[ A gentle blink of her eyes as his hands brush into her loosened hair. Her heart gives a powerful beat. She loves him so damn much, and that's why all of this is so much worse in her mind. All of this power and control she has amassed--even if she never asked for it--and she still can't bring the ones she loves home. She can do everything else a Director needs for the job title. Jesse felt in control until the rug was pulled from under her. It feels like Ordinary all over again. The Buearu taking her brother away with no way for her to stop them. Except this time it's another dimension that Alan willing re-entered. All her power and control meant nothing ... and she still couldn't beacon him home after it.
« He could connect to Alice. He got back to the apartment. How else could Scratch have done it? Alice didn't understand that she was bringing him home again and again. She didn't understand so the Buearu couldn't help.
If she could do it, what did I do so wrong that I couldn't? Why am I SO bad with relationships and others that I... »
Jesse's eyes dart to the side and narrow as water builds in them. She knows the answer and won't even say it to her oldest friend. Trust. Belief. She doesn't have those in people when it comes to the topic of herself. How could she ever bring Alan home when the fear and almost expectation in the back of her mind is that he'll walk away? Everyone else turned their back on the poster pulled from the wall. Why would Alan stay once he was free of the Dark Place?
How could I ever bring him home if I thought the moment he got back he'd leave? Why can't I just believe everything he says? Why am I not--I can't be as good at this as Alice was.
Her piercing green eyes dart back to his. "Stop it," he said. A tremor comes to her hands as the frown deepens more, water bluring her vision. How can she stop feeling this way? She can't. She gave control of the whole situation up to him and Saga. Saga got her ending. Alice got the ending of having saved Alan from his spiraling self destructive loops. Jesse feels as if she had her ending thrown away because she let it be thrown away. She let go of control and her demands and could never get it back.
« I spent a those years feeling this way. I was never going to feel this again. I told myself it would be different. "So what we want didn't work." He actually said that. »
Jesse forces herself to look down as the tears begin to escape. Frustration, anger, and hurt all directed at herself. Criticism at her own inaction. The feeling of being inadequet as a parter and being unable to do for him what his wife could.
« I don't want him to see this side of me. » ]
You hoped they would and they couldn't. They weren't enough. [ The tone is bitter and biting, but directed at herself. Her own failings not his. ] You talked to me and Polaris couldn't tell me. The Hotline couldn't connect. They weren't enough to get you out.
[ His kiss causes the tears to slip down her cheeks. Her eyebrows knit together. ] You helped yourself, you got yourself out. Saga helped you... Alice helped you. It would of gone the same if I hadn't been there.
You--you couldn't even hear us in the end. I tired so damn hard to reach you--and it never did. None of my messages, none of my directions. It only worked because I pulled back. Polaris pulled back. It worked because I let you go.
[ Her shaking hands come up to brush her tears away and barely manage that. ]
no subject
« He could connect to Alice. He got back to the apartment. How else could Scratch have done it? Alice didn't understand that she was bringing him home again and again. She didn't understand so the Buearu couldn't help.
If she could do it, what did I do so wrong that I couldn't? Why am I SO bad with relationships and others that I... »
Jesse's eyes dart to the side and narrow as water builds in them. She knows the answer and won't even say it to her oldest friend. Trust. Belief. She doesn't have those in people when it comes to the topic of herself. How could she ever bring Alan home when the fear and almost expectation in the back of her mind is that he'll walk away? Everyone else turned their back on the poster pulled from the wall. Why would Alan stay once he was free of the Dark Place?
How could I ever bring him home if I thought the moment he got back he'd leave? Why can't I just believe everything he says? Why am I not--I can't be as good at this as Alice was.
Her piercing green eyes dart back to his. "Stop it," he said. A tremor comes to her hands as the frown deepens more, water bluring her vision. How can she stop feeling this way? She can't. She gave control of the whole situation up to him and Saga. Saga got her ending. Alice got the ending of having saved Alan from his spiraling self destructive loops. Jesse feels as if she had her ending thrown away because she let it be thrown away. She let go of control and her demands and could never get it back.
« I spent a those years feeling this way. I was never going to feel this again. I told myself it would be different. "So what we want didn't work." He actually said that. »
Jesse forces herself to look down as the tears begin to escape. Frustration, anger, and hurt all directed at herself. Criticism at her own inaction. The feeling of being inadequet as a parter and being unable to do for him what his wife could.
« I don't want him to see this side of me. » ]
You hoped they would and they couldn't. They weren't enough. [ The tone is bitter and biting, but directed at herself. Her own failings not his. ] You talked to me and Polaris couldn't tell me. The Hotline couldn't connect. They weren't enough to get you out.
[ His kiss causes the tears to slip down her cheeks. Her eyebrows knit together. ] You helped yourself, you got yourself out. Saga helped you... Alice helped you. It would of gone the same if I hadn't been there.
You--you couldn't even hear us in the end. I tired so damn hard to reach you--and it never did. None of my messages, none of my directions. It only worked because I pulled back. Polaris pulled back. It worked because I let you go.
[ Her shaking hands come up to brush her tears away and barely manage that. ]