[ I don't want to think. I don't want to write. I'm always writing, always talking, and when I'm not doing that, something is forcing me to do it anyway. I can't do it anymore.
She never should have seen that. I never wanted her to see that. Now she knows there's never been a time when I was myself. I'm always being pulled one way or another, never staying still. Never being myself. Who would want to be with someone like that? Who could love someone like that?
Who am I, anyway?
Suddenly, it doesn't matter to Alan if the Diver remains with them or not. It doesn't matter if he reminds him about how to use the light to his advantage. The knowledge is in Alan's mind somewhere, if the Dark Presence hasn't clawed it all away. What does it matter if he knows how to use the light to drive away the darkness? It'll never make it go away for good. The Dark Presence will try to take him again, and when it does, he hopes Jesse isn't there to witness it. Not again. Not for the first time, a fear of what will be left of him gnaws at Alan's thoughts.
If the Dark Presence keeps up these attacks, there might not be anything left. He could write all the notes to himself in the world in a desperate effort to hang onto who he is. But would it be enough?
He rests his head against her shoulder, feeling more tired now than ever. But still, some part of him manages to reach out to Polaris who is humming and try and hold onto that humming resonance.
The Diver might be gone, or going; Alan can't tell. But he can hear those echoed breaths just as he can feel Jesse's hands curling into the fabric of his coat.
She's here. She's still here. ] Jesse. [ It's not a question. It's a statement, and a wavering one at that. Alan's voice is as unsteady as the rest of him, and it's hoarse too, the result of the screams and shouts that the Dark Presence forced out of him. ]
I- I don't know if I can do this anymore. [ I have to write. That's a given. But how can I write when I don't know what to write? Why can't I write down the ending? There must be an ending. The story has an ending. I just don't understand why I can't find it. ] I'm doing something wrong... Is there something wrong with me?
[ Has it taken too much of my mind for me to really know how to fix the story?
A handful of seconds pauses before Alan adds: ] I'm sorry. Again.
[ Maybe I can't write the story because it doesn't want to be changed. It has an ending. It's just not the ending that I want. It's trying to make me give up. And I think it's succeeding. ]
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She never should have seen that. I never wanted her to see that. Now she knows there's never been a time when I was myself. I'm always being pulled one way or another, never staying still. Never being myself. Who would want to be with someone like that? Who could love someone like that?
Who am I, anyway?
Suddenly, it doesn't matter to Alan if the Diver remains with them or not. It doesn't matter if he reminds him about how to use the light to his advantage. The knowledge is in Alan's mind somewhere, if the Dark Presence hasn't clawed it all away. What does it matter if he knows how to use the light to drive away the darkness? It'll never make it go away for good. The Dark Presence will try to take him again, and when it does, he hopes Jesse isn't there to witness it. Not again. Not for the first time, a fear of what will be left of him gnaws at Alan's thoughts.
If the Dark Presence keeps up these attacks, there might not be anything left. He could write all the notes to himself in the world in a desperate effort to hang onto who he is. But would it be enough?
He rests his head against her shoulder, feeling more tired now than ever. But still, some part of him manages to reach out to Polaris who is humming and try and hold onto that humming resonance.
The Diver might be gone, or going; Alan can't tell. But he can hear those echoed breaths just as he can feel Jesse's hands curling into the fabric of his coat.
She's here. She's still here. ] Jesse. [ It's not a question. It's a statement, and a wavering one at that. Alan's voice is as unsteady as the rest of him, and it's hoarse too, the result of the screams and shouts that the Dark Presence forced out of him. ]
I- I don't know if I can do this anymore. [ I have to write. That's a given. But how can I write when I don't know what to write? Why can't I write down the ending? There must be an ending. The story has an ending. I just don't understand why I can't find it. ] I'm doing something wrong... Is there something wrong with me?
[ Has it taken too much of my mind for me to really know how to fix the story?
A handful of seconds pauses before Alan adds: ] I'm sorry. Again.
[ Maybe I can't write the story because it doesn't want to be changed. It has an ending. It's just not the ending that I want. It's trying to make me give up. And I think it's succeeding. ]