[ Where indeed? That's a good question, a question Alan doesn't have the answer to. When he washes away, it feels as though he's somewhere a million miles away; it's an out-of-body experience, in a way. He's not aware of anything but a feeling of detachment. Emptiness. Maybe even being hollowed out. Losing himself. He's somewhere but nowhere at the same time, as little sense as that probably makes. And every time that it happens, a fear creeps in the back of his mind that maybe this will be the last time. He won't come back when the waves roll back in. He'll just be gone.
He'd be lying if he said that he didn't fear that happening more than most anything else. Well, except for losing Jesse. Alice. Barry. Tim. People who have been there for him along the way, in their own ways, whether they're still there or not.
He's still leaning against her, into her, but he's trying to conjure up the strength and the will to stand on his own without support. I've been doing that all this time, except for the times when I can't. I can't let those times keep happening. I have to be able to stand on my own, even if my own mind doubts that I can.
Where her hands rest against his shoulders, he feels tingles beneath his skin, small explosions reacting to her touch. Take strength from knowing she's here. She's with you. Stand up. Stand on your own.
It takes a monumental effort on his part, and all of him seems to tremble even as he squares his shoulders and tries to straighten up from leaning against her. I know she can't keep this up. There's too much darkness here and not enough light. How much of the darkness is coming from me now? There's more darkness in me than there is light. That has to be why I couldn't hear them. Couldn't feel. ]
Hey. [ His voice stutters a little bit then, mostly unintentionally. If she's unsure of what to say, then so is he. His mind is reeling, not just from the constant push and pull of the waves, but from the realization that's slowly, gradually sinking in that she's here.
What does this mean? She promised she wouldn't go into the lake. She- she knows what that means. She knows I never want her going there. How is she here if she didn't enter the lake?
He's not angry, not upset, just confused. Lost and confused and worried. He hasn't gone unfocused, not again, but a faraway look clears away as his gray eyes lock on hers once more. She's apologizing. Why? How long has it been? ]
I wouldn't have called you if- if I didn't... [ Didn't what? Need her? Miss her? Maybe I shouldn't have called her. I would have just kept on drowning, and then what? Scratch wins? Impossible. I HAD to call her.
A shaky breath escapes him as he tries to give voice to what's going on inside his head and what's going on with him. ]
You're here. I can feel you. Hear you. But- [ It's like I'm hearing them from behind a wall. The walls of this room? Or the waves drowning them out? ] I can hear you, but it's quiet. Weak. Because of the distance? Are you here, or are you there, where you belong? If you're here, I shouldn't be happy about it, because it's not safe. You're not safe here.
[ I can't hear them over the sound of my own voice. It's not the waves. It's me. But I need to know. ]
Jesse. [ His voice is stronger then; not louder, just stronger, sounding more like himself for a brief moment. ] Are you here?
[ If she says yes, he'll worry. He can't not worry about her falling into the clutches of the Dark Place. If she says no, he'll still worry, but less than he would if she told him she found a way to join him here. ]
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He'd be lying if he said that he didn't fear that happening more than most anything else. Well, except for losing Jesse. Alice. Barry. Tim. People who have been there for him along the way, in their own ways, whether they're still there or not.
He's still leaning against her, into her, but he's trying to conjure up the strength and the will to stand on his own without support. I've been doing that all this time, except for the times when I can't. I can't let those times keep happening. I have to be able to stand on my own, even if my own mind doubts that I can.
Where her hands rest against his shoulders, he feels tingles beneath his skin, small explosions reacting to her touch. Take strength from knowing she's here. She's with you. Stand up. Stand on your own.
It takes a monumental effort on his part, and all of him seems to tremble even as he squares his shoulders and tries to straighten up from leaning against her. I know she can't keep this up. There's too much darkness here and not enough light. How much of the darkness is coming from me now? There's more darkness in me than there is light. That has to be why I couldn't hear them. Couldn't feel. ]
Hey. [ His voice stutters a little bit then, mostly unintentionally. If she's unsure of what to say, then so is he. His mind is reeling, not just from the constant push and pull of the waves, but from the realization that's slowly, gradually sinking in that she's here.
What does this mean? She promised she wouldn't go into the lake. She- she knows what that means. She knows I never want her going there. How is she here if she didn't enter the lake?
He's not angry, not upset, just confused. Lost and confused and worried. He hasn't gone unfocused, not again, but a faraway look clears away as his gray eyes lock on hers once more. She's apologizing. Why? How long has it been? ]
I wouldn't have called you if- if I didn't... [ Didn't what? Need her? Miss her? Maybe I shouldn't have called her. I would have just kept on drowning, and then what? Scratch wins? Impossible. I HAD to call her.
A shaky breath escapes him as he tries to give voice to what's going on inside his head and what's going on with him. ]
You're here. I can feel you. Hear you. But- [ It's like I'm hearing them from behind a wall. The walls of this room? Or the waves drowning them out? ] I can hear you, but it's quiet. Weak. Because of the distance? Are you here, or are you there, where you belong? If you're here, I shouldn't be happy about it, because it's not safe. You're not safe here.
[ I can't hear them over the sound of my own voice. It's not the waves. It's me. But I need to know. ]
Jesse. [ His voice is stronger then; not louder, just stronger, sounding more like himself for a brief moment. ] Are you here?
[ If she says yes, he'll worry. He can't not worry about her falling into the clutches of the Dark Place. If she says no, he'll still worry, but less than he would if she told him she found a way to join him here. ]