[ There's nothing here to be happy about. Nothing that counters the near constant horror and terror that is the Dark Place. Jesse being here is the closest thing to that that he's found. Well, that and meeting Tim whenever he can. Tim and Jesse are the bright spots in a never ending darkness. Even if he fears what this place might do to both of them, he is glad for both of them. He's glad that Tim is there whenever he can find him, and he's glad for any time that he gets to see Jesse. Maybe they're Alan's constants.
They're the constants that he's scared to lose. But he figures that one day, Tim will have found his way back home, and he won't hear that familiar humming when he's out wandering through the city. And as for Jesse, he's terrified of losing her when he's only just found her. Maybe one day, he'll wake up and find out that all of this was a dream, and he only imagined everything they shared together.
I need to protect her. I don't know how I can, when protecting people isn't how things work in a horror story.
Alan's mind is off and running down paths that might lead nowhere, but he knows there's more he needs to do whether she asks it of him or not.
Can I do something to make things brighter? To chase away the darkness? It can't be obvious, because it never can. But maybe if I weave it in subtlely, the story won't notice. I have to do something.
That stress that Jesse worried about in her thoughts is evident again in Alan's frame and posture. He spends so much time worrying and fretting and trying to shift the story in ways that lets him do what he needs to. What other people need him to. Even if Jesse never asked him to do anything, he'd still be worrying about it.
It's a never ending fight to outsmart the Dark Presence. But the Dark Presence has the edge. It's relentless, and never gets tired. Alan does get tired. He's not relentless, but he's forced to be. He's forced to work through the exhaustion to keep fighting back.
It'll be worth it in the end when I save everyone.
Of course, none of this is important now. What he just saw is of more importance. And naturally, Jesse deduced what he saw based on his accidental commentary. As always, he listens with rapt attention. There's still so much he doesn't know about the FBC and the struggles they've faced as well, some of which were because of Alan's own actions.
He's listening, and he's understanding, but the shifting expressions on his face suggests that he doesn't like what he's hearing. "You can't save everybody," Marshall said. Ironic, when she herself wasn't saved. But that isn't what troubles Alan.
Maybe he didn't directly cause the problems with the Hiss, and maybe Hartman would have been confronted by the FBC eventually. But if he hadn't meddled in things that he hardly understood, maybe Marshall would still be alive. Maybe the agents who died in the fights with Hartman and the Hiss would still be alive. He can't know that with any degree of certainty, but it feels like all of them are casualties of his meddling.
Maybe Casey's right. I use people like pawns and I don't stop to think how it hurts them. From where I'm standing, Jesse and the rest of the FBC should want me contained. ]
So if the Hiss weren't a problem, or at least, if they weren't as large of a problem, Marshall wouldn't have felt like she had no other choice, right?
[ Why does it always boil down to desperate people who felt they had no other options? ]
no subject
They're the constants that he's scared to lose. But he figures that one day, Tim will have found his way back home, and he won't hear that familiar humming when he's out wandering through the city. And as for Jesse, he's terrified of losing her when he's only just found her. Maybe one day, he'll wake up and find out that all of this was a dream, and he only imagined everything they shared together.
I need to protect her. I don't know how I can, when protecting people isn't how things work in a horror story.
Alan's mind is off and running down paths that might lead nowhere, but he knows there's more he needs to do whether she asks it of him or not.
Can I do something to make things brighter? To chase away the darkness? It can't be obvious, because it never can. But maybe if I weave it in subtlely, the story won't notice. I have to do something.
That stress that Jesse worried about in her thoughts is evident again in Alan's frame and posture. He spends so much time worrying and fretting and trying to shift the story in ways that lets him do what he needs to. What other people need him to. Even if Jesse never asked him to do anything, he'd still be worrying about it.
It's a never ending fight to outsmart the Dark Presence. But the Dark Presence has the edge. It's relentless, and never gets tired. Alan does get tired. He's not relentless, but he's forced to be. He's forced to work through the exhaustion to keep fighting back.
It'll be worth it in the end when I save everyone.
Of course, none of this is important now. What he just saw is of more importance. And naturally, Jesse deduced what he saw based on his accidental commentary. As always, he listens with rapt attention. There's still so much he doesn't know about the FBC and the struggles they've faced as well, some of which were because of Alan's own actions.
He's listening, and he's understanding, but the shifting expressions on his face suggests that he doesn't like what he's hearing. "You can't save everybody," Marshall said. Ironic, when she herself wasn't saved. But that isn't what troubles Alan.
Maybe he didn't directly cause the problems with the Hiss, and maybe Hartman would have been confronted by the FBC eventually. But if he hadn't meddled in things that he hardly understood, maybe Marshall would still be alive. Maybe the agents who died in the fights with Hartman and the Hiss would still be alive. He can't know that with any degree of certainty, but it feels like all of them are casualties of his meddling.
Maybe Casey's right. I use people like pawns and I don't stop to think how it hurts them. From where I'm standing, Jesse and the rest of the FBC should want me contained. ]
So if the Hiss weren't a problem, or at least, if they weren't as large of a problem, Marshall wouldn't have felt like she had no other choice, right?
[ Why does it always boil down to desperate people who felt they had no other options? ]