Nowhere to go... [ Somehow, that affects him more than he had expected. To not have a place to call home, to not have somewhere safe to go to... He doesn't like the thought of Jesse being in that situation. Never mind that it's not her present situation now, but the fact that it was at one point does not sit well with him. ] I'd like to say that if I had known you then, and our paths crossed, you could have stayed with us. At least until you got back on your feet. But...
[ The man he was then wouldn't have thought about that, and he knows it. He can't lie and say otherwise. If not for Cauldron Lake and Alice being pulled in, none of this would have happened. He wouldn't be who he is now, and he wouldn't have become this close to her.
Oh, maybe there'd be a twist of fate that saw them meeting, but what would that meeting be like without the catalyst that is his being trapped in the Dark Place? I'm not grateful to the Dark Presence for any of this, because how could I be? But if none of this had happened, I wouldn't feel the way I do about Jesse. Maybe that's what she meant about the miracle illuminated. It just took me time to realize it. ]
Thank you. [ He knows that she doesn't expect thanks, but he gives it anyway. ] You could decide that it's not worth it to you anymore and turn your focus to something else. [ Something that doesn't involve waiting for someone who may never make it out. I don't like to think like that, but it's a possibility. ]
You could even just go on with your life and only think about me once in awhile. [ When she sees flannel, or one of my books, or maybe she won't think about me at all. Maybe if I got out, I'd go look for her, try to find her... if she wanted to be found. ] It- It means a lot that you're still here.
[ I'm not going to say it, because I think we both know it. This place could keep me forever. Sometimes it feels like my getting out hinges on a flip of a coin. If it lands the wrong way up, I'm stuck. How many coin flips are left until this just becomes my reality?
He feels that creeping sensation of dread taking hold of him once more: dread that he'll never leave this place. He'll never see home again. If she wasn't here with him, that feeling of dread is strong enough that it would pull him back down to the floor. And as before, he'd contemplate not getting back up.
Another voice echoes in his mind; it sounds like him in part, but different in another part: The story's already written. The ending set on the page. Just let the ending play itself out. You've fought it long enough. Just go to sleep, Alan. Just let me take the reins now. Your friends will be safe with me.
A face appears in his mind's eye; his face, but not his at the same time. The face smiles, a wide, toothy smile. It doesn't reassure Alan one bit.
I won't. I can't let that happen. I can't go to sleep. I can't let the ending go the way it is. I don't know how I'll be able to keep going, but I have to. There's no other choice.
Her arms wrapping around him pulls him away from those thoughts. She needs him to be present; he can't let his fears pull him away from her. He holds still, letting her hands travel where she wishes to place them: against his back, on his face as she's done before, wherever she wants. This outfit is just as comforting to Alan as the flannel is; it feels like it belongs to another man, but it feels like it fits him like a glove even so. It is much more him than the suit and tie is.
Her tears keep coming, and he keeps doing his best to dry them. Of course, he understands the need to cry. Maybe she's kept her emotions in for so long that they can't help but spill out now. Finally, he just lets her lean into his hold and his arms move to tighten around her protectively. Hopefully comfortingly. She can cry on his shoulder if she needs to. ]
Yeah? You do? [ He smiles a small smile when she says she likes what he's wearing. She hasn't said it in so many words, because that's not her style, but he takes her actions to mean his words are reaching her. Ironic, if that's the case. Half the time, her words don't reach me when I'm going off on one of my nutty spells. That's why I'm surprised she hasn't given up and left. But she's stubborn; maybe even more stubborn than I am. ] So I guess that means I should ditch the suit. It wasn't really my style anyway.
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[ The man he was then wouldn't have thought about that, and he knows it. He can't lie and say otherwise. If not for Cauldron Lake and Alice being pulled in, none of this would have happened. He wouldn't be who he is now, and he wouldn't have become this close to her.
Oh, maybe there'd be a twist of fate that saw them meeting, but what would that meeting be like without the catalyst that is his being trapped in the Dark Place? I'm not grateful to the Dark Presence for any of this, because how could I be? But if none of this had happened, I wouldn't feel the way I do about Jesse. Maybe that's what she meant about the miracle illuminated. It just took me time to realize it. ]
Thank you. [ He knows that she doesn't expect thanks, but he gives it anyway. ] You could decide that it's not worth it to you anymore and turn your focus to something else. [ Something that doesn't involve waiting for someone who may never make it out. I don't like to think like that, but it's a possibility. ]
You could even just go on with your life and only think about me once in awhile. [ When she sees flannel, or one of my books, or maybe she won't think about me at all. Maybe if I got out, I'd go look for her, try to find her... if she wanted to be found. ] It- It means a lot that you're still here.
[ I'm not going to say it, because I think we both know it. This place could keep me forever. Sometimes it feels like my getting out hinges on a flip of a coin. If it lands the wrong way up, I'm stuck. How many coin flips are left until this just becomes my reality?
He feels that creeping sensation of dread taking hold of him once more: dread that he'll never leave this place. He'll never see home again. If she wasn't here with him, that feeling of dread is strong enough that it would pull him back down to the floor. And as before, he'd contemplate not getting back up.
Another voice echoes in his mind; it sounds like him in part, but different in another part: The story's already written. The ending set on the page. Just let the ending play itself out. You've fought it long enough. Just go to sleep, Alan. Just let me take the reins now. Your friends will be safe with me.
A face appears in his mind's eye; his face, but not his at the same time. The face smiles, a wide, toothy smile. It doesn't reassure Alan one bit.
I won't. I can't let that happen. I can't go to sleep. I can't let the ending go the way it is. I don't know how I'll be able to keep going, but I have to. There's no other choice.
Her arms wrapping around him pulls him away from those thoughts. She needs him to be present; he can't let his fears pull him away from her. He holds still, letting her hands travel where she wishes to place them: against his back, on his face as she's done before, wherever she wants. This outfit is just as comforting to Alan as the flannel is; it feels like it belongs to another man, but it feels like it fits him like a glove even so. It is much more him than the suit and tie is.
Her tears keep coming, and he keeps doing his best to dry them. Of course, he understands the need to cry. Maybe she's kept her emotions in for so long that they can't help but spill out now. Finally, he just lets her lean into his hold and his arms move to tighten around her protectively. Hopefully comfortingly. She can cry on his shoulder if she needs to. ]
Yeah? You do? [ He smiles a small smile when she says she likes what he's wearing. She hasn't said it in so many words, because that's not her style, but he takes her actions to mean his words are reaching her. Ironic, if that's the case. Half the time, her words don't reach me when I'm going off on one of my nutty spells. That's why I'm surprised she hasn't given up and left. But she's stubborn; maybe even more stubborn than I am. ] So I guess that means I should ditch the suit. It wasn't really my style anyway.