Really? It's that easy for you? I thought- Well, I figured you'd laugh and call kid me silly for needing something like that to not be scared. [ If only it was that easy now. I'm scared, maybe even terrified, but can I tell her that? Can I tell anyone? ] Maybe that was just foreshadowing for all of this. Except that would imply that I was always on this path, always going to end up trapped here. I don't know what you think about destiny and fate, but I didn't think this was going to end up being mine.
[ He can't let himself linger on that thought for too long, because doing that would only cause him to lean more towards a feeling of futility, that maybe he should give up. The Dark Presence constantly tries nudging him in that direction, to just give in and let the story play itself out how it will. But he can't afford to do that. He won't allow himself to do that. ]
Maybe it is magical, but I don't think it's magical enough to free me from this place. Or maybe I just don't believe in it enough. I- it's complicated. I know it drives the shadows away, but it's not going to break down the walls between realities and let me escape.
[ Too late, Alan realizes he's sinking again. Slowly, not rapidly, but he's definitely sinking. ]
I'm sorry, I can't- I just can't. I- [ His face falls again, knowing he can't continue this topic of conversation. Feelings of hopelessness are never that far from him, but it seems that they're dangerously close to pulling him away from her again.
Talking about normal things like the possibility of Jesse being in a band is better than talking about what he's facing. What he's been facing. Maybe it's just a form of avoidance, but for him, facing his fears and this situation head on doesn't help. It just makes him spiral more. It's different when he's in the loops. In here, the darkness has all the cards and all the control. ]
I- [ He forces himself to draw a shaky breath and let it out again in an effort to calm himself back down. ] You'd look good in jeans and a band t-shirt. And a leather jacket. [ I hope she understands what I'm doing. I need to talk about something normal, or I'll wash away again. ] Out of the vinyls you found, which one did you like most?
[ It's not too difficult for him to imagine that maybe listening to the Old Gods makes her feel close to her dad. Or maybe it doesn't. Maybe it's just him making things up. But he likes to think of it being a positive thing for her.
Against his earlier resolution from just minutes ago, Alan puts forward a theoretical question based on what Jesse just told him. ]
What if you put me in a containment cell next to Cauldron Lake? What if it woke up Scratch, or lured Scratch in close enough that you and whoever else you brought with you from the FBC could stop him? What was that stuff you mentioned once? [ Again, Alan has to search through his confused memory to find the right thing he's thinking of. ] Black rock? Maybe it wouldn't work, but I don't know what the hell would anymore.
[ He falls silent as she presses her face against his neck. Sometimes he just wants to be quiet, to not talk for a little while. He's always talking, always writing, and sometimes he just wants quiet. Except too much quiet is what lets unwanted thoughts in. It's about finding the right balance. ]
Nothing about this is easy. I don't expect you or anyone else to make things easy. [ He laughs dryly. ] I'm not even making it easy for myself.
[ He shakes his head. ] Why are you apologizing? Nothing about this is your fault either.
[ He doesn't want to state it so plainly, but he's starting to believe that the only way for this to work is if it's hard on him. Maybe he's believed that all along.
She's right in thinking he's in a delicate place. He's drifting just as much as he is staying still: staying there with her. Oh, when he feels himself start to drift, he tries his best to fight the current pushing him away. But his efforts aren't the strongest, not anymore. Even the strongest of swimmers can tire when caught in a current. Alan's been caught in one for far too long, and he's beyond tired now.
If he knew that the Dark Presence was trying to lure Jesse in with its insidious voice that's disguised and camouflaged to hide the truth, Alan would react as strongly as he could. That's why he never wanted Jesse coming this close. It's not worth the risk. He can't stand the thought of her being touched by the darkness or being pulled beneath the waves like he was.
Her hands tugging on his is what pulls him out of his thoughts, away from the waves crashing against the shore of his mind. It takes a valiant effort on his part to focus on her, but he manages it in the end. ]
Jesse? I'm- I'm trying to listen. [ The roar of the waves wants to drown her out, but he's doing his best to pay attention. ]
Polaris. The guiding star. Your star. [ He hasn't forgotten these details, but he needs to remind himself. To keep the memory from fading too much. ] Nothing cancels out the darkness. [ Is it all a hopeless endeavor? No, it's not. It can't be.
He finds himself struggling to remember what she's talking about. The memories are still in him, in his mind, but they're becoming buried: stifled by the darkness. ]
Hartman. The Hiss. The Third Thing. I think I remember. Barely.
[ Jesse starts talking about light, and how it relates to Polaris. Or how Polaris relates to it. Alan's gray eyes seem to darken, as if whatever light still left in them is waning. ]
Do you see light in this room? [ The champion of light? The torchbearer? Whoever that is, he's not here.
He nods in the direction of the dim lamp on the desk. It barely lets off light at all, just like him. ]
Don't you see, there's only darkness here? The lights can't penetrate it, can't break through. The- the lights won't turn on. It's too dark. There's too much darkness.
[ I can't...
He leans instinctively into her touch even as he feels his fears pulling him away. ]
How? How do I wake up? I mean, really wake up? I don't know...
[ Suddenly Alan's voice is filled with desperation bordering on hysteria as he tries to fight against the swirling darkness that threatens to choke him. ]
... can you help me wake up?
[ Maybe she can't. Maybe I have to help myself wake up. But how? ]
no subject
[ He can't let himself linger on that thought for too long, because doing that would only cause him to lean more towards a feeling of futility, that maybe he should give up. The Dark Presence constantly tries nudging him in that direction, to just give in and let the story play itself out how it will. But he can't afford to do that. He won't allow himself to do that. ]
Maybe it is magical, but I don't think it's magical enough to free me from this place. Or maybe I just don't believe in it enough. I- it's complicated. I know it drives the shadows away, but it's not going to break down the walls between realities and let me escape.
[ Too late, Alan realizes he's sinking again. Slowly, not rapidly, but he's definitely sinking. ]
I'm sorry, I can't- I just can't. I- [ His face falls again, knowing he can't continue this topic of conversation. Feelings of hopelessness are never that far from him, but it seems that they're dangerously close to pulling him away from her again.
Talking about normal things like the possibility of Jesse being in a band is better than talking about what he's facing. What he's been facing. Maybe it's just a form of avoidance, but for him, facing his fears and this situation head on doesn't help. It just makes him spiral more. It's different when he's in the loops. In here, the darkness has all the cards and all the control. ]
I- [ He forces himself to draw a shaky breath and let it out again in an effort to calm himself back down. ] You'd look good in jeans and a band t-shirt. And a leather jacket. [ I hope she understands what I'm doing. I need to talk about something normal, or I'll wash away again. ] Out of the vinyls you found, which one did you like most?
[ It's not too difficult for him to imagine that maybe listening to the Old Gods makes her feel close to her dad. Or maybe it doesn't. Maybe it's just him making things up. But he likes to think of it being a positive thing for her.
Against his earlier resolution from just minutes ago, Alan puts forward a theoretical question based on what Jesse just told him. ]
What if you put me in a containment cell next to Cauldron Lake? What if it woke up Scratch, or lured Scratch in close enough that you and whoever else you brought with you from the FBC could stop him? What was that stuff you mentioned once? [ Again, Alan has to search through his confused memory to find the right thing he's thinking of. ] Black rock? Maybe it wouldn't work, but I don't know what the hell would anymore.
[ He falls silent as she presses her face against his neck. Sometimes he just wants to be quiet, to not talk for a little while. He's always talking, always writing, and sometimes he just wants quiet. Except too much quiet is what lets unwanted thoughts in. It's about finding the right balance. ]
Nothing about this is easy. I don't expect you or anyone else to make things easy. [ He laughs dryly. ] I'm not even making it easy for myself.
[ He shakes his head. ] Why are you apologizing? Nothing about this is your fault either.
[ He doesn't want to state it so plainly, but he's starting to believe that the only way for this to work is if it's hard on him. Maybe he's believed that all along.
She's right in thinking he's in a delicate place. He's drifting just as much as he is staying still: staying there with her. Oh, when he feels himself start to drift, he tries his best to fight the current pushing him away. But his efforts aren't the strongest, not anymore. Even the strongest of swimmers can tire when caught in a current. Alan's been caught in one for far too long, and he's beyond tired now.
If he knew that the Dark Presence was trying to lure Jesse in with its insidious voice that's disguised and camouflaged to hide the truth, Alan would react as strongly as he could. That's why he never wanted Jesse coming this close. It's not worth the risk. He can't stand the thought of her being touched by the darkness or being pulled beneath the waves like he was.
Her hands tugging on his is what pulls him out of his thoughts, away from the waves crashing against the shore of his mind. It takes a valiant effort on his part to focus on her, but he manages it in the end. ]
Jesse? I'm- I'm trying to listen. [ The roar of the waves wants to drown her out, but he's doing his best to pay attention. ]
Polaris. The guiding star. Your star. [ He hasn't forgotten these details, but he needs to remind himself. To keep the memory from fading too much. ] Nothing cancels out the darkness. [ Is it all a hopeless endeavor? No, it's not. It can't be.
He finds himself struggling to remember what she's talking about. The memories are still in him, in his mind, but they're becoming buried: stifled by the darkness. ]
Hartman. The Hiss. The Third Thing. I think I remember. Barely.
[ Jesse starts talking about light, and how it relates to Polaris. Or how Polaris relates to it. Alan's gray eyes seem to darken, as if whatever light still left in them is waning. ]
Do you see light in this room? [ The champion of light? The torchbearer? Whoever that is, he's not here.
He nods in the direction of the dim lamp on the desk. It barely lets off light at all, just like him. ]
Don't you see, there's only darkness here? The lights can't penetrate it, can't break through. The- the lights won't turn on. It's too dark. There's too much darkness.
[ I can't...
He leans instinctively into her touch even as he feels his fears pulling him away. ]
How? How do I wake up? I mean, really wake up? I don't know...
[ Suddenly Alan's voice is filled with desperation bordering on hysteria as he tries to fight against the swirling darkness that threatens to choke him. ]
... can you help me wake up?
[ Maybe she can't. Maybe I have to help myself wake up. But how? ]