[ He stops to think about that for a moment. How upset would he be if something like that happened? Would he be incensed? Distraught? Maybe at first, but maybe it would be an opportunity for a fresh start. But he knows one thing is for sure: he's never going back into the lake. ]
No, I wouldn't even think about going near a lake, haunted or otherwise, even if I lost every book I'd ever written. [ His expression has a hint of doubt, as if maybe this is a case of "famous last words", but he believes he wouldn't even consider going near Cauldron Lake unless someone close to him was in danger. ]
You know why I jumped into the lake the first time. It was to save Alice, and the second time was to save everyone else, or at least... try to save them. I don't think I'd jump in just because I lost my books.
[ But that doubt that's rooting itself into the back of his mind isn't so easily shaken off. It's that doubt that makes him reach for Jesse's hand to hold it again. ]
... Insisting we worked together. Why does that sound familiar? Someone said that to me before, or I heard someone say that. I think I met Zane again, or someone who called himself Zane. [ Alan shakes his head. The memories of his time in the Dark Place are fragmented, and he can't really put a finger on if he actually met Zane or if he only imagined he did. ] I don't think it was me who worked with him. I think he met Scratch somehow, or he met me when the Dark Presence got me...
[ Alan's hand curls and his expression darkens, because he really doesn't like talking about this. ]
I'm not sure what was going on with any of that.
[ His gaze shifts when he registers her straightening up, looking like she's about to resume eating again. He has yet to do the same, as his mind is whirling with thoughts and half-formed images and memories. ]
You wouldn't want to experience a life like that? You could get a job working somewhere, do your eight hours, and then go home for the day. Maybe we could've done that together: just the two of us, no alien forces, no darkness... just two people living a life, day after day.
[ But then his brow furrows as another realization hits him. ] You wouldn't like that, would you? Being normal, not having Polaris... Maybe we wouldn't have met at all. I guess if you could start over from the beginning and choose between that normal life and the kind of life that you have now, it's pretty clear which one you would choose.
[ But a part of him, that sentimental part, wishes Jesse could have had a happier start to her life, and maybe... just maybe, not have had so many bad things happen to her and to the people around her. ]
Normal? Sure. Less complicated? [ He shrugs. ] But was I really happy though? Were any of us really happy? [ Are we happy now? ]
If I didn't go through all of that, if I didn't know what I know now, maybe I'd never have met you. Maybe I'd just go through life feeling like I was missing something without ever knowing what that something was.
[ He pauses for a moment, and then he adds: ] I'm glad that that didn't happen. I'm glad that I met you.
[ And in a rare moment of sentimentality, Alan curls his fingers more around the hand that he's holding and he slowly lifts it until he can press a light kiss to the back of her hand.
For now, even though he knows it'll only help him in the long run, eating seems to have fallen to the back of his mind again. What's important is showing Jesse how much he cares about her. ]
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No, I wouldn't even think about going near a lake, haunted or otherwise, even if I lost every book I'd ever written. [ His expression has a hint of doubt, as if maybe this is a case of "famous last words", but he believes he wouldn't even consider going near Cauldron Lake unless someone close to him was in danger. ]
You know why I jumped into the lake the first time. It was to save Alice, and the second time was to save everyone else, or at least... try to save them. I don't think I'd jump in just because I lost my books.
[ But that doubt that's rooting itself into the back of his mind isn't so easily shaken off. It's that doubt that makes him reach for Jesse's hand to hold it again. ]
... Insisting we worked together. Why does that sound familiar? Someone said that to me before, or I heard someone say that. I think I met Zane again, or someone who called himself Zane. [ Alan shakes his head. The memories of his time in the Dark Place are fragmented, and he can't really put a finger on if he actually met Zane or if he only imagined he did. ] I don't think it was me who worked with him. I think he met Scratch somehow, or he met me when the Dark Presence got me...
[ Alan's hand curls and his expression darkens, because he really doesn't like talking about this. ]
I'm not sure what was going on with any of that.
[ His gaze shifts when he registers her straightening up, looking like she's about to resume eating again. He has yet to do the same, as his mind is whirling with thoughts and half-formed images and memories. ]
You wouldn't want to experience a life like that? You could get a job working somewhere, do your eight hours, and then go home for the day. Maybe we could've done that together: just the two of us, no alien forces, no darkness... just two people living a life, day after day.
[ But then his brow furrows as another realization hits him. ] You wouldn't like that, would you? Being normal, not having Polaris... Maybe we wouldn't have met at all. I guess if you could start over from the beginning and choose between that normal life and the kind of life that you have now, it's pretty clear which one you would choose.
[ But a part of him, that sentimental part, wishes Jesse could have had a happier start to her life, and maybe... just maybe, not have had so many bad things happen to her and to the people around her. ]
Normal? Sure. Less complicated? [ He shrugs. ] But was I really happy though? Were any of us really happy? [ Are we happy now? ]
If I didn't go through all of that, if I didn't know what I know now, maybe I'd never have met you. Maybe I'd just go through life feeling like I was missing something without ever knowing what that something was.
[ He pauses for a moment, and then he adds: ] I'm glad that that didn't happen. I'm glad that I met you.
[ And in a rare moment of sentimentality, Alan curls his fingers more around the hand that he's holding and he slowly lifts it until he can press a light kiss to the back of her hand.
For now, even though he knows it'll only help him in the long run, eating seems to have fallen to the back of his mind again. What's important is showing Jesse how much he cares about her. ]