[ It's weird for Alan to think about something as normal as having a movie night with friends, but talking with Arish about it makes him want it more.
But for now, he just nods at Arish and makes a note to come back to talk with him more later. Strangely enough, it's company that Alan wants most. Company, friendship, talking about anything but the horror they're in: the horror that seems to follow him, mostly because he writes about it. Maybe this really is his fault.
It's obvious to Alan that Jesse has no idea she has company in the room with her, no idea that he's standing there trying to work up the nerve to just talk to her. On some level, maybe it's just the outcome of everything he's done. Maybe Jesse will just shut him out instead of letting him back in. What has she gained from knowing him? Alan's not sure he's really given her anything positive, only negatives.
Maybe that's just what I do. I make people miserable. No, I can't think like that. It's not true, is it? If I keep thinking like this, I'll talk myself out of it and I'll never be able to approach her. Screw it, I have to talk to her. I want to talk to her. Even if all she does is tell me to leave her alone, I have to try.
Truthfully, all he expects from her is rejection. It's only fair, given how he jerked her around, made her think she could save him, and in the end, left her behind. Why would she willingly let him back in after everything he's done? No, he expects that she won't let him back in. His chance with her is over. At least, he's afraid it is. He's certain her walls are back up, and this time, they'll never come down again, not for him. He'll never see the girl from Ordinary again. If he gets to stay in her life at all, it'll only be with the Director, not Jesse.
But he'll never know the truth of it either way if he stays standing here in this door frame. The nudge comes again, as does the voice, and Alan swallows his fears, squares his shoulders, and steps up to the table, feeling in a way that he's stepping back through a threshold, heading once again into an unknown situation. ]
... Jesse?
[ He braces himself for what he's certain is going to be waves of anger, and an order to get out. To leave her alone. Again, like he did before. ]
no subject
But for now, he just nods at Arish and makes a note to come back to talk with him more later. Strangely enough, it's company that Alan wants most. Company, friendship, talking about anything but the horror they're in: the horror that seems to follow him, mostly because he writes about it. Maybe this really is his fault.
It's obvious to Alan that Jesse has no idea she has company in the room with her, no idea that he's standing there trying to work up the nerve to just talk to her. On some level, maybe it's just the outcome of everything he's done. Maybe Jesse will just shut him out instead of letting him back in. What has she gained from knowing him? Alan's not sure he's really given her anything positive, only negatives.
Maybe that's just what I do. I make people miserable. No, I can't think like that. It's not true, is it? If I keep thinking like this, I'll talk myself out of it and I'll never be able to approach her. Screw it, I have to talk to her. I want to talk to her. Even if all she does is tell me to leave her alone, I have to try.
Truthfully, all he expects from her is rejection. It's only fair, given how he jerked her around, made her think she could save him, and in the end, left her behind. Why would she willingly let him back in after everything he's done? No, he expects that she won't let him back in. His chance with her is over. At least, he's afraid it is. He's certain her walls are back up, and this time, they'll never come down again, not for him. He'll never see the girl from Ordinary again. If he gets to stay in her life at all, it'll only be with the Director, not Jesse.
But he'll never know the truth of it either way if he stays standing here in this door frame. The nudge comes again, as does the voice, and Alan swallows his fears, squares his shoulders, and steps up to the table, feeling in a way that he's stepping back through a threshold, heading once again into an unknown situation. ]
... Jesse?
[ He braces himself for what he's certain is going to be waves of anger, and an order to get out. To leave her alone. Again, like he did before. ]