[ Alan has to pause as he feels something threatening to choke him, something he can't allow to break through. He said his goodbye to Alice, and he put his heart into it, because... well, they were married and in love, and even though things became difficult for both of them, he never really stopped loving her. He won't have Jesse thinking that he isn't happy being with her, and he won't have her doubting that he loves her. He's reasonably sure she doesn't have doubts, but he knows he has to do everything he can to prove himself to her. Still, he can't shake off the lingering grief that's still hanging onto him.
It's not just because of Alice, although that's a large part of it, but some of it is a feeling of grief for all the time that he lost. Who knows how events would have gone? Would he still be with Alice, or would Jesse have stepped into his life? Maybe part of what he's grieving the loss of is his younger years. He wasn't that young thirteen years ago, but now... he both looks and feels old.
But that's not what Jesse was commenting on, and she doesn't need to know the turn his thoughts have taken. He won't saddle her with his feelings, when they're his own to sort out. ]
Yes... but you're important too. You're who I wanted to come home to, so we could have the life we talked about and the things we dreamed about, even if we never said them out loud.
[ Maybe the closure he's obtained isn't what he thought he'd get, but it's all he has. He has to take it and do the best that he can with it.
Alice is a chapter that's passed, and Jesse is the future. That's all he knows with any degree of certainty, and so that's what he's decided he has to hold onto. Alice may still be a presence that he carries with him, at least in his memories, but his life now is with Jesse. ]
They were. It's supposed to start with "Departure", then "Initiation", and then "Return". The stories really got messed up along the way. I wonder what I was even going for when I first settled on those titles. I guess no one will ever know that now.
[ He falls quiet too for a few seconds until she speaks again, and as she talks, he listens carefully. He knows that both of them tried to reach each other, and sometimes they succeeded, but most often, they failed. Or he failed; Jesse at least had Polaris who could help her reach across the distance between them. If he's understanding her correctly, she didn't always manage to reach the "him" she was trying to find, but even that is more than what Alan can say for himself. ]
It's a lot to take in, but I'm trying to understand it. [ Alan's expression turns thoughtful. ] What if the reason why you reached him and could meet with him is because I was out of reach? I know that sounds obvious, but maybe I was out of anyone's reach. I don't remember it clearly at all, but there were loops and spirals, and maybe I looped or spiraled so far down, you couldn't reach me anymore. Maybe the me that you reached was closer to the surface.
[ That's a scary thought. What if I never came back up to the surface? What if I just kept going down until I drowned for good? Would the other me take my place, then? I guess that wouldn't be so bad, because at least Jesse wouldn't be alone. How different could the me that she met and Me me actually be?
Wait. Other Me couldn't take my place, because then some other Jesse out there would be alone. What the hell... I don't understand any of this, but maybe I'm not supposed to. ]
But why is that still happening? The story's over, I'm- Unless... Did the story not end for another version of us? Is that still happening, or has it stopped?
[ He hopes for everyone's sake that it stopped. No more loops, no more spirals, definitely no more goodbyes, for any version of them. ]
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It's not just because of Alice, although that's a large part of it, but some of it is a feeling of grief for all the time that he lost. Who knows how events would have gone? Would he still be with Alice, or would Jesse have stepped into his life? Maybe part of what he's grieving the loss of is his younger years. He wasn't that young thirteen years ago, but now... he both looks and feels old.
But that's not what Jesse was commenting on, and she doesn't need to know the turn his thoughts have taken. He won't saddle her with his feelings, when they're his own to sort out. ]
Yes... but you're important too. You're who I wanted to come home to, so we could have the life we talked about and the things we dreamed about, even if we never said them out loud.
[ Maybe the closure he's obtained isn't what he thought he'd get, but it's all he has. He has to take it and do the best that he can with it.
Alice is a chapter that's passed, and Jesse is the future. That's all he knows with any degree of certainty, and so that's what he's decided he has to hold onto. Alice may still be a presence that he carries with him, at least in his memories, but his life now is with Jesse. ]
They were. It's supposed to start with "Departure", then "Initiation", and then "Return". The stories really got messed up along the way. I wonder what I was even going for when I first settled on those titles. I guess no one will ever know that now.
[ He falls quiet too for a few seconds until she speaks again, and as she talks, he listens carefully. He knows that both of them tried to reach each other, and sometimes they succeeded, but most often, they failed. Or he failed; Jesse at least had Polaris who could help her reach across the distance between them. If he's understanding her correctly, she didn't always manage to reach the "him" she was trying to find, but even that is more than what Alan can say for himself. ]
It's a lot to take in, but I'm trying to understand it. [ Alan's expression turns thoughtful. ] What if the reason why you reached him and could meet with him is because I was out of reach? I know that sounds obvious, but maybe I was out of anyone's reach. I don't remember it clearly at all, but there were loops and spirals, and maybe I looped or spiraled so far down, you couldn't reach me anymore. Maybe the me that you reached was closer to the surface.
[ That's a scary thought. What if I never came back up to the surface? What if I just kept going down until I drowned for good? Would the other me take my place, then? I guess that wouldn't be so bad, because at least Jesse wouldn't be alone. How different could the me that she met and Me me actually be?
Wait. Other Me couldn't take my place, because then some other Jesse out there would be alone. What the hell... I don't understand any of this, but maybe I'm not supposed to. ]
But why is that still happening? The story's over, I'm- Unless... Did the story not end for another version of us? Is that still happening, or has it stopped?
[ He hopes for everyone's sake that it stopped. No more loops, no more spirals, definitely no more goodbyes, for any version of them. ]