grasp the first time, but he is even more resolved to do so should the worst happen. Heaven forbid that it does, but he knows that if it does, he will summon all the resolve that he can. ]

Between your resolve and mine, I am certain the outcome will be a favorable one. And truthfully, had you not been at my side during that time, there is no doubt in my mind that I would not have maintained what little hold upon myself and my senses as much as I did.

[ If she had left him alone, or had been prevented from joining him, he is certain his will to fight would have lessened or dwindled entirely. ] It was you who saved me, Lantaa.

[ And in that very moment, as he speaks those words, he knows that they are entirely, completely the truth. And because of that, he knows he cannot stand to see her blame himself, when she is the reason he remains here with her at all.

Armed with that thought and that resolve, he leans in so that he might kiss her lightly on the mouth: not to cut off her speech, but to impress upon her the love he has for her and his gratitude as well. After a moment, the kiss deepens, and his arms move to pull her in even closer. ]

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echoes of truth | ❝ tales of loss and fire and flame. ❞

BOOK 3.5: EVER HEAVENSWARD

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/how about this whambam to bring feels back

that sure is a whambam of feels