synthneon | oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞

[ Similarly, Alan doesn't remember a lot about those first loops, but he remembers feelings... sensations... Flashes of thoughts he had back then. And he remembers that the clothes he was given were just worn enough that they were broken in and comfortable; not too old, but not brand new either. It made him feel reassured, in a way, although everything around him was as far from reassuring as it could be.

Maybe that, along with a feeling that he can't quite explain, is why he still feels drawn to flannel shirts. Then, Jesse suggests looking around more and finding more clothes, and he just looks around the shop as if unsure where to start next.

Obviously, he needs more than a couple of shirts, so he just slowly moves over to the next rack of clothes that makes sense: jeans. And probably after that, he'll need to find outerwear. ]

Sorry, this probably isn't that interesting to you. [ It was her suggestion, but how interesting can it be watching someone wander around trying to find things he likes? ]

You'd be doing the same thing if I were the one shopping. It's not a bother, Alan. [ She shakes her head. ] Just go to what seems comfortable. Things to wear around the apartment.

[ Jesse follows him but not closely. Enough to give him some space so he can take his time and make his decision. She doesn't want to force or pressure him. He needs to decide these things on his own. She's there to support and maybe direct him... even if she doesn't like the idea of being his director in any sense. ]

See anything else you like?

Edited 2024-10-14 06:03 (UTC)

If I went with what was comfortable, it'd be nothing but more of those. [ He huffs out a laugh and gives her a small smile. ] That's not really practical, is it? How do people do this?

[ He finds himself hesitating, suddenly unsure how to keep going or what he should look at next, but then his eyes land on some plainly colored t-shirts hanging on a rack and he goes over to them, pulling a couple of them off.

The rack next to them has some shorts that get the same treatment. He's not really sure of anything, but at least t-shirts and shorts are easy enough. ]

What next?

[ He looks down as if surveying himself and then he remembers jeans and other bottoms are a thing as well. ]

I don't want to know how much this is all going to cost.

Well, they're a start. [ Jesse smiles back in an attempt to make him truly laugh. It is a start. The fact he's picked out something of his own is monumental. ] Don't worry about the price, Alan. I can afford it.

[ « It's not like we spend much anyways. Most the time I lived at the Oldest House... so, this is going to be fine. »

Polaris shifts slightly in agreement. ]

You'll need to try them on. Are you going to be okay doing that?

[ She imagines Alan is different sizes than what he remembers--if he remembers it at all. ]

[ Her smile makes his own widen; she just has that effect on him even when he's feeling uncertain what to do or how to feel or... anything. She smiles and it makes him want to smile too. Laughter is something else he's working on, but he likes to think that he'll always be able to smile for her. ]

I know, but- it's not fair that you're having to do everything. I'm going to figure out what happened to what I had before: at least what happened to my accounts. I can't keep letting you handle everything.

[ She says he needs to try on the things that he picked out, and for just a second, his hands curl into the clothes in his hand as a sudden uncertainty latches on. But he can't let that stop him, and he forces himself to nod. ]

Yeah, I'll be fine. I can manage.

[ It's just trying on clothes, right? After walking back into the Dark Place on his own, this is easy. Right? Right. ]

[ « Not a laugh, but, good enough for now. We're making progress today. » ]

I know what happened to them. I... had the Buearu look into it after you were back home. For good. We'll talk about it tonight. Okay?

[ She leads him to the back where the changing rooms are. Jesse pulls the attendant over and quietly explains Alan needs to try clothes on but is suffering from post-traumatic stress. She'll need to wait in the hallway. The attendant nods in understanding, counts the amount of clothes Alan has, then leads him to a changing room. She gently closes the door and Jesse waits in the hall.

Polaris brushes up against Alan's mind. ]

[ He looks at her and he just thinks about how much he loves her. Even though he still feels like he lost part of himself in the Dark Place, he knows he didn't lose the part that loves her more than anything. ]

Wait, you know what happened to them? [ That surprises him; not the fact that she knows, but the fact that whatever assets he had weren't seized or used to pay off any expenses he might have left behind when he disappeared. ] Okay. Talking about it later is fine.

[ He follows her to the changing rooms and waits while Jesse talks to the attendant. Suddenly he feels nervous about this, but there's nothing to be nervous about, right? He tries to keep telling himself that as he's led to a room and steps inside as the attendant closes the door.

Once he's alone, he hesitates. Just one thing at a time, Alan. Remove one thing at a time. He feels Polaris brushing against his mind, and he smiles again. Hi, Polaris. Trying to keep me company or something?

His shirt comes off first, and he stares at the mirror hanging from the wall, looking at his reflection. When was the last time that he looked at himself in a mirror, either clothed or unclothed? He can't remember; the sight in front of him looks foreign to his eyes.

Maybe the Dark Place didn't leave physical scars behind, or if it did, they healed up and became all but invisible, but Alan can't shake the feeling that he looks different.

To try and distract himself from the uncomfortable feeling he feels rising, he starts trying on the clothes, one thing at a time until he's gone through all of them. He doesn't feel different in a physical sense, but the clothes seem to hang looser on him than he remembers. He doesn't remember going through changes in the Dark Place, but then again, it's hard for him to remember a lot about the Dark Place, given how many loops he went through.

The t-shirts are fine; he doesn't mind those being too baggy. The shorts and the flannel shirts are what needs sizing down, so he scoops up all the different clothes and exits the room, heading back out to the hall where Jesse waits. ]

[ Jesse simply nods. It was part of procedure in a way. If Alan Wake were to return to the public eye, then, there would be legalities. Issues. Maybe it was more Jesse trying to handle everything she could so all Alan had to do was focus on recovering from thirteen years in another dimension.

« I underestimated how long it could take. »

She knows what she sees when Alan has shed layers. Obviously, the man she loves. Even more than that is simply the weight he's lost. He's not eating. Of course he will lose weight. That isn't the fault of the Dark Presence or the Dark Place.

« Cause and effect.

Is it bad of me to hope he understands why I'm worried if he sees it in the mirror? »

Polaris shifts but doesn't answer with words. Instead, a feeling comes to his mind. One of simply replying to a request from her host: to make sure Alan remains calm and remembers he isn't trapped anywhere now.

Jesse raises her head once he steps out. ] How did they fit? Did you like them?

[ At first, Alan wasn't in any sort of state of mind to even think about the legalities and about the assets and affairs he left behind, but as time went on after he came home, it began to occur to him that he had some things he had to get settled. Truthfully, thinking about it only made him anxious, but he couldn't ignore it forever. At the time, he just wasn't ready to really think about it, much less handle it. Maybe he's not ready now either, but he's going to have to be sooner or later.

He'd also be lying to himself if he said he wasn't startled by what he saw in the mirror. It's nothing more than cause and effect just as Jesse thought, but to see the results of not eating looking back at him was jarring. Maybe on some level, he pretended not to notice, or he just covered it up with looser clothes to give the illusion of being fine, but without the layers to cover it up, he couldn't pretend it wasn't there.

This has to be why she's worried. Well, one of several things.

Somehow, the admission doesn't make the knowledge of what he needs to be doing any easier. He knows what he needs to do, which is eat like a normal person and live in the real world again, but that's easier said than done. Alan feels his thoughts threatening to spiral as his anxieties rise, and that's when he tries to reach out to Polaris, because he can't go to pieces. He can't start to panic and let himself become overwhelmed, not here in this store. He forces himself to breathe through his nose, almost willing himself to calm down before he rejoins Jesse outside.

Once he's back out in the hall with Jesse, he does his best to appear calm. Normal. Like someone picking out clothes to extend their wardrobe. ]

Fine, I guess. [ Well, that wasn't the answer he was supposed to give. He holds up half of the items he picked out to show her. ] These are fine. [ He does the same with the flannel shirts that he has in his other hand. ]

Maybe they have these in another size. [ He tries to keep his tone level as if what he said is normal and doesn't have anything else attached to it. Seeing himself in the mirror made it clear that she's probably noticed his weight loss, and he can imagine it makes her worry.

I make her worry too much, don't I? ]

Edited 2024-10-20 22:04 (UTC)

[ Polaris responds with the gentle chime associated to her. A calming sense, as her resonance is far from chaotic. When the Writer spirals, it makes it difficult to channel through him. He needs to be calm and collected.

Alan steps out of the changing rooms and Jesse offers a small smile. One that fades slightly at the site of his demeanor. Something happened, because of course, something happened. Her gaze goes to the clothes in his arms that he holds out that doesn't fit.

« We really can't catch a break. Can we? » ]

Okay. Let's see what we can find.

[ Jesse quietly leads him into the shopping area once more. She locates the items he picked out and sizes them down. A quick glance at him, then the items in her hands, ans she nods. It should be the right sizing. A little big maybe for when he starts to put weight on again.

« If he puts weight on again. »

They move to the check out area and Jesse quietly pays for their items. The bag is handed to him and then she guides him out of the store back onto the September chilled streets. ]

There. Done with that... are you okay?

[ Alan latches onto Polaris's presence like a drowning man latches onto a plank of wood. He needs something to help keep him afloat or the memories he hasn't been able to recall until now might drag him down.

Maybe this isn't even a memory in the strictest sense of the word. Maybe it's less of a memory and more of a feeling... a feeling that he couldn't have while he was in the Dark Place. Maybe there's several feelings associated with it, and he's trying to identify and make sense of all of them.

She might notice that he remains quiet as she moves around finding the clothes he picked out in other sizes. He's still with her, not drifting or drowning, but he's just quiet. His eyes are focused, not far away, but for the moment, silence has settled over him.

That is, until she pays for the items and the two of them leave the store and go back outside. ]

... I'm fine. I just- I remembered something there for a minute.

oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞

OCEANVIEW PATHS

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject