In all realities... [ Alan can't stop himself from frowning at the thought of it. ] I know that it makes sense, and it doesn't matter what I think about it, but- [ He shakes his head. He could barely fight the Dark Presence; he can't imagine trying to fight forces that exist in all realities. Can anyone even attempt such a thing? ]
It feels like a losing battle. Not that I'm saying we should give up, but-
[ His frown deepens but he adds: ] What can I do to help?
[ He feels something nudging at his mind; usually Polaris gives nudges like that, but it doesn't feel like Polaris this time. It's something coming from himself, something he barely understands. ]
Maybe I knew what to do with it once, but now I'm not so sure.
[ He knows what she wants and what Polaris wants, but he knows he doesn't feel like the Champion of Light anymore. Maybe that's still inside him somewhere, but he just can't feel it. ]
Yeah. Let's go back to sleep.
[ He doesn't mind thinking of this as her nestling into him; he's more than willing to hold her as she sleeps and to let her rest against him as her support as she rests. Hopefully this helps her drift back off to sleep; that's more important to him than his own rest. But he manages to drift off himself, thanks to the sounds of the birds outside and the feeling of Jesse in his arms, solid and warm and safe.
He doesn't even really know how many minutes or hours have passed before he shifts on the bed, not really wanting to wake up. The bed is warm, and he doesn't want to stop holding onto Jesse, but they do have to get up at some point. In a way, it feels like more than just going out and running errands.
Going out for Alan takes effort, more effort than he imagined, and part of him would rather stay inside for awhile longer. Still, he can't hide from everything forever. He can't hide from living forever. There was a part of him that wanted to get back to normal life and living, and that was part of what he fought for when he was doing his best to escape the Dark Place. Now that he's back, he needs to take that step, otherwise what was the point in it all?
He wanted the life he and Jesse imagined, and getting that life means venturing outside, so that's what he'll do. That's what he has to do.
Still, he doesn't move too much just yet, because he feels that Jesse needs her sleep. So he lies still too, with his eyes closed, focusing on the sounds around him. The birds are still singing, but there's a background noise of cars and trucks passing by; he can still hear Jesse's breathing, and he focuses on that sound as well, as he waits for her to begin to stir. ]
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It feels like a losing battle. Not that I'm saying we should give up, but-
[ His frown deepens but he adds: ] What can I do to help?
[ He feels something nudging at his mind; usually Polaris gives nudges like that, but it doesn't feel like Polaris this time. It's something coming from himself, something he barely understands. ]
Maybe I knew what to do with it once, but now I'm not so sure.
[ He knows what she wants and what Polaris wants, but he knows he doesn't feel like the Champion of Light anymore. Maybe that's still inside him somewhere, but he just can't feel it. ]
Yeah. Let's go back to sleep.
[ He doesn't mind thinking of this as her nestling into him; he's more than willing to hold her as she sleeps and to let her rest against him as her support as she rests. Hopefully this helps her drift back off to sleep; that's more important to him than his own rest. But he manages to drift off himself, thanks to the sounds of the birds outside and the feeling of Jesse in his arms, solid and warm and safe.
He doesn't even really know how many minutes or hours have passed before he shifts on the bed, not really wanting to wake up. The bed is warm, and he doesn't want to stop holding onto Jesse, but they do have to get up at some point. In a way, it feels like more than just going out and running errands.
Going out for Alan takes effort, more effort than he imagined, and part of him would rather stay inside for awhile longer. Still, he can't hide from everything forever. He can't hide from living forever. There was a part of him that wanted to get back to normal life and living, and that was part of what he fought for when he was doing his best to escape the Dark Place. Now that he's back, he needs to take that step, otherwise what was the point in it all?
He wanted the life he and Jesse imagined, and getting that life means venturing outside, so that's what he'll do. That's what he has to do.
Still, he doesn't move too much just yet, because he feels that Jesse needs her sleep. So he lies still too, with his eyes closed, focusing on the sounds around him. The birds are still singing, but there's a background noise of cars and trucks passing by; he can still hear Jesse's breathing, and he focuses on that sound as well, as he waits for her to begin to stir. ]