[ This isn't enough. It's not good. I'm not using the time effectively. I know she won't like it, but- when will I have this chance again? Maybe we'll never see each other like this again.
Alan's breathing hitches again as if his body is reacting with displeasure to those thoughts. But he can't pretend it's not a possibility. They might meet again in the loops, but it won't be like this. He doesn't want it to be exactly like this. Jesse being here in the Dark Place is dangerous for her.
Just give me five minutes. Five minutes to tell her what I think. That's all I need.
At some point, his eyes closed again, as if even keeping them open took more strength than he presently had. But after a few more minutes passed, he opened them again, gray eyes searching for hers even though he doesn't have to look very far. He wouldn't ask her to worry about him, or be concerned about him, knowing she doesn't show those things easily. of course, they're showing now, but he's reasonably certain she'd rather wear the stoic mask of Director than allow her real feelings to leak through.
If he could, he'd reach up with his hand to touch her, but that action seems a bit beyond him for the moment. So he contents himself with lightly squeezing her hand in return as he tries to summon up the breath needed to say what he wants to say. ]
... Jesse, I- [ I have to get this right. It has to be exactly right. She has to understand. If I can just get her to understand, it'll be worth it. ] You need to know something.
[ He hopes she can forgive how he has to stop and start frequently to catch his breath. ]
You've- you've helped me. Maybe it doesn't seem like it, or feel like it, but- You have. I know you have. And...
[ His eyes flicker again as if threatening to close as his exhaustion pulls at him.
No, I'm not done. I have more I need to say. ]
I need... I want to help you now. [ To help you with everything you went through with Ordinary. Before it. After it. I don't know if she'll understand.
Who held her hand when she was going through that? When she was being told she was crazy? Polaris was there, but who else?
He sees her looking away from him, staring ahead of them at the door, as if she's expecting something to happen. What is it?
That sense of urgency pulls at Alan again, and he has to stop to catch his breath again. ]
I want to help you with- with... [ Dammit, I just need to say this. Come on... ]
You don't always have to be the strong one. Keeping all of it together. [ It's cliche as hell, but we can do it together. Lean on each other. ] If I get out, I want to help you. Be there for you, instead of leaving you on your own, like...
[ Like I've done too many times already. Like others have done too many times already. She won't be alone if I can help it. It sounds ridiculous. Maybe she won't get what I'm saying.
Alan sounds breathless again, and he knows he's running out of words and strength both. Maybe his half-completed sentences won't make sense to her at all. ]
no subject
Alan's breathing hitches again as if his body is reacting with displeasure to those thoughts. But he can't pretend it's not a possibility. They might meet again in the loops, but it won't be like this. He doesn't want it to be exactly like this. Jesse being here in the Dark Place is dangerous for her.
Just give me five minutes. Five minutes to tell her what I think. That's all I need.
At some point, his eyes closed again, as if even keeping them open took more strength than he presently had. But after a few more minutes passed, he opened them again, gray eyes searching for hers even though he doesn't have to look very far. He wouldn't ask her to worry about him, or be concerned about him, knowing she doesn't show those things easily. of course, they're showing now, but he's reasonably certain she'd rather wear the stoic mask of Director than allow her real feelings to leak through.
If he could, he'd reach up with his hand to touch her, but that action seems a bit beyond him for the moment. So he contents himself with lightly squeezing her hand in return as he tries to summon up the breath needed to say what he wants to say. ]
... Jesse, I- [ I have to get this right. It has to be exactly right. She has to understand. If I can just get her to understand, it'll be worth it. ] You need to know something.
[ He hopes she can forgive how he has to stop and start frequently to catch his breath. ]
You've- you've helped me. Maybe it doesn't seem like it, or feel like it, but- You have. I know you have. And...
[ His eyes flicker again as if threatening to close as his exhaustion pulls at him.
No, I'm not done. I have more I need to say. ]
I need... I want to help you now. [ To help you with everything you went through with Ordinary. Before it. After it. I don't know if she'll understand.
Who held her hand when she was going through that? When she was being told she was crazy? Polaris was there, but who else?
He sees her looking away from him, staring ahead of them at the door, as if she's expecting something to happen. What is it?
That sense of urgency pulls at Alan again, and he has to stop to catch his breath again. ]
I want to help you with- with... [ Dammit, I just need to say this. Come on... ]
You don't always have to be the strong one. Keeping all of it together. [ It's cliche as hell, but we can do it together. Lean on each other. ] If I get out, I want to help you. Be there for you, instead of leaving you on your own, like...
[ Like I've done too many times already. Like others have done too many times already. She won't be alone if I can help it. It sounds ridiculous. Maybe she won't get what I'm saying.
Alan sounds breathless again, and he knows he's running out of words and strength both. Maybe his half-completed sentences won't make sense to her at all. ]
You're the reason I want to come home.