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synthneon2024-04-13 08:24 pm
outlierdirector) wrote in synthneon2024-04-13 08:24 pm
oceanview || ❝ two worlds colliding, there ain't no bargaining. ❞
There ain't no bargaining
No giving in without a fight
no subject
« I thought holding it would help. It... I should have known better. Can you do anything for him? »
As Jesse works, Polaris gently brushes against Alan's mind. That gentle sound is always present in the apartment, and merely intensifies to what he must be used to when Jesse is home with him. Now, however, the sound increases volume at the request of her host. Not for long. Just enough to remind Alan he is safe and in a place where the resonance is dominate. Not just existing, or present, but is the only force in the area. Save, of course, the light that Alan has within him. ]
"Peachy."
[ "Great. Peachy. Just peachy. What about you? Are you okay?"
"'Peachy.' Maybe I'm a bit more than peachy. But, not much more."
Jesse's eyes dart to the side as her jaw sets. She can't remember the exact time around in "Return" that he said it. The words had to do with something about the manuscript page he had editted to keep them in the story. The manuscript page she gave back to him in trust he could use it one last time. The final loop of "Return." The one she refused to take back before she let him drive off. He'd need it wherever he was going. Even if he didn't need the reminder? It was another thing he could keep that represented they had happened once.
Her eyebrows knit slightly. A hairline frown presses to her mouth.
« I hate thinking about it. I hate that story. Even if we're here because of it. »
Jesse gently takes the flashlight from him into her own hand. Right. Oil lamps are out because he can barely hold anything and she only has so many arms. Her powers could help, but she doubts floating objects will be good for him at the moment.
« Next idea. Back up of the back up. » ]
Better than "peachy." Not really by much though. [ She finally answers the question in a vaguely similar way she had once before. A squeeze of the hand she holds before taking him back to the bedroom.
A gesture is given to him to sit back on the bed. Then, she moves to the end of their shared sleeping space. A drawer comes out and she pulls out an LED light. It's not what she'd prefer to use given there is no indication of how long the power will be out. Still, there's more light it gives off than oil lamps. She flicks the light on and a warm color fills the space of the bed. Her arm stretches out to put it between their pillows.
Then, she sits on the bed with him. Quiet. Looking down with the frown still on her face.
« I never asked him... or had the time to ask, really. What happened to that manuscript page? Emily would have told me if they found it on him and had to keep it in the Panopticon due to being an Altered Item. He... did he lose it after all? »
Somehow, the idea of the page being lost hurts. More than she thought it would. It shouldn't matter as they're together now, and they have their Deerfest 2023 charms. It shouldn't, but...
« What... what if it somehow made it's way to those versions of us trying to get through "Departure"? No. Jesse, that's a stupid idea. It's not important anyways. »
Her hands reach out to his. They rest gently on top. ]
Dylan hated thunderstorms. He didn't like the sound. [ « Which, I guess is ironic. Given you and the Hiss. » ] I always thought they were soothing.
no subject
How can she be happy living like this? All I'm doing is letting her down.
He feels that brush against his mind, and he knows that Polaris is trying to reach out, increasing the volume, the resonance. Reminding him that he's not trapped in the dark, even if the lights have temporarily gone out. He's home. He's safe. His mind is trying to tell him otherwise, but right now, he doesn't want to listen to his mind. ]
Yeah. Peachy.
[ He doesn't have clear memories of when he said that before either, but he has a vague feeling that it came up in an exchange between them. It's not a positive memory, because how could it be? The only thing positive about all the loops they lived through was them, and those positives were nearly drowned out by the horror of it all.
He hates thinking about it as much as Jesse does, and yet he can't seem to stop thinking about it.
Suddenly, he feels her fingers brush against his as she takes the flashlight from him. He opens his mouth to protest, knowing that this is just one more time that he's disappointed her and failed to go along with her plans. ]
I'm sorry, I- why do I keep messing up? [ The frustrated words escape him before he can squash them down. ] You're not better. You're- you must be tired of this. Tired of me. I'm trying to be better, but I don't think it's working.
[ She leads him back to their shared room, and she gestures to the bed, but he doesn't move towards it right away. He pauses for a second, but he can't stand the thought of disappointing her again, so he moves to sit down, keenly aware of the frown she's wearing. ]
Why don't I take that light and go out to the couch? I'll sleep there so I don't bother you again tonight. Or, what's left of tonight.
[ He feels her hands reach out to him, resting on his, and he can't bear to pull his hands away from her touch. He knows he should leave; he should go out to the living room, to the couch, and let her go back to sleep.
But she keeps talking, and he can't turn away when she's talking. ]
I never minded them, before. [ Now, he minds everything too much. He gives her an apologetic look before he continues. Maybe he shouldn't mention Alice. But it's just something to say to continue the conversation. ] Alice didn't like them either. The sound got to her too. I never minded them, unless they took the power out. Funny how that works, huh?
no subject
« If only it was. » ]
I wish things were better. Not because I'm tired of it. Because I want you free of the Dark Place. You're not there anymore. You're here. Home. With us. I want you to finally feel free of it all and live again.
What if I'm not the person who can help you with that? [ The frown deepens on her face. ] What if you need someone else? Someone who can actually be... normal.
Not that it's about me. None of this is. It's trying to help you. I just--[ her head tilts to the side and her eyes dart away. They briefly went over this at "dinner"... yet it keeps coming up. Looping. Again.
« We can't keep doing this. We can't keep looping. We're OUT of the damn Dark Place! » ]
No, we can't keep having this conversation. We can't keep going over the same things. We're just--doing the same thing. Over and over again. [ Her gaze narrows at the LED light. ] I know what you're going to say. You know what I'm going to say. We stop doing this. We stop it now. We're not going to keep looping.
[ Her gaze turns back to his. That firey determination is in her eyes. It has to stop or he's going to keep circling in all this. He's free of the Dark Place. ]
I know this is going to take time. This isn't going to be healed over weeks or months. Things like this aren't easy fixes. [ Jesse clamps down on his hands with her own. Green eyes pierce right into his. ] Alan.
Why are you still letting it control you? [ She tugs on his hands to pull him closer. ] Saga shot Scratch out of you. The Dark Presence isn't here. It can't come into the apartment. It isn't outside the door waiting to be let in.
[ Hands raise to place on either side of his face. Not harshly or painfully. Just enough pressure to force his attention entirely on nothing else. ]
Alan Wake. It's not going to take me away from you.
no subject
I don't know if I'll ever be free of it. The Dark Place isn't physically here, but it's in my mind. My thoughts. How do I get rid of it?
[ His head raises slightly and gray eyes lock onto her green ones. ]
I don't want to do this without you. Even if it feels like you can't help, I- I don't want you to go. I don't need normal. Normal wouldn't understand this: the darkness, the enemies that can't be seen but are still all too real... I wouldn't stand a chance without you.
It's my fault we're like this. It's my fault we're looping. I can't stop looping, even now that I'm home.
[ He feels it when she clamps her hands down onto his, and the pressure on his hands helps distract him from the swirling thoughts in his head. ]
What if the Dark Presence and Scratch are gone, but the Dark Place is still here? It's still here, in my head. The memories of it are still there, even if I don't want them to be.
[ He wants to close his eyes, but closing his eyes means he can't see her anymore. It means he can't see her bright green eyes staring back at him. He doesn't want to close his eyes and be lost in the darkness of his mind. It's bad enough that the memories still plague him. He doesn't want to be in the dark anymore. ]
Do we know that? Do I know that one day, something won't make you leave?
[ Her job is dangerous. Something could take her away, and we wouldn't be able to stop it. I wouldn't be able to stop it. ]
no subject
He needs someone to listen. Then, to help him focus once all the words are out.
Once he asks the questions? She understands where to take their conversation. Alan is someone who can only push forward once his mind has been made up on his own. Telling him won't do anything. He'll spin on himself and stay in place because he can't see the way for himself. Maybe that is why he has always seemingly latched onto the description he's made for Polaris: the guiding star.
Jesse slowly lets her hands slide from his face, but only so she can maneuver how she needs to. One leg raises to rest on the other side of his hips and she settles in his lap. Forcing him to see only her. Focus on her. Her hands settle on the tops of his shoulders. Once she's certain his attention is on her and not the shapes in the room beyond the light, or the rain and wind? She lowers her head. She stops shy of bringing their foreheads together. Red hair tumbles over her shoulders and frames both of their faces. ]
Hey. [ Jesse's eyebrows raise slightly. ] Are you going to let those things take me away? [ Her hands then move to rest on his jawline. ] Are you going to let the Dark Place take me away?
[ She already knows the answer. Alan even knows the answer. However, he needs to remind himself of it. He needs to find the answer again and speak it out loud and hear it with his own ears. In the end, only he can beat his fears. He just needs the right push sometimes. The right guiding star. ]
Will you let it keep looping you around to the point you can't see me?
no subject
Could it be both habit and defense mechanism? Alan thinks it's certainly something annoying.
The words seem to flow from him until they come to a stop, because the ideas have come to a stop. He always has words, because there never seems to be a shortage of them, but his ideas bubble up and then run their course until he lapses into silence like he's doing now. Then he feels Jesse move; he thinks he sees a ripple or hears a sound that he associates with Polaris, but maybe it's still only in his mind.
Her hands move from his face, and he registers the lack of warmth with her hands gone, but he doesn't protest. He doesn't really move, countering the spinning that his mind is doing. But then he registers an added weight as she settles herself in his lap. He can't help but look at her when she does; it's that gravitational pull tugging at him and forcing his focus from its inward state to an outward one: an outward one focused on her, and only her.
The darkness beyond the small circle of light still threatens to pull away his focus, and he still sees strange, frightening shapes that threaten him, but his eyes remain on hers. ]
... Hey. [ His voice is lower and quieter, and there's just the barest hint of a faraway look in his eyes that still are focusing on hers. ] Am I going to... [ It clicks in his mind what she's just said and he instantly shakes his head. ]
Never. Nothing's going to take you away, not the Dark Presence, not Scratch, not anything.
[ But sickness took Alice away. You can't fight that.
He doesn't have a counter for that, so he doesn't even try to give one. ]
I'm not letting it- I'm... how do I stop my own thoughts? They do what they want; they come up when they want, and I can't... I can see you, but it's the thoughts that won't go away. The intrusive, unwanted thoughts that won't stop.
[ Why won't they stop? She knows I want them to stop, right? I don't want this to keep happening, but I can't make it stop happening either. ]
I'm trying, I'm not giving up.
[ His hands clench into fists in front of him as frustration and annoyance and fear rise up all at once. In a way, he misses the things he could take aim at and fire at and bring down. He can't bring down his own mind, not without bringing himself down too. ]
no subject
Her hands slide down his arms and then down to his own hands. They gently--despite how strong and calloused they've become--curl around his. Then, she guides them to rest on her hips. He can hold onto her. Physically feel something when his mind is wandering and creating things that aren't truly in the space with him.
The smallest of smiles shows on her mouth and more in her eyes. His determination will always make her smile. Make that part of her that is brigter shine and the love come to the surface. ]
If they won't go away... maybe you can change them. Reshape them? [ « I'm not sure where I'm going with this. But, I'm sure a nightlight or something like the Clicker won't help anymore. If they ever did at all. » ] Every time something dark comes in? Bring up a brighter thoughts. Memories. Things that will make it so you see the shapes in the dark aren't there. That they can't take me away.
[ Jesse gently rests her forehead to his. Maybe if all he can see and all he can feel is her, it will help him get through the night.
Fingers trail up his forearm to rest on his elbows. Then, a gentle chime echoes in his mind. The familiar resonance gently raising itself to fill any available places. No other resonance is in the apartment. This is Polaris' domain. Still, it may help to reassure the Writer that nothing lurks in the dark. ]
no subject
But the best way to distract him from those memories is what Jesse's already doing: placing herself in front of him so she's all he sees. Holding his hands and letting him hold onto her so he knows he's not alone. It helps, even if it feels like it doesn't, or looks like it doesn't.
He can feel some of his old resolve surfacing again; the Dark Presence tried to bury it, tried to carve it out of him, but it never managed to achieve that. Maybe it was Alan's own stubbornness that helped, but he'd be the first to insist that he wouldn't have survived if not for Jesse. ]
Maybe... Brighter thoughts. Brighter memories. [ Then Alan smiles; it's a small smile, but it lights up something in his face and eyes. ] You know who's in the brightest memories that I have? It's you. It's always been you.
[ He can't really explain it in words, even though words are his strong suit, but he just has a vision in his mind of Jesse standing or hovering with a bright light surrounding her. That signifies Polaris, even if she's more of a resonance than a brightness herself, but it's just the image that his mind has settled on. Sometimes if he looks hard enough, he sees a shimmer around Jesse instead of the burst of bright light. It's faint, but he can see it: he can see the strange geometric pattern forming circles around Jesse.
It's that mental image that makes Alan wonder if there's even any brightness left in him; maybe he was in the dark too long, and the only way he can bring that brightness to life is with outside help. Flashlights, lamps, Polaris resonating with him...
Maybe there's no separating the darkness from him anymore. Maybe the light can wake up with help, but it'll always go back to sleep again until the next time something or someone wakes it up.
It seems to be waking up now, with Jesse sitting so close to him, fingers trailing up his arms, and- there's that sound, that brush against his mind, everything he associates with Polaris. He even thinks he sees a glimpse of that curious ripple as he stares at Jesse.
He just keeps looking at her, leaning slightly forward into her hold, as some of the tension eases itself out of his frame. Shoulders lower and his posture relaxes just slightly, but he can still see menacing shapes lurking in the corners of the room. ]
I think- I think I can do it, as long as you're still here. I know how that sounds; it sounds as insane as everything else I've ever said, and I've said a lot of insane things, but you help me remember that the darkness can't get us here. [ It can't get me here. ]
no subject
« It fits. Now, if only he'd remember that's who he is more often. » ]
Me? Really. [ A playfulness is in her tone despite the questioning. She would have thought moments with Alice. His friend and ex-manager. Things that happened before Bright Falls. Not .... just her. ] Well, what if I told you a secret?
[ There are times Jesse can be playful and something other than cynical and locked down. Alan is one of the few people on the planet that can bring that out of her consistently. It's one of the reasons she loves him so much. For all the talk of how she brings out the best in him? She feels he does the same for her. He makes it so she can be something more than the Director and the paranoid woman left over from Ordinary.
Fingers trail from his elbows and up the back of his arms. Then, arms slide around his shoulders to hold onto him comfortably. Motions they've done before and she hopes they keep doing. Things that make it them, even as the storm rages outside. All she can think about is him at the moment. No crazy stories, no storms, no power out. Just her writer finally home from the night. ]
I can only be as bright as I am because of someone else. [ Her forehead presses against his further. She lets the smile show more on her face for him. ] And, I don't think he even realizes it. He gets so busy seeing all the darkness around him, that he doesn't realize the light that he gives off to make everyone else so bright.
[ « God, that was lame. It sounded so much better in my head. Words really aren't my thing. Still... they're what Alan uses to communicate. What he understands best. »
Jesse tilts her head up slightly. ]
My writer who is always this way, even when he can't see it or forgets it. [ One hand moves to cup his face again so he can't move away. ] The Champion of Light.
[ And then, before he can protest further, Jesse kisses him gently. More than a brush of her lips to his, but nothing hungry or heated. A loving motion to help ease him into a state that will hopefully lead to him sleeping. Really sleeping.
That, and she realizes that they haven't kissed since she got home earlier in the evening. ]
no subject
The months that followed haven't felt particularly groundbreaking to him either.
Am I rushing this too much? Is part of the problem that I'm going about this too quickly? I don't feel ready to do much of anything, let alone get back to living, but I think I should be ready to do some things by now.
Maybe it's one of those "jump first, ask questions later" kind of things.
He pulls himself out of his thoughts just in time to hear Jesse respond. ]
Yeah, you. I think... I remember something about a film that Alice made, and I think I used it at some point in the story. I don't remember everything that the film was about, but I remember that there was a lot of light in it. Sunlight. Sunrise. That's what I see when you're here: light. So much light that darkness can't exist when it's around.
[ He pauses in his recollection of that memory that's become faded over time, pausing once more to listen to Jesse speak. He knows she's talking about him, but to his ears, it sounds foreign. Removed. Distant. She sounds like she's talking about someone else, another person. Another man who isn't Alan Wake. Who is Alan Wake? No, I know who I am. I won't doubt myself anymore. ]
This someone else must be... well, he must be something else if he can manage to do all of that. [ His lips turn up into a half-smile. There's an inscrutable expression in his gray eyes now. Is it doubt? Sadness? A little of both? ]
Maybe he doesn't realize it because he can't see it. Maybe all he can see is the darkness. Does the light actually come from him, or from someone else? Some Champion of Light. Maybe he's not the real champion after all. Maybe you're the actual Champion of Light, and he's just an imitation.
[ He finds himself interrupted, stopped by a gentle kiss brushing itself against his lips. He feels a deep longing for her, a deep feeling of being broken and damaged but whole enough that he can love her. He can still love her with whatever he has left. And damn it, I do love her. I love her so much.
She kisses him, and he leans in just slightly- ever so slightly, but close enough that he can lightly run his fingers through her fire red hair.
He feels a confusing mixture of emotions and feelings running through him as the gentle kiss continues. He feels the love he has for her, but he also feels the hands of exhaustion beginning to pull him down again, even though he never willingly gives into sleep. Sleep is when the nightmares come, and when he's asleep, he's at their mercy, trapped in the dark until he inevitably jolts awake, terrified.
He leans in just slightly, pressing his forehead against hers, wanting to delay the moment that they both return to sleep. Or, on second thought, delaying that moment for him. She needs the sleep the most. ]
I'm sorry, again. Sorry that I woke you up. [ He brushes his lips lightly against hers in a feather-light touch. ] I'm glad that you're here, though. I'm always glad that you're here.
[ He ghosts his fingers along the fringe of her hair, gray eyes searching hers and just trying to fill his senses with everything that's her. Maybe this time, when sleep takes him again, he'll only dream of her. That would be a nice change, even if it's unlikely. ]
no subject
Jesse practically stills once he says her name. Not out of anger, jealousy, or disgust. Something more like insecurity. Never being able to compare to Alice Wake--not that she should. But, she isn't an artist. She isn't someone who knew Alan before all the insanity with Cauldron Lake happened. In her mind? Alice is someone untouchable and monumental to Alan that she couldn't even begin to play the same role as in his life. It's not that Alan asked her to replace Alice. No one can. Alan didn't ask her to fill that space either.
« I just can't be the kind of wife that Alice was for him. Wait. Wife? He'd never ask me to marry him. Would I... Jesse Wake. It... I don't know. »
Except, that is something of a lie. She does know that she'd like the sound of it. Maybe it doesn't flow as well as her name now, but, there is something about the idea of looking over and seeing a wedding ring on his hand that's them. Something that strikes her in the same way their charms do. Something that represents them. ]
I'll see what I can find. [ Maybe finding the film his wife made will help. ] I'm not the same as light. Polaris is... she's a resonance, but she is also a sound. So, maybe it's that you associate with light?
[ She gives a huff of a laugh to his lips.] He does all of that for me. I'm not the Champion of Light. I wasn't chosen by it for some war between light and dark. I was chosen by something else. And she decided to help the Light because they're... compatible? Complimentary? Just like the Hiss and the Darkness are. And, she's a little territorial. She doesn't like other entities in her area.
[ Polaris shimmers at that.
Her lips gently brushes over his again. There's always a need to kiss him and touch him more. Bringing them together to make the brightest loudest space where nothing else can exist. This, however, isn't the time for it. Now is just the time for them to be together in a gentle sense. ]
I'd rather you wake me up then be tormented in the dark alone. Didn't I say at some point that you're not alone? You have both of us now. [ She gently presses her forehead to his. ] Yeah. We're both here. Together. So, don't apologize when it's how I can help care for you. Okay?
[ She gently kisses him once more. ] Ready to try and sleep again?
no subject
Still, he felt that the time was right to close the chapter on his life with Alice. He waited until Jesse had gone to work for the day, and when silence fell over the apartment, he took off his wedding ring, and holding it in one hand, he said a brief but no less heartfelt goodbye to Alice. Somehow, he knew that Alice would approve of him striking out into new territory: into a new relationship. Maybe it was only in his imagination, but he thought he saw her looking at him, smiling and nodding. People might tell him that was just his own wishful thinking, but he believes otherwise.
He believes that was Alice giving her blessing and passing the torch to Jesse.
As for marriage, well- he knows he'd like to put a ring on Jesse's finger: a special ring, one they picked out together. And he'd be honored to wear a ring given to him by her. He'd never push the idea of marriage, and he wouldn't ever force her to take on his name, but he'd also be lying if he said he didn't want to one day propose to her. ]
No, that's fine. I don't think copies of it exist anyway. Maybe it never existed. I just- I don't remember a lot about it, or maybe I made up what it was, changing it for the story. Maybe it doesn't matter. You've done so much for me already, Jesse. I won't ask you to do more. Maybe you're not the same as light, but- when all I see around me is darkness... It's so dark, even when the lights are on, and I-
[ His voice falters. He's afraid; he jumps at shadows, and he feels terror settle in on him when the sun begins to set. ]
I'm not scared of anything when you're here. When I can tell Polaris is here. Well, almost anything. But you're what keeps me calm. It's like wearing an old flannel shirt. It's comfortable and warm and it makes everything feel safe. I feel like that when you're here.
[ He very nearly breaks the contact between them as his shoulders curl forward slightly. If she wasn't right in front of him, he'd hunch over and put his head into his hands. He can't do that with her right there, so he never completes the action. Maybe it's for the best. How many more times will she see him fall apart in front of her? He'd be able to live up to his words of feeling safe when she's here if not for the darkness outside the circle of light put off by the LEDs. It's lurking, watching and waiting, and it makes Alan feel like he could crawl out of his skin.
But still, her words wash over him, sinking in as he lets the light she and Polaris brings resonate through him. Maybe it's more sound than light, as she described, but Alan still associates it all with light. Brightness. Growing brighter. He doesn't know if he can make things grow brighter anymore, but there's someone who still can. ]
It doesn't stop. It never stops. [ His voice lowers by a few decibels as the darkness in his mind threatens to drown out what he can sense of Polaris. Of Jesse. It can't drown them out; he needs them. He needs to be able to feel them if he even hopes to stay calm. ] When- when the lights go out, it...
[ Alan shudders in her hold. Tormented in the darkness is an accurate way of describing what he goes through at night; it's almost too accurate. He lets out a shaky exhale as he tries to push down the fear that's starting to rise. If he lets it grow too much, he'll never get back to sleep. ]
Okay. [ It's all he can think of to say, other than more apologies and more wishful expressions of wanting to be better. ]
... Yeah. I'm ready. It'll go better this time, I promise.
no subject
If Alan suggested it? She would only ask if he was sure of the notion. Then, she would say yes.
Still, she plans to see if she can find any footage of that video. She has no idea Alan has already had his closure. Only that one day he stopped wearing the ring that signified his marriage. She never asked why he took it off. It's not her business.
She smiles. ] An old flannel shirt? You did look good in it.
[ « When he wasn't covered in blood. »
The smile turns to a small frown. A hand rests on the top of his head. It'll take time for this to all work out. This just happens to be a time where it feels as if that fact is so far out. She gives his shoulders a squeeze before reaching over and putting the lamp above them on the top of the headrest. Then, she guides him to lay down with her beneath the blankets. She holds onto him, hoping that her breathing and Polaris' gentle rhythm will lure him into a state of sleep. One where he feels comforted and protected.
Something she can say she certainly doesn't feel in her sleep and that is far from Alan's fault or reasoning. It isn't his doing her dream isn't a dream and more like viewing the memory that belongs to someone else.
Especially when it is a memory and not a dream.
She's never seen the room before. Concrete, covered in hanging lights, a small folding table in the middle with an old shoebox. She's never seen the people in the room with her, even though she feels as if she knows them. That is, until her eyes move over to the shoebox and she sees a familiar person. A man in a gray tweed jacket with elbow patches and jeans. He's standing at the shoebox with his back to them.
Jesse knows who it is immediately and her heart pounds. Not out of anxiety or fear. No, it's because she's happy to finally put an end to all the madness around them. She's finally a help to someone. A special someone who loves her, and, she loves him in return. Even if the emotions seem so knotted up inside her she isn't sure what emotion ties to what. Jesse knows what the feeling is, despite the memory holding version of her being unsure of the source or emotion.
Things happen in rapid succession but also somehow slowed down. Everyone else is admiring the lights as she stands there at the ready to go. Backpack in hand. Flashlight on the side. He's gotten what he needs and now she's ready to move out. No one else has seemed to notice how he hesitantly puts the white object in his inner coat and folds the manuscript page up. He then starts making his way to the door. He tells them all to stay where they are and he'll be back once he's put an end to it all.
Jesse feels fear spike through her and quickly moves to the door to be ready to slip out with him. Their eyes meet there. The words back and forth between them are something she can't recall. It's heated, direct, and every passing word makes a her heart clench. Her anxiety spike. Eyes widen. Hands shake. She knows what he intends to do and she won't let him. She's going to stay with him until the end.
Except, she doesn't get the chance to follow him. He slips out behind the door. The moment she goes to move after him the door shuts as if slammed by some unseen force. It echoes in her mind and through her whole person. Straight through her legs and down into the floor below her.
He's gone.
Just like everyone in Ordinary.
Alan's gone.
The admission to herself in her mind is enough to make something break. The Jesse who has lived this event can't identify the feeling right away, but the one seeing it as a dream can. She knows that feeling. The feeling that something precious was stolen away and the place that feeling once was just feels numb. So numb that it is all encompassing. Consuming.
The only difference is that she had to let it happen. This Jesse had no choice.
She feels herself lean against one of the many metal beams that holds the room together. Then, she slides down it. Everything collapses in a graceless motion as she stares at the door. Every inch of her feels numb, but she can't call it an out of body experience. She very much hears and feels the way the other people try to get her attention. It just feels so disconnected.
Alan's gone. He promised--he said... now he's... he's...
Jesse's eyes snap open.
It takes a moment for her senses to filter back. The room in her apartment. LED lamp on. Her eyes widen and her gaze swings to her side. Her heart pounds with the fear that Alan--her Alan--has disappeared. Green eyes find his expression soft in a slumber.
Jesse inhales and presses her lips together as tears unexpectedly gather. She would reach out to touch him if she knew it wouldn't rouse him. Instead, for some time, she merely lays there and watches him sleep. The way his chest falls and rises. How he shifts in his sleep. The fact he is truly asleep.
Eventually, Jesse quietly pulls herself from the bed. Her fingers latch onto the keychain at the side of the bed before she ungracefully collapses into the window seat. Her legs pull up and her hands drape over her knees. Then, her gaze moves to the keychain in her hands. Fingers brush over the outline of where the buck should slip in to make then completed pair. They brush over it again and again and again.
« I let him go. My Alan. I had to in order for him and Saga to finish "Return." He had to go and I couldn't follow. It was MY choice.
My choice and it still... »
Her lips press together. This hasn't been the first time she's seen something connecting to another version of herself. In the Writer's Room. Alan in her lap, and suddenly, the room filled with overhead light as she held Alan's hand beside her. Jesse felt anxious, unsure of what to do to help her Alan. The other her must have felt the same way and it allowed them to share a moment.
This time... it must have been because the other version of herself feels the same way she felt at the parking area next to Cauldron Lake.
« It broke her heart. "Return" broke mine. »
The admission makes her inhale once more. She feels the tears in her eyes that never fall. Her thumbs continue to brush over the charm. She remains sitting in the same place even as the sun begins to rise. Her hands and legs have grown cold. Not that she has noticed any of those changes.
That numbing feeling from her other self remains so consuming it is all she notices. ]
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He's barely begun thinking about things like getting married again, but he knows that if it came up, he wouldn't hesitate. He can't hesitate again, not when it comes to them. Too many years were lost while he was trapped in the Dark Place, and now that he's free, he doesn't want to waste another second of time.
He opens his mouth to say something, to maybe tell her more about the vague memories he has of Alice's film and the significance of flannel, but to his surprise, he finds exhaustion gently tugging at him once more. Maybe it is time to sleep, even if he doesn't sleep very long. He smiles slightly at the feel of her hand resting on top of his head. Being touched by her is something he likes, but he's also been wary about asking for it too much. The last thing he wants to be is too needy.
She sees to things like the placement of the lamp, and then she's guiding him to lie down again, and he does so without protest. Feeling her holding onto him is also reassuring, and although he fights off sleep until the very last second that his eyes finally close and sleep pulls him the rest of the way down, it achieves its goal in the end.
That is, until some time later that something nudges against Alan's sleeping mind. He's not quite sure what it is, but he witnesses a confusing blur of images and sounds, and a sound that tugs at his thoughts. The images are blurred and he can't pick anything specific out, but he knows something is happening. Somehow, even though he remains asleep, his senses are trying to tell him something.
Then, the blur of images is replaced by an even more confusing rush of feelings, and Alan feels himself starting to climb out of his sleeping state. There's guilt and regret, and anger and frustration, and at the top of it all, worry. Worry about Jesse, but why? What's happening? The feelings feel familiar, and he knows he's experienced all of them all at once, several times over the last thirteen years. He's continuing to experience them even now.
His sleeping mind can't quite articulate what these feelings mean or what the implication is, but on some level, he knows that something beyond himself and beyond Jesse is happening. Didn't he manage to reach another Jesse from another timeline? Could the timelines be converging somehow? It's too much of a lofty subject for him to puzzle out while he's still asleep, but the basics are still forming themselves in his mind.
After some time, Jesse wakes up, but Alan remains asleep, although he's traveled from a deeper state of sleeping to a lighter one. He shifts slightly, moving his arm to reach for Jesse, but eventually, he stills again, except for a rise and fall of breath.
She leaves the bed, and a slight frown creases on his forehead as if he senses a sudden chill rushing in to fill in the space where she once was. But he doesn't wake up, not yet. Something is still tugging at his mind, telling him that all is not well, but part of him is still stubbornly clinging to the sleep he's managed to take hold of.
Another sound echoes in his mind, and he's not sure if it came from Jesse, or if it came from something... otherworldly. A connection that exists on a different plane. Maybe Jesse didn't make an audible sound, but someone sounded like they were crying. Maybe they're crying on the inside, not letting anything show on the outside. Alan's brow furrows more, and he rolls over onto his side, one arm stretching out to reach for... what?
His eyelids seem to flicker, and slowly, they slit open. He's not facing Jesse's side of the bed, but facing outwards, and- wait.
Awareness is taking its time returning to him, but he thinks he can see Jesse sitting on the window seat. How long has she been there? How long ago did she leave the bed?
Gray eyes open the rest of the way, and Alan shifts again, slowly pushing himself up from the bed until he's standing up. He'd come up next to her to put his arms around her, but he figures she'd notice before he even got halfway there. Still, he moves closer, wanting to sit with her and hold her.
He's not sure what exactly disturbed her rest, but he has a feeling it has something to do with them. He's almost directly in front of her, but she hasn't moved or given any indication that she's seen him, and that means that she's lost in thought, or lost in a conversation with Polaris. The last thing he intends is to disturb her, so he slowly moves closer until he's able to lower himself down to the window seat as well, and he stays there, just watching her to see what she'll do. ]
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If she could pull herself out of the churning feelings going on inside her.
She knows what are her feelings and what belong to the other version of her. It's a subtle difference, but the difference is there nonetheless. Context and circumstances matter. What makes it difficult to separate the sets of emotions is that they are so similar to one another. The source may be different, but the emotion is near the same.
« It hurt her more. Didn't it? I know it did. I can feel it. I just wish I knew why I did. Is it you? »
Polaris doesn't answer her query. Instead, she shifts to pull her amplifier's attention from her thoughts. Alan is not only awake but has joined them. Probably for a few minutes now.
Jesse raises her eyes from the keychain in her hands to find his light gray ones looking back at her. She can see the concern in his face and the unasked questions as to why she is awake, how long, why she woke up. Everyone of those questions feels like a mountain to climb in order to answer. There are so many elements to them, and words are already far from her strong suit when it comes to describing what goes on inside her mind.
Her expression softens. A sad smile touches her face, but still she hopes the gaze communicates what she means to say: Hi, Alan.
When he reaches out to touch her, Jesse responds in turn. It feels like a monumental effort to pull her hand away from the keychain in order to place hers over his. A squeeze. Then, a low exhale and sharp inhale. Trying to put all her emotions back in the boxes and behind the walls so she can at least hold a conversation.
A glance to the side.
« What should I say? What do I tell him? It's going to sound... crazy. Weirder than even our not-normal. He won't doubt it. Not after everything we've been through. Still... how do you even begin to talk about something like this? »
She sighs and looks back at Alan.
« Here goes nothing. » ]
I know you don't remember a lot over the last thirteen years. That's fine, by the way. [ Her hand tightens around his. ] But, when you first went to Bright Falls, and everything that happened with your encounter with the Dark Presence. Were you ever in a room with lights hanging everywhere? With a shoebox that had a manuscript page?
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But that's not the focus of his thoughts. No, his focus is on Jesse and on finding out what she needs. She wouldn't have woken up for no reason, so something must have happened, and he wants to find out what.
He's worried about her, to the point that even if he wanted to stay in bed and keep on sleeping, he knows he wouldn't be able to. He just wants to make sure that she's all right, and that she's happy and feels loved and cared for. Now that he's in more of a position to do that, he knows he'd run himself ragged trying to achieve that, and more. Of course, that's not what she'd want, but he knows full well that there's nothing he wouldn't do for her.
He notes the keychain that she's holding, and he wonders if nightmares about the loops and all the times they had to say goodbye are what woke her. He doesn't have to be a perceptive writer to know that she didn't take well to being left behind.
He smiles a small smile when she places her hand over his and gives it a squeeze. Her touch always does something to him. It helps ground him, and it makes him feel safe and loved. Does he help her feel that way at all, or does he just constantly make her feel like she has to always worry about him? ]
Before... before I answer that, I just have to ask: are you okay? How long have you been awake?
[ He already has an answer to her question, somehow. The memories of the last thirteen years are sketchy at best, and he barely remembers things that happened at the beginning of those thirteen years, but some things still stick out in his memory. He wishes that he could remember all of it, but he's already decided that it's best if he just takes what he can get. ]
I didn't wake you up again, did I? I can't keep being the reason you don't get to sleep as much as you need.
[ Lines form on his forehead betraying his concern for her, but he can't help it. She deserves better, even though he knows better than to say that out loud again, because she'll just pin him with a look at tell him to stop. Even so, he still believes that she deserves better than what he's given her so far. That's become a key motivation in his desire to be better. ]
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His other hand rests on her knee. Her skin is cold to the touch. Not ice cold or freezing. The temperature is noticeable to show it's been some time since she left the warm covers. Her fingers brush the back of the hand she holds. ]
The sun wasn't up yet. [ Jesse knows that it isn't an exact answer. Hopefully he'll realize she means she simply isn't sure how long it's been. ] I'm.... peachy.
[ « But SHE isn't. »
A slight shake of her head. ] No. It wasn't you. Promise.
[ Just another version of him. ]
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A frown forms and deepens as he realizes how cold she is. That tells him that she has been sitting here for a long time, and he feels a stab of guilt for having continued sleeping while she was awake and unable to sleep herself. He'd go back to the bed and get a blanket for her if he could do so without dislodging her hold on his hand, so he settles for scooting a little closer as if asking if she wants to be held while they sit on the window seat. It would take a little shuffling around, but he's willing to do it. ]
Peachy, but something woke you up. Something, or someone.
[ He already has a guess, thanks to the strange rush of feelings that he had while he slept, but maybe his guess is way off the mark. ]
Do you think you could go back to sleep now? [ Maybe I could help her relax so she can get some more sleep. ]
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Green eyes travel upwards. Her head tilts backwards. It would be easier to explain it all with an answer of her question. She could use it as a way to ease into everything. She isn't sure where to even start.
She frowns. A shimmer of light in her eyes. ]
No. I don't think... not yet.
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He keeps watching her, knowing that his scrutiny could make her uncomfortable, but he thinks there's a difference between staring at someone and just... observing. ]
... Okay.
[ He notes her frown, and that shimmer, and not for the first time, he thinks about how pretty her eyes are. But he can't get distracted right now; it's very easy for him to lose focus, as his mind goes wandering, but she asked him a question, and he has to answer it. He wants to answer it, because he knows how to do so. ]
You asked if I remember the first time I came to Bright Falls, and a room with hanging lights. I- it's faint, but I remember it. I can still picture it, somehow. It was... I think it was a safe zone, sort of. Someone was watching over it, making sure the lights stayed on. What was it called? [ Frown lines on his forehead appear as he tries to find the memory in a sea of them. ] The... Lit Up Room? No, that's not it.
[ He tries harder to come up with the actual name of the room that he's picturing, but the memory seems hard to grasp. ]
I don't remember the name of it, but I know what you mean. I've been there. I remember seeing it.
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It had a manuscript page. Something that looked like the Clicker. [ Her eyes narrow slightly in thought. ] You must have gone there to get those things.
[ Jesse pauses. Her hand stills on his. ] At least, that's why he went there.
[ « Maybe it will help him remember something. Could that be why I picked up on this? Other than the fact that I'm--we're resonating with her. It can't be as simple as that. » ]
What happened when you were there?
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A manuscript page and the Clicker. [ An image flares to life in his mind, but it's not the scene from the Well-Lit Room. He's in a cell, and Saga's there, and he's asking her for the Clicker... and then everything jolts and he's no longer himself. He just barely manages to suppress a flinch reaction, because Jesse doesn't need to know what memory just resurfaced. Hopefully nothing showed in his gaze, but he knows he's not usually that lucky. ]
It was a room with lights hanging everywhere. Lights... Why does that sound so familiar?
[ He pauses for a moment as he continues searching for that elusive memory, willing it to come back to him. Maybe this time, he'll get lucky. ]
Lights, the Clicker, a manuscript page... I can get to her now. I can finish this.
I think I found the pieces I needed, to end the story. To save... [ He hesitates, because he knows how Jesse feels whenever he mentions Alice. She doesn't even have to say anything, but he can see the look in her eyes and the change in her posture. It's not fair to her to keep bringing her up, so he just trails off rather than complete that sentence. ]
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