[ Maybe the specific memories of "Return" have become foggy in Alan's mind, but he knows that bad things happened in the loops. There's a reason why he feels an instinctive, automatic hatred for the word "return". It signifies nothing but negative things to him, even if there were some positives that happened during it. Maybe the negative ones left bigger scars, and that's why he hates it so much.
Instinct makes his hands clench into fists and tension forms in his shoulders as his mind zeroes in on everything he hates about the loops and the hell it put them through. It's his fault, isn't it? The Dark Place was pulling the strings, but he was still the puppet dancing along to the tune. He's still responsible for the things that happened. Or at least, he believes he's to blame.
An image flares to life in his mind; they're in a diner... the Oh Deer Diner. There's a hallway with a flickering light overhead and Jesse's somewhere... in the restrooms, maybe. The door's locked or won't open, and he's pounding on the door. Why?
His eyes slide closed for a moment, and then he shakes his head as if trying to clear away the images that randomly appeared. It's a bad memory, he's sure of it; he can't remember why, exactly, but he knows it's nothing good. He knows he doesn't want to focus on it and spiral out again. It takes some effort but he manages to push the images away, and his eyes open once more, zeroing back in on Jesse's. ]
Well, that's good. I'm glad he's still with you. Not that I thought he'd stop; someone like him isn't going to just leave just like that. [ Alan's voice is level enough until Jesse references an uncertainty about what might set him off when he was freshly home from the Dark Place. ]
Yeah.. that was probably for the best, but- if he wanted to come around now, that's... It's probably fine.
[ "Probably". Alan remembers more about those days following his return than he wants to talk about. Honestly, he wants to forget them, but only time will help with that. Sometimes, he feels himself starting to go to pieces, and it takes all the willpower he has to stop that from actually happening. He knows how it feels when something's getting under his skin, and sometimes he can stop it, sometimes he can't. It's an uncomfortable feeling, like having cold water poured on him, and there's a terrifying pressure in his head.
Knowing the signs of it helps somewhat, but it doesn't do much to ease his nerves. Right now, he forces himself to breathe through his nose, because now isn't the time for him to spiral out. He's not about to, but he's feeling that uncomfortable tingle on his back, and he doesn't want to let it get worse. ]
Yeah... yeah, you can. [ That's a good way of describing the hate he feels for anything relating to "Return", even the word itself. Her nudge brings him back down to earth and pulls him out of his spiraling thoughts, and he stands up to slowly follow her to the bathroom.
He almost pauses in the doorway, but something tells him that's not what she wants. It's not what he wants either, so he keeps moving forward until he's standing in the room with her. The water's already on, and he stops to focus on the sound of it. He'd be lying if he said that he'd forgotten about the feel of water, and how it can be too hot or cold if put too far in either direction. Maybe water in the Dark Place was always cold; or maybe showers didn't exist at all. If they did, they were probably just as likely to try and drown anyone who used them. Or maybe they just wanted to drown Alan Wake.
Stop that.
Either way, he had to remind himself how showers worked, that the water could be too hot if he wasn't careful. Maybe it's good that she got the shower started instead of him. Once he's standing beside her, he quickly removes his shirt and puts it on the countertop, not even remotely bothered by how easy it is to bare himself around her. ]
Did- did you want help with..? [ He's not sure why his voice suddenly sounds shaky, but he blames it on the memories that threatened to come back to life before he managed to push them away again. He hates how his voice sounds, but it always takes a minute or two for it to level out again when bad memories rise up once more. He asked before taking action, but his hand reaches for her instinctively, just stopping short of touching her, in case she doesn't want his help undressing for the shower. ]
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Instinct makes his hands clench into fists and tension forms in his shoulders as his mind zeroes in on everything he hates about the loops and the hell it put them through. It's his fault, isn't it? The Dark Place was pulling the strings, but he was still the puppet dancing along to the tune. He's still responsible for the things that happened. Or at least, he believes he's to blame.
An image flares to life in his mind; they're in a diner... the Oh Deer Diner. There's a hallway with a flickering light overhead and Jesse's somewhere... in the restrooms, maybe. The door's locked or won't open, and he's pounding on the door. Why?
His eyes slide closed for a moment, and then he shakes his head as if trying to clear away the images that randomly appeared. It's a bad memory, he's sure of it; he can't remember why, exactly, but he knows it's nothing good. He knows he doesn't want to focus on it and spiral out again. It takes some effort but he manages to push the images away, and his eyes open once more, zeroing back in on Jesse's. ]
Well, that's good. I'm glad he's still with you. Not that I thought he'd stop; someone like him isn't going to just leave just like that. [ Alan's voice is level enough until Jesse references an uncertainty about what might set him off when he was freshly home from the Dark Place. ]
Yeah.. that was probably for the best, but- if he wanted to come around now, that's... It's probably fine.
[ "Probably". Alan remembers more about those days following his return than he wants to talk about. Honestly, he wants to forget them, but only time will help with that. Sometimes, he feels himself starting to go to pieces, and it takes all the willpower he has to stop that from actually happening. He knows how it feels when something's getting under his skin, and sometimes he can stop it, sometimes he can't. It's an uncomfortable feeling, like having cold water poured on him, and there's a terrifying pressure in his head.
Knowing the signs of it helps somewhat, but it doesn't do much to ease his nerves. Right now, he forces himself to breathe through his nose, because now isn't the time for him to spiral out. He's not about to, but he's feeling that uncomfortable tingle on his back, and he doesn't want to let it get worse. ]
Yeah... yeah, you can. [ That's a good way of describing the hate he feels for anything relating to "Return", even the word itself. Her nudge brings him back down to earth and pulls him out of his spiraling thoughts, and he stands up to slowly follow her to the bathroom.
He almost pauses in the doorway, but something tells him that's not what she wants. It's not what he wants either, so he keeps moving forward until he's standing in the room with her. The water's already on, and he stops to focus on the sound of it. He'd be lying if he said that he'd forgotten about the feel of water, and how it can be too hot or cold if put too far in either direction. Maybe water in the Dark Place was always cold; or maybe showers didn't exist at all. If they did, they were probably just as likely to try and drown anyone who used them. Or maybe they just wanted to drown Alan Wake.
Stop that.
Either way, he had to remind himself how showers worked, that the water could be too hot if he wasn't careful. Maybe it's good that she got the shower started instead of him. Once he's standing beside her, he quickly removes his shirt and puts it on the countertop, not even remotely bothered by how easy it is to bare himself around her. ]
Did- did you want help with..? [ He's not sure why his voice suddenly sounds shaky, but he blames it on the memories that threatened to come back to life before he managed to push them away again. He hates how his voice sounds, but it always takes a minute or two for it to level out again when bad memories rise up once more. He asked before taking action, but his hand reaches for her instinctively, just stopping short of touching her, in case she doesn't want his help undressing for the shower. ]