[ Maybe one day, even if it's one day in the far off future, Alan will be awake and can stay awake. Even he's grown tired of being pulled away and swept back in by waves much bigger and stronger than him. That exhaustion shows itself in the way he leans fully against Jesse, as if all his strength has fled from him.
This is how it is down here, an endless cycle of writing, pacing, talking in a flood of his own words until he loses the energy to pace and talk and the floor comes up to meet him again. Maybe he's in a loop even here in the Dark Place. Trapped. I'm trapped here. No way out.
But whatever's really going on, he keeps leaning against Jesse, but slowly, very slowly, he finds his strength slowly returning. The hand at her waist curls even further, and his other hand moves to her arm, using the contact to steady himself.
I can't forget this. Don't you fucking forget this. I promised her. I need to remember her. I need to remember us. If I lose us, I lose everything. No, not everything, but it feels like it's everything. How can I keep going if I forget?
Alan's back to talking, but this time, he hasn't drifted. His words are in his head again, not out loud: a note to himself. An admonition. A warning that doesn't hold much weight, not when his memories can get ripped away when he isn't looking.
But he's still with Jesse, still looking at her, drinking her in. He could look at her forever, if only he had the time. ]
Yes. Yes, like you. You and your hair like fire. [ His hand rises to touch that hair even as he speaks. ] No, it's you. It's always been you: the hero, the lifeline. You followed the call. Investigations Sector.
[ No, not that call. Polaris's transmissions have woken up old memories, the memories of the first calls he made to Jesse. They're not what he wants to talk about. He shakes his head and tries again.
｟ Alan. Alan, wake up. ｠ ]
I'm trying. I'm trying to wake up. [ It's hard to wake up when the sun never shines. But who needs sun when you have a fire? A fire and a star. ]
Hi. [ His smile is still in place, but the warmth he feels from seeing her smile makes his own grow even bigger. ] Hi, Jesse.
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This is how it is down here, an endless cycle of writing, pacing, talking in a flood of his own words until he loses the energy to pace and talk and the floor comes up to meet him again. Maybe he's in a loop even here in the Dark Place. Trapped. I'm trapped here. No way out.
But whatever's really going on, he keeps leaning against Jesse, but slowly, very slowly, he finds his strength slowly returning. The hand at her waist curls even further, and his other hand moves to her arm, using the contact to steady himself.
I can't forget this. Don't you fucking forget this. I promised her. I need to remember her. I need to remember us. If I lose us, I lose everything. No, not everything, but it feels like it's everything. How can I keep going if I forget?
Alan's back to talking, but this time, he hasn't drifted. His words are in his head again, not out loud: a note to himself. An admonition. A warning that doesn't hold much weight, not when his memories can get ripped away when he isn't looking.
But he's still with Jesse, still looking at her, drinking her in. He could look at her forever, if only he had the time. ]
Yes. Yes, like you. You and your hair like fire. [ His hand rises to touch that hair even as he speaks. ] No, it's you. It's always been you: the hero, the lifeline. You followed the call. Investigations Sector.
[ No, not that call. Polaris's transmissions have woken up old memories, the memories of the first calls he made to Jesse. They're not what he wants to talk about. He shakes his head and tries again.
｟ Alan. Alan, wake up. ｠ ]
I'm trying. I'm trying to wake up. [ It's hard to wake up when the sun never shines. But who needs sun when you have a fire? A fire and a star. ]
Hi. [ His smile is still in place, but the warmth he feels from seeing her smile makes his own grow even bigger. ] Hi, Jesse.