But- [ Alan knows his expressions gives it away that he's finding it difficult to really believe and accept her words as fact and truth. He can't stop his mind from chastising him with reprimands.
"If only you'd been more on top of things and more perceptive, maybe you would have known how to deal with the issue."
"If you'd just been stronger, it wouldn't have been so easy for Scratch to overpower you and write Return."
"Alan, it's your fault that things got so bad."
Those reprimands linger in his mind even as he pulls himself out of his thoughts and focuses back on Jesse. ]
It'll always feel like everything was my fault. I'll always feel like if I'd been better or stronger or more capable, I could have done more. I would have still needed your help, but maybe I could have gotten farther. And that's why I know I have to make myself useful to you and the Bureau, even if- even if it's hard and uncomfortable and...
[ Unknowingly, Alan's thoughts are echoing Jesse's, in part. He doesn't want to have to relive the nightmares again, but he'll face them if it helps her and the Bureau end the threat for good. It's the least he can do after all the damage he's caused.
It seems that he has a lot to make up for, to take action to help fix what he's done. Being intimate like this with Jesse falls in that category, but it's not only to help fix what he broke. It's because he's missed her and he wants to be with her in ways he wasn't able to be before. Nothing's holding him back now, and he doesn't intend to be held back again.
He just wants to please her, to bring her to a place of pleasure, and doing so makes him feel pleasure too, so he just continues touching her wherever his hands can reach, watching to see how she reacts. Her back arches and he rocks his hips against hers even as he hears that shaky exhale and feels her press her forehead to his shoulder. The trailing kisses on his neck send shivers up his spine, and he gives another squeeze, a little more involuntarily this time but no less lovingly. He rocks against her again, applying just a fraction more pressure and speed this time, because it seems that his passions have full control now, having taken the proverbial reins, and he just wants to thrill both of them, losing themselves in the moment. ]
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"If only you'd been more on top of things and more perceptive, maybe you would have known how to deal with the issue."
"If you'd just been stronger, it wouldn't have been so easy for Scratch to overpower you and write Return."
"Alan, it's your fault that things got so bad."
Those reprimands linger in his mind even as he pulls himself out of his thoughts and focuses back on Jesse. ]
It'll always feel like everything was my fault. I'll always feel like if I'd been better or stronger or more capable, I could have done more. I would have still needed your help, but maybe I could have gotten farther. And that's why I know I have to make myself useful to you and the Bureau, even if- even if it's hard and uncomfortable and...
[ Unknowingly, Alan's thoughts are echoing Jesse's, in part. He doesn't want to have to relive the nightmares again, but he'll face them if it helps her and the Bureau end the threat for good. It's the least he can do after all the damage he's caused.
It seems that he has a lot to make up for, to take action to help fix what he's done. Being intimate like this with Jesse falls in that category, but it's not only to help fix what he broke. It's because he's missed her and he wants to be with her in ways he wasn't able to be before. Nothing's holding him back now, and he doesn't intend to be held back again.
He just wants to please her, to bring her to a place of pleasure, and doing so makes him feel pleasure too, so he just continues touching her wherever his hands can reach, watching to see how she reacts. Her back arches and he rocks his hips against hers even as he hears that shaky exhale and feels her press her forehead to his shoulder. The trailing kisses on his neck send shivers up his spine, and he gives another squeeze, a little more involuntarily this time but no less lovingly. He rocks against her again, applying just a fraction more pressure and speed this time, because it seems that his passions have full control now, having taken the proverbial reins, and he just wants to thrill both of them, losing themselves in the moment. ]