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synthneon2022-02-11 05:36 pm
dragonssung) wrote in synthneon2022-02-11 05:36 pm
Entry tags:
echoes of truth | ❝ tales of loss and fire and flame. ❞
Every word on our hearts engraved
In the dark you will not stray
Forge ahead, till the end, we pray
no subject
If only documents or records existed from that time. Certainly, I would not expect to see mention of myself- or rather, my past self in any of those, as I imagine he would pale considerably in comparison to you, even if the position that you held was a slightly different one.
[ His lips turn up into a smile as he ponders this. ] Your star shines far too brightly for you to be a mere footnote on the pages of history in any timeline.
[ His smile remains at her question, but his gaze intensifies just slightly, because as she has guessed, he would trust no other to care for him in the way that she has. ]
None, because no other could do it as skillfully as you.
no subject
Maybe I can find out something... [ she pauses then at his next statement. Her eyes widen and she hakes her head quickly. ] N-no. Don't say that. I'm... I'm only able to do these things because of Thisru and you. Please, don't belittle how important you are...
[ Alkaid presses her forehead to his chest once more as if to back up what she said. ]
I think, in truth, it is more you allow me to be so close.
no subject
Do you think it possible? [ He finds his curiosity has been piqued by all this, and a part of him very keenly wants to learn more. But then, when her words turn to ones almost pleading with him to not speak about himself in such a way, his posture stiffens for a moment before releasing itself once more.
He had not meant to say those exact words, words that reflect his inner thoughts concerning himself. As a rule, he does not speak overly much about his accomplishments and achievements, but neither does he outright tell people of his reticence to think highly of himself... or rather, to think higher of himself than he ought to. Truthfully, he believes he has done nothing of note, and what he has done was only because others paved the way for him.
Perhaps that is why he is so determined to do what he can to see that Ishgard finally reaches a period of peace and restoration. He will pave the way for those who would move forward as others have done for him.
He shakes his head once, indicating a mild disagreement with what she has said. ]
I believe that you are able to do the things that you have done because you possess a wealth of strength inside you. You and your sister both are most remarkable in your own right, and I... Well, I am merely someone who once commanded soldiers and now works as an overseer of meetings and proceedings who also strives to offer you what encouragement and support I can.
[ He does not say it, but it feels to him that while he might be somewhat important, especially to her, he still feels as though he does not rank very highly (if there were rankings), and he certainly is not more important than her sister. ]
no subject
[ She does not know who she and her sister were before hand, other than apparently a connection to the shade and Emet-Selch. Those facts and that of knowing she is tied to Aymeric. Learning anything would mean she must leave his side and home once more. A feat that she honestly does not wish perform more than she must.
His words cause her arms to shake once more. How can she be so horrible at expressing things to him? Why can her words never seem to be enough to have him understand and believe just how much she needs him; how much he matters to her? How much so many in Ishgard look to him as their leader? He saw them through ending the Dragonsong War. He made the military choices needed to see it through when none others in a thousand years could. He is not only so very much needed, but so deeply loved...
Alkaid remains quiet for a moment as she wrestles with what to say or do. He quite obviously does not remember much--if anything--of the time he spent just days ago as a thrall to King Thordan. She had told him something during that time, even made a request of him. Part of her is glad he seemingly does not remember that she did or why she did...
Alkaid pushes herself up so she might lean over him. Both of her shaking hands cup his face, fingertips moving into the hair that sits in front of her ears. Tears gave already gathered in her eyes and begun to fall. ]
I might ... I might have continued to do amazing things even if we did not meet in this life. M-maybe Thisru and I would be war heroes... but... but... [ Her ears press down to her head once her eyes have close in an attempt to stop her tears. ] I-I don't know how much of me would be the Warrior of Light and how much would be Lantaa. If I lost you... I... I don't know much of Lantaa would remain. I don't--I don't wish to be on any star where you are not.
[ Her head lowers a fraction before she leans forward to nudge his jaw with her nose. A silent request he not be angry or disappointed in her for not being the strong and impenetrable Warrior of Light they all think she and her sister are. Her whole person begins to shake and she's aware she cannot stop not that she has started. ]
I couldn't have survived what I did on the First without you. W-without knowing that I had someone I had to return to at all costs. Someone who needs me, n-not just the Warrior of Light. Someone who sees the person underneath all the titles and accolades, who just wishes to be with me... the person I love more than anything else on this star...
[ Alkaid reaches for his hand with her own. She presses then to her chest, above her heart. Her nose nudges his chin once more as her tears continue. ]
The man that I wish I could properly explain how much I love and need him. The man I need to feel whole and complete, regardless of how my soul might still be spread across the reflections. The man who... who... I was so afraid that I would lose, despite all that I tried to do... [ Alkaid tilts her head down and presses back the cry that wishes to burst through her. ] The man w-who I loved since the moment I saw him at a diplomatic meeting, who if he asked me to jump into a ravine to stop a war that plagued his people, I would. Simply because he asked me...
[ Her hand curls around his tightly. ] My knight that I was so terrified I'd lose after his countrymen tried to take his life. He wasn't mine to lose then... I thought he wouldn't love a Warrior of Light beyond her titles and deeds, or have any interest in me... s-so I had settled on loving him from afar, doing whatever he would ask of me, in a way to show the love I had for him and his people. B-but, when I learned they tried to kill him...t-to take him away... a-and refused to let me help heal him...
I couldn't bear the thought of living on this star without being able to see him smile again. I still can't--even moreso now. [ A gentle sob finally breaks through and she presses her nose once more to his jaw. Please, don't think less of me. ] about are so very loved, Aymeric de Borel. Your countrymen love and admire you. You are their inspiration...
B-but none love you as much as I, and I cannot even express how much I love you. What can I do to show you? Maybe it is not enough to heal the hurt your father gave you...but, I wish to at least try to...
no subject
[ He has no ownership over her, although he thinks of her as his lady and his dearest, but the fact remains that she is free to go where she wills, if that is what she decides to do. As has already been established many times before now, he misses her when she is away, but that is simply the lot that has been cast for them.
But as far as his doubts concerning himself and his worth... Those are not so easily put aside, as she has also seen several times before now. That people love him and need him, he does not dispute, but he simply maintains that he is no more important than anyone else. Anyone else could have led Ishgard as he did, if they possessed similar motivations. His were, and are, not unique in any fashion, and neither is the path that he has chosen to walk.
A part of him believes that the life that he leads could just as easily have been someone else's, if fate decided to weave things differently. Another man could have stood at Alkaid's side, and perhaps that man would have inspired her to do even greater things than she already has done. And perhaps that man would not seem to upset her as much as he, Aymeric, does.
Oh, they have had many happy moments together, and moments in which both of them held and comforted the other and brought each other to a peaceful, relaxed state. But he fears that all he does is bring her hurt and disappointment more than he brings her joy and happiness. And perhaps if another man were here in his stead, she would have more of those moments and less of ones that bring her distress.
But he voices none of this, because he is certain that even giving a hint of what he is thinking would hurt her even further, and that is the last thing he intends. Even so, his shoulders curl forward as the weight of his thoughts presses down on him once more. He cannot help the reaction, but he does not wish to place the burden of his twisting thoughts upon her when it is clear to him that she is still very much wrestling with her own burdens and worries.
He is listening to every word she says, because how can he not? Her voice draws him in, as does every move she makes. It is his own voice he does not trust at the moment, and so he merely listens, but his entire being is focused upon her and what she says.
When she nudges her nose against his jaw, his eyes slide closed for a fraction of a second, and he leans into that slight touch almost reflexively.
The more she speaks, the more his emotions begin to churn and rise, but he desperately tries to press them back down again lest the dam break and everything he has worked to keep inside comes spilling out. He already believes he does not deserve her love or her care, and yet she offers both to him willingly.
And to hear her speak of how much she loves and needs him, although he does not need the verbal reminder, further causes his heart to ache. Simply put, he loves her more than he has ever loved anyone, and yet he still feels wholly inadequate and undeserving of her.
Her words turn to describing her reactions to the assassination attempt that occurred on the city streets, and for a moment, he freezes in place. Some of those events are little better than blurs in his mind, but he can distinctly recall the attack and being carried from the street to the healers and the mingled pain and fear he felt, knowing that his own people attacked him. Enmeshed in all of that was a feeling that he had not acted in the best interests of his people, and that was why they felt they needed to remove him from the picture.
Even now, he still has not fully come to terms with everything he felt during and after the attack, but so much has happened that he had to push that to the side, but more importantly... a good portion of his thoughts and feelings have been devoted to being there for Alkaid as much as he can. And if he is being honest, it is the happiness that he has when he is with her that keeps his darker thoughts at bay. There are times when those thoughts manage to slip through, but overall, he knows that he is the happiest he has been in some time.
And knowing he has been silent for too long while she spoke and he listened, he squeezes her hand firmly but gently, and with his other hand, he lightly touches her face so that he might wipe away the tears that are falling there.
He has long thought about how he might move forward with the wounds that he still carries and the love that she offers him, and, well... the answer seems clear enough to him. Putting aside the hurts from the past is not an easy task, but he can do it with her by his side.
His hand moves from brushing away her tears to gently caress her cheek, and he finally finds his voice once more. ]
You already have begun doing just that, Lantaa. And... lest there be any doubt, none love you as much as I do. [ He says that, knowing that there are those who love her, including her own sister, and he would not usurp those positions, especially not K'thisru's, but he loves her with the entirety of his being.
And having said that, he leans in slightly so that he might press a kiss to her lips. ]
no subject
[ Of course, there will come a time she is forced to leave. Politics, war, a need on the First. That aside, she does not want to leave of her own choice. She wishes to spend all the time with him that she can. First, they must take care of the primal that has gripped their home, and then she will spend every waking moment with him that allows. She will only leave his side if he asks her to care for something specific to aid his people.
Alkaid leaves a gentle kiss at where his jaw and neck meet when she feels him tense. There is so much he has to process, understand, and come to terms with. It seems as if it never ends. His father becoming a primal and betraying their city, his father raised as a primal once more, where to take his city. The last thing she wishes him to be confused or uncertain of is their relationship and how she loves him.
She squeezes his hand in return. Her head tilts into the hand on her face and gently nudges the fingers there. For a moment she remains still, then, she opens her eyes to meet his gaze. The question in her gaze is not one of asking for validation of what he says. The question is more of one asking if he truly is well now... when it seems that neither of them truly are.
Alkaid tilts into his kiss so he may not need to reach so far. The kiss is returned in earnest; a desire to pour all she feels into the one motion so he might feel it as well. Her kiss is not hungry or full as desire as it might normally be, instead driven by emotions and a need for him to feel loved.
While she cannot truly understand the depths of his pain, she believes she might understand something of it in her mind. Aymeric had not only been abandoned by Thordan, but his own mother. How it must feel knowing that both parents did not wish to have you... and even more seeing one neigh daily as he was the leader of Ishgard.
The Borels had taken him in as their own, raised him, and saved him. While not for her sake alone, she cannot thank them enough for saving him so she might one day find him. It is a thought she will not share as it feels entirely selfish to think. ]
I know I can never heal it entirely... that some wounds will never heal. [ She presses a kiss to his lips again. ] A-and none love you as much as I. That is why I... I want to do all I can to aid you, and help you where life has been so cruel to hurt you...
no subject
Already he can feel the ripples of things he has left unsettled and unaddressed beginning to swirl about, and he tries his best to push them away once more. Knowing that she can detect things from people's aether, even if she is not presently tending to his own, he tries his best to remain calm around her so that she may not pick up any distress coming from him. Knowing that that is not how her gifts function, it might seem like a foolish gesture, but it seems to help keep him slightly more even-keeled, even in the face of upheaval.
No matter how much hurt and unresolved issues he still carries with him, they are his to sort out and he would not trouble her or anyone else with them more than he already has. The only problem is that the list of issues he needs to address appears to be growing longer almost every day.
When she presses that kiss against the place where his jaw and neck meet, he all but forces the rising tension away, hoping that her soothing touch will be enough to calm the storm inside him. Even so, the fact remains that there is still so much he has yet to fully understand and come to terms with, but the one thing he understands without a doubt is that she loves him just as much as he loves her. That has never been a question, and it is one certainty in a sea full of uncertainties that he has come to rely upon.
The nudge of her face against his fingers further draws his attention, and his eyes lock with hers. He believes he knows the unspoken question that her eyes are asking, and while he would quickly answer in the affirmative, he is certain she would see right through it.
But the moment that she joins him in the kiss, all thoughts flee from his mind and all he can think about is his love for her and how he wishes they could have moments like this every day. When he is with her, it is somehow easier to look towards a future that is not so wrought with conflict, unrest, and uncertainty. One day, there might be more days of peace and fewer occasions in which she and her sister have to travel to the farthest parts of their star. That really is all he could ever ask for.
At her next words, he tilts his head to one side as if pondering them carefully. ]
Has it? [ He will not deny that the road he is walking has had its difficulties, and some of those still remain. What is more, he has sustained some hurts along the way, but so have many others, and to a far greater extent than his own, or so he chooses to believe.
He realizes once he has asked that question that it could be misinterpreted if he continues expressing the thoughts that came to him, and so he changes tactics. ]
I would never refuse your aid, nor your love or anything else that you chose to offer me. All I ask is that you allow me to show you the same kindness that you have given me, that I might aid and assist with anything that troubles you and weighs you down.
[ And having said that, he leans in again so that he might kiss her once more. ]
no subject
[ Of course, as soon as she says it, a part of her knows he will not abandon Ishgard. Not after all that has happened with King Thordan's return, and most certainly, the rebuilding efforts that will take place once she and K'thisru slay the primal again. Still, she longs to hear him say "Yes." She wishes he will give her the permission to steal him a way. He has said so many times that they should--and she as well--but they never have. She presses her nose to his jaw again as if to express how much she truly wishes to take him away.
Her fingers slip between his on the hand she holds, affording it a gentle squeeze in an attempt to ease the tension she can feel in his neck. She is certain his aether is churning, but hers is still far to low to attempt any sort of healing in such a way. She is certain she could push herself, but Aymeric would certainly scold her for doing so. Instead, she hopes her touch is enough as her fingers run along his.
Her eyebrows raise gently at his question with a look of uncertainty in her eyes. Yes, life has been extremely cruel to him and harsh. While others may certainly have different struggles that seem so obvious? That does not change how his life has been. Parents that threw him to the side, a near endless war, the loss of the parents that did raise him, the near loss of his best friend that may as well be his brother, an assassination attempt, and now his birth father raised and attempted to make him a mindless thrall. His hurts are so very deep, even if he will not truly acknowledge them out loud. ]
O-of course. I... I... when I tried to speak of what happened at Norvrandt, I couldn't. Everything froze, the words wouldn't come. It was not that I did not wish to share what happened... save hurting you more with the fact you could not be there.
[ Alkaid forces herself to smile, but it is a sad one with tears still in her eyes. Before she can continue he kisses her again. The two-toned eyes fall shut before she leans entirely into his kiss once again, half resting against him and half on the bed. ]
no subject
One might not think him capable of such deep longings, given the way he keeps his mask of stoicism firmly in place, but for someone like Alkaid who has seen him in vulnerable states before... He imagines she is no longer fooled by said mask. Nevertheless, he clings to that as much as possible, especially when his emotions threaten to break through as they are presently doing.
He does not consider himself bound or trapped by his responsibilities, and his service to Ishgard has never chafed, not even once over the years. But now he so desperately longs for a short period of reprieve, just long enough to take a trip away with her that something begins to burn in his eyes, and he quickly dips his head to try and obscure any unseemly display that might occur. Never mind that he has shed tears in front of her before, but the memory of that seems to have slipped to the back of his mind along with most of what transpired while he was enthralled by Thordan.
When she squeezes his hand, his fingers tighten around hers too, as if still very much clinging onto her as if she is his only support and lifeline when his emotions threaten to spin out of control. However, that only makes his guilt and regret worse, because does she not have enough to shoulder without him adding his own troubles? He should not feel as upset as he does, and yet it feels to him that something inside him has broken and will take time to fully heal.
Or perhaps an injury already existed and has only been exacerbated by recent events. Either way, he deems these displays of weakness as unfitting for someone in his position, and an apology to her that she has to see it is once again lingering on his tongue.
But one thing is clear: however hurt he might be, he needs to be strong for her as well, and to that end, he straightens his shoulders but he does not break their kiss. ]
There is no need for any sort of haste. If there is something you would say, I would hear of it, but you do not need to push yourself to speak if you feel you are not ready. And... you do not have to fear about hurting me, particularly when the reasons why I cannot accompany you are largely of my own making. I realize that I could not accompany you there, but regardless of whether the barriers preventing such a thing are mine or designed by others-
That we must be deprived of each other's company is because of me, and for that, I apologize.
[ Aymeric then reaches for her other hand so that both of their hands might be joined together, and he gives that one a gentle squeeze as well even as he presses yet another kiss against her lips. ]
no subject
[ Then, a brief pause. ] Will you come away with me?
[ Alkaid does not expect him to say yes, or to make a promise that he will. It is quite the call order to ask him to leave Ishgard at any point. However, even more so, with the fact that Ishgard has been taken by King Thordan risen once more. She doubts he would be able to agree with himself on the notion of leaving after they've slain the primal and begun seen to any form of restoration. Even then... a small part of her hopes that he might say "yes"; that he will allow her to take him away even for a brief time so he might see the world he so longs to see.
Her nose gently nudges with his when she feels his hand tighten and his body stiffen. Her poor knight. He is so insistent upon being the strong one for his nation and for her. She brushes her lips against his as he apologizes. There is no need for such things, even though he will insist upon it. ]
Aymeric, my love. Please, don't apologize for things that are beyond your control. I am equally to blame. I allow them to pull me away at the drop of a hat because they so insist otherwise. When I stood my ground and said they were not to take me from you in your tempered state... I am certain I made most of them quite angry. Yet, you needed me, and I have left you behind far too many times. I will not leave you this time.
[ Her other hand presses against his with fingers slipping in between his. She once again meets him in a kiss, but this time she presses herself against him further and moves to deepen it. ]
no subject
[ He fears that those who are prone to talking and gossiping will believe such a thing to be only a ruse and a cover for his selfishness, but even with that fear, he wants to go with her wherever her duties take her. To that end, there is only one answer that he can give. ]
Yes, I will come with you, and without any hesitation at all. [ To be temporarily absent from Ishgard is not shirking in his duties, or so he tells himself even as he gives her his answer. Naturally, such a thing may very well have to wait until after this affair with the primal has been resolved, and of course, the business of seeing Ishgard restored in the aftermath may well take some time.
That, however, does not shake Aymeric's resolve nor his desire to come away with her to wherever it is she might go.
What does quiver a bit in response to her words is the part of him that tries so very hard to be the strong foundation that she and Ishgard need him to be. He cannot afford to lose control or to break, not when so much is still needed of him.
For the moment, any further words and powers of speech have seemingly failed him, and all he can do is lean into the kiss, drinking in the feel of her and the love and comfort that she has always given him. ]
no subject
Then, it is settled. [ She gently places a finger to his lips to stop any potential objections or sudden doubts that may strike at him. Her fingers continue to play along side his, moving up and down their length. ] I will whisk you away to places you've never seen before.
[ Alkaid simply rests her head against the side of his then, simply enjoying being close to him once again. Especially when he is himself and fully capable of remembering these moments together. They may never recover their ancient memories, so these ones must suffice. Or, perhaps, they do not need to remember the images with those memories. The emotions seemed to have stayed with them throughout their sundered lives... ]
no subject
When he is with Alkaid, he feels loved and cared for, just as he did when he had both of his parents with him.
She presses a finger to his lips, but he had no intention of objecting or expressing doubts. Perhaps it is simply his state of mind after the ordeal both of them have been through, but he realizes he wishes for nothing more but to remain close to her.
When he can speak again, he says: ]
Anywhere that you are, that is where I want to be. To see places I have only read about excites me, yes, but my true desire is to simply be with you.
[ He is also content to just hold her and rest with her as peacefully as they can. In a way, it feels as though this peace has been every bit as hard-won as the one he sought to obtain for his people. He does not wish to ruin this moment, but he cannot ignore the fact that that peace is being threatened now, a thing that is intolerable.
But they will address the threat at another time. Right now is a time for them to rest and enjoy each other's company. He moves his free hand to lightly toy with her ear, gently fingering its tip and moving back and forth in light stroking motions. And whether or not they recover those ancient memories, there is no robbing from them the emotions and the memories they are creating with each moment they spend together. ]
no subject
Even in a room set aside for us, in a watch tower, facing the cold elements of Corethas?
[ The moment he touches her ear is when her whole body simply melts against his. Her eyes close and her ear twitches under his touch. The tension seems to almost roll off her, and she curls up into him--as a cat might. ]
... was there a time that I was only ever a useful healer to you?
[ There is a tinge of regret that strikes her once the words finish Tumbling from her mouth. Yet, she finds she must know. Were they words King Thordan placed into his mind to hurt her? Or, had he found something from Aymeric's past mindsets to weaponize against him? ]
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At her question, he nods without hesitation. ]
Even if we were in a- in one of the coldest, draftiest rooms within Borel Manor. [ Despite his efforts and the efforts of the house staff, there is one such room that, while not neglected in any way, sees far less use than other rooms within the house. As for his hesitation and correction, he hopes that goes unnoticed as it was merely a slip of the tongue, or so he maintains.
When she curls up into him, a small smile takes his face, and with the hand that is not lightly fingering her ear, he drapes it over her, pulling her in just slightly to further offer her comfort and what warmth he can give.
But when her question comes, he pauses, an apprehensive yet worried look crossing his face instead. Why would she ask such a question? Unless... Unless it was something that he told her when he was not in control of himself, locked in an impossible fight against a much stronger force.
Regardless of when it was, there is only one answer that he can give. ]
I have never thought such a thing, Lantaa. There never was a time when such a thought crossed my mind, nor will there be, of that I am certain.
[ And after a moment's pause, he adds: ] I would ask who would have said such a thing to you, but I believe I know the answer. [ And he knows he does not like that answer at all. ]
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[ Admittedly, she does not know every room in the Manor. It is something she realizes she needs to address if she is to be the lady of his house. She does not wish to change it by name means; simply being out what she knows is dormant in the walls. A strong sense of love and duty that wishes to embrace and protect all within its walls. A place that wishes to be a home, not simply a place to sleep and eat in. She glances up at him, wondering if she should do anything to help, or leave the Manor as it is.
Her eyes close as she curls more into his arms. She had the suspicion that it was perhaps how his tempered state was trying to rationalize the feelings he had towards her, but unable to understand it through the haze of primal influence. The fact he could recognize her as Lantaa at all should be enough. Yet, her wounded heart wishes to know... ]
I thought not. [ A frown comes to her face at his question. How should she say what needs to be said without hurting him more? ] ...He made you say it.
[ Meaning, of course, she does not blame him nor hold it to his person. ] There ... [ Alkaid pauses then and uncurls her hands from his back. She raises them to rest on either side of his face, but does not wish to stop him from stroking her ear. ] Aymeric. Please. Don't blame yourself for any of it. It was not you as you are entirely. You were there as much as you could be. You told me you were there, that you were fighting, and that you loved me even with King Thordan trying desperately to pull us apart for his own wishes.
no subject
There is. It would seem that no amount of additional carpets or wall hangings can improve it, so it seems to be simply part of the manor's construction. Unsurprisingly, perhaps, as it is hardly a new structure.
[ Still, it is part of the home, and so he has not neglected its upkeep in favor of other rooms that do not contain a draft. When she glances up at him, he gazes downwards at her, not even attempting to hide the love he has for her in his eyes. And when she curls in closer, he also wraps his arm around her more, hoping to provide her with all the comfort that she needs. ]
Ah. [ A shadow crosses his face then as he ponders this and all that it implies. ] What else did he- No, I will not make you recount it. I am certain that hearing it once was enough.
[ He is fully aware that she will not blame him or withhold her affections and her care from him because of anything he said or did while he was tempered, and yet he fears that whatever Thordan made him say still could cause irreparable damage to their relationship. Of course, he does not pull away from her as her hands slide into place on both sides of his face.
But was I fighting enough? The question springs to mind but he cannot bring himself to voice it. ] And yet I still provided him with the very fuel he needed to cause you hurt; perhaps not in that specific instance, but certainly in others. I imagine he had full access to my mind and to my memories and private thoughts, all of which he could certainly have used to wound you.
[ And he is certain that he did, which is something he will take full responsibility for even if he could have done nothing to stop it at the time. ]
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Her hand raises to his chest so that her hand may gently move side to side in a comforting manner. She supposes they could never truly get around ignoring the events that took place while he was tempered. They would need to speak of it directly and address if anything had become irreparable. ]
I will see what I can do to help. [ Her ears tuck down slightly as a blush takes her cheeks. ] The upkeep of our home would fall under my duties... as your wife...
[ Alkaid shakes her head. ] No, I don't believe he did. You never called me things you call me while King Thordan attempted to pull you further under. [ She pauses. ] A-any time you said my name was when you were in as much control as you could be. B-but, you never referred to me by any name while he forced you to be his Lord Commander.
[ Her eyes close and her shoulders sink slightly. ] I... perhaps I am over hopeful or I misunderstand. I think that, no matter how hard the primal tried, parts of you could never truly be erased. You cared for Estinien and I's well-being despite the regressive state you would fall into while fighting for control. And... [ Alkaid's shoulders then curl forward as she tries to move more into his hold. ] ...a-nd even when you were forced to be his Lord Commander? You wanted me there--beside you. You wished me to join your forces, saying it was because of how skilled of a healer I am. I wondered... I-I hoped it was truly because even in that state, you would want me there, at your side, for you.
[ The ordeal is exhausting to recount, but he has need to hear it. He needs to know what he had done--what King Thordan forced him to do. If for nothing more than to quell the unending ideas his mind surely created. Her own mind goes back to the conversation they had in the cell in Limsa. Rather, the conversation that she had with him and King Thordan. The words bring the familiar hurt to her chest, but so does the feeling of being loved. It is not the feeling of companionship she feels from Ardbert, nor the love she feels returned by Aymeric. ]
We spoke of what I would want--what my terms of joining "your" side would be. I imagine it is not hard to guess even now.
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Still, his shoulders curl in just slightly even as she touches his chest. Part of him feels as though he should not ask her to relive what must be difficult memories for her, but she is correct in thinking that he needs to hear it in order to properly process all of it. Even so, he feels no small amount of regret for causing her pain once more.
But on the subject of the family home, he cannot help but smile even through his swirling thoughts and lingering regret. ] I- I had hoped that, if you were willing, it might become a project that the two of us worked on together.
[ Somehow, he cannot shake the feeling that his parents would approve of this. They furnished the home and made it into a home, and he did his best to continue caring for it and adding a few small touches here and there, but he knew he did not wish to change what they had done while they were alive. But now... He realizes he wishes for him and Alkaid to add their own personal touches to the house, building on the legacy of his parents and their parents before them.
And as the conversation concerning what happened while he was tempered continues, he turns sober once more. Her words wash over him, and he hears and understands every word, but he finds crafting a response difficult. Fragments of memories seep into his thoughts, helped along by her descriptions, and as he tries to make sense of the scattered images and the emotions they are beginning to stir up, his hands clench together to form fists.
His recollections of what happened are not very clear at all, but he can bring to mind feeling as though everything that makes up the entirety of who he is down to his core beliefs and allegiances was turned into something unrecognizable. Oh, he knows now from what she has said that he fought back and parts of his true self still existed in spite of Thordan's efforts, and that heartens him more than he expected it would. He was present enough to still care about her and Estinien both, which is also more than he expected.
Even so, the weight of it all, combined with the knowledge about how much King Thordan tried to bury his true self and turn him into nothing more than his Lord Commander, rests heavily on his shoulders.
His gaze turns to meet hers once more and he tries to venture a guess about what her terms were. But in his state of mind that is bordering on spiraling out of even his control, he finds he cannot. ]
I ought to be able to guess- nay, know what terms you presented, but I... I find myself being presently unable to. [ Despite his best attempts to keep his voice level so that it would not warble, it does shake a bit as he speaks those last several words as the upset he feels threatens to break through his carefully crafted attempt at remaining calm. ] I imagine that whatever your terms were, they were not well-received by King Thordan.
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[ His hands ball into fists and she gently nudges his jaw with her nose. Her head tilts so she might brush her cheek to the side of his neck. She cannot begin to imagine what he must be feeling, but she can understand the fear of losing oneself. She feared the same when she and K'thisru became Lightwardens. Yet, the Echo seemed to protect them. Nothing was there to protect her beloved Aymeric. He was at the mercy of a primal of his father's creating. One that knew the exact point in which to throttle and control him by.
Her mind travels back over the conversation to find what else she might tell him. A correction comes to to mind. He had called her "Alkaid" once, then a partial of that name. Perhaps in that moment she was more than a Warrior of Light. But, she wonders how much good she did for him in the end. He was in so much pain because of her.
His statement brings a small smile to her face. Of course, she thought not. She raises her hand from his chest back to his face, hands then moving to hold it as she had when he was chained to the wall.
"Can you find the satisfaction you seek, knowing that the person I was is no more? "
Alkaid shifts then, moving forward to press her lips to his. She kisses him the same as she had in the cell with the gesture being her answer beyond just obvious puzzle pieces coming together.
All she desires is him and wishes to be at his side. ]
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And suddenly, now that his thoughts have strayed towards thinking of home and how he envisions them working together to fix the place up, he realizes just how much he misses it. There is much still to be done before they can return there together, but he cannot stop himself from longing to be there with her.
Not for the first time, words seem to fail him and when she brushes her cheek against his neck, he leans into her touch once more, unconsciously seeking her comfort.
The memories of what happened while he was tempered may very well still exist somewhere in the depths of Aymeric's mind, but all he feels when she holds his face and presses that kiss to his lips is a feeling of being loved and having all the love in the world for her.
Finally, he speaks, and his voice is heavy with churning emotions and the love he holds for her. The look in his eyes softens and a small smile crosses his face as he surveys her. ]
Please, allow me to ask you just one more time: what could I have possibly done to deserve you and all that you offer me, Lantaa?
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Her nose runs along his, fingers gently brushing across his cheeks as they do normally. The joy once again sparkles in her eyes despite the clear exhaustion weighing down on her shoulders and back. The cold still clings to her like a wet blanket, and feels like something she cannot shake. Perhaps if she moved underneath the covers and curled into his arms it might help. Yet, she does not move, content where she is. ]
You were my condition, if it was not obvious. Being allowed to be with you regardless of it all.
[ A gentle kiss is pressed to his lips and then the corner of his mouth. She is quiet for a moment, trying to find the proper words to put forward in answer to his question. Her fingers continue to glide over his cheek bones before her eyes close. Perhaps it better if she simply allows the words to come from deep inside her than attempt to force them. ]
If we truly are bound to find one another time and time again... then, it cannot be a matter of deserving. [ Alkaid knows she has said this in some form or another, but, perhaps it must be stated again. ] I have loved you in every life--more than any other. A love I will continue to have no matter how many times we are born in lives anew. You have earned my love eternally.
[ Then, a hand leaves his face to gently take one of his. She presses it to her bosom and her eyebrows knit together despite her eyes remaining closed. ] I wish I had the words to share this feeling with you, or that I had a magick to project it for you. Perhaps our ancient history only matters so deeply to me... b-but I...
[ She pauses once more, shoulders curling and pressing his hand further against her. If only he could feel how warm her heart is when he is near; how elated her soul is at his presence. A term springs to her mind then, causing her eyebrows to knit further and her tail to curl up beside her. Would he find it silly? Or, perhaps, would its meaning and significance pass over him? ]
Aymeric de Borel, with all and any titles you hold or will ever hold, you are my one and only. [ The term feels strange to say, as if it were a secret she held to her heart for many years. Something that feels like an echo through time and not just prevalent in this life. Even so, she finds her heart beating faster and a wave of emotions come from deep inside her. A stray tear or two rolls down her cheeks. She feels as if she is trying to desperately reach a part of him buried under time; trying to pull something into the light that perhaps does not exist at all. ] My one and only... and I don't wish to be with another...
[ A ripple of frustration passes from the tips of her ears down to her tail. It bristles, hairs standing on end, and she clutches the hand in her hold to her person. It causes her ears to twitch. Her entire body curls up against him. A soft sound escapes her then as more tears come: a mixture of exhaustion and seeking his comfort. ]
Why can't I express this the right way? [ Another sound, this time of frustration and directed at herself. ] Why can't I find the right words, or the right actions to properly share it to you? Why can't I... [ Alkaid lowers her head and presses her forehead to his chest once her hands begin to shake. Perhaps all she needs is to sleep. Then, she will be able to press these emotions inside herself again in order to contemplate them at a later time.] I can't lose you... not again...
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Any lingering fears and effects from his tempering can wait; his priority and focus must be her. Still, when her nose touches his, and her fingers brush across his cheeks, a sigh he had not known he was holding in escapes him. Although he is resolved to give her all the care and comfort that she needs, a part of him is longing for the comfort she so readily gives him as well. But there will be time enough for that later. He will not be so selfish as to demand that of her now. ]
I- I see. [ That revelation does not surprise him, as all he could ever ask for is more time with her: time uninterrupted by anything or anyone. And yet that seems like a selfish ask as well, even if it is what he strongly desires. ] I cannot speak with any certainty at all as to my thoughts and feelings during that time, but if anything of myself still existed in spite of the primal's efforts... It is not difficult for me to imagine that I still wished to have you with me as the one that I love.
[ And then he grows silent once more when she presses that kiss to his lips. Oh, he has much and more that he could say, but all he wants is to pour every bit of the affection and gratitude he has towards her into these affectionate displays. And what is more, if they continue to be as blessed as they have been, he wishes to spend the rest of their lives together both giving and receiving that love. ]
Have I not expressed in adequate detail how much I love you and that I believe every word that you have told me concerning that ancient history? If I have not done so, then rest assured that I cannot imagine loving anyone but you any more than I can say I do not believe that we have known each other for far longer than any time that can be measured.
[ Perhaps he had not thought so at the start of their relationship, but now he believes without a doubt that they were destined to find each other in this life and all other lives that might follow.
She seems to press further into his touch, and he pulls her closer, a remarkable feat, considering that they are quite close already. It seems to him that the time for words has passed: she needs to rest and recover and not strain herself to speak. He would not silence her, as he loves the sound of her voice and anything she might say to him, but her health is far more important. ]
Lantaa- You express yourself in all the right ways, I assure you. [ His hold on her tightens once more, and his smile turns gentle as he looks down at her. ]
You have not lost me, due namely to your own efforts, and as far as I am concerned, you will not lose me, no matter what. [ He knows that should some threat arise intending to tear them apart, he will fight tooth and nail to remain with her. He prays that no such thing will occur, as they have had too many times when they were very nearly pulled apart, but should that happen, he will do everything in his power to forestall it. ]
Now, I think that it is time for you to sleep. I will, of course, be right beside you.
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