Not like this? [ Alan frowns too as he watches the way Jesse's eyes scan around the room, settling on random objects and things as she seems to think.
What is she thinking? Alan can venture guesses, but while he can sometimes manage to read Jesse and her body language, there are other times when he hasn't a clue. His mind that is always far too active is spinning into overdrive, wondering what might be going through her head. Does she blame him somehow? Saga wanted to find him, but she went for Jesse first. That unwanted, unasked for intrusion is what set all of this off.
Is this my fault? He sighs in relief, at least a little, when Jesse quickly silences his worries about how it might have felt when he reached out to her, when she received his transmissions through the Hotline. If there had even been a chance that he caused harm to her and Polaris through those messages, well- he'd find it even harder to live with himself.
As it is, fear has Alan in its clutches again. Fear because of a memory that's surfaced, even though it's fragmented and vague and he's only seeing pieces of it. They died. The... the Board? They killed them. Why did it kill both of them? I don't- I can't remember. All I remember is changing it. I had to change it, to keep my promise. You can't keep a promise to someone if they're dead. Shit.
Instinctively, automatically, he responds to Jesse's tightening hold on his hand. She's alive, and he doesn't need to slip beneath the waves, not now. Everything's all right, or it will be. Until the next horror arises. But for now, for however long they have, they're all right. Safe. Together. It's enough.
But Jesse speaks again, and Alan's focus pulls immediately back to her. ]
No, they wouldn't be, but maybe you wouldn't be caught up in this mess. Maybe you'd be safe. Safer than you are here. I know this is my fault. I'm trying to fix it. [ The words sound automatic, like he's saying them by rote memorization. Maybe he is. People like Saga seem to keep coming at him demanding he fix what he's done. He's trying. He's trying as hard as he can.
But he silences again as she goes on talking. Talking about something that seems to have been from her past, but maybe not the too distant past? It's hard to tell. ]
The Hiss... The Hiss. [ A thought or a memory rises in Alan's mind then, and words form unbidden: You came and we let you in through the hole in you. A poem. Words from a shoebox. A chant, or something like it. ]
They got in. Or they already were in. [ Alan feels his expression shifting, a look of horror taking his face. How many times has he worn a look like that? It might as well be his face at this point. Is everything everywhere just a horror story? Is that all the world is, whether inside reality or out of it? Or in a different reality, in Alan's case?
I thought that maybe there was a chance that the world was going on normally outside the Dark Place. The world keeps turning, people keep going to work, having families, living their lives. Was I wrong? There's always an undercurrent of horror. Evil, dark forces always working where people can't see them, unless they know to look. And most people don't know to look. Is that good or bad?
... I was wrong.
The egg cracks and the truth will emerge out of you. You are home.
Alan feels Jesse's hand begin to shake and that feeling is what pulls him out of his thoughts, away from the horror that's seemingly washing over him again. His fingers curl against hers, tightening against them, hoping his touch reassures her in return. It might be a meaningless gesture when stacked against something as horrifying as the Hiss, but he does it anyway. ]
I didn't- I didn't know. [ And now that he does, he can't forget it. Doesn't want to forget it, even if the thought of it makes him want to run screaming. There's no running, not anymore. Not for him. There's only staying and fighting back. That's the only way to move forward, to grasp that ending that they're all striving for, whether they realize it or not. ]
I didn't know how bad it was. How bad it is.
[ He pauses. ]
The darkness really is everywhere, isn't it? [ It's not just the Dark Place. Not just the Dark Presence. And for the first time, Alan's realizing just how high the odds are stacked against all of them. It might seem like useless nuance, but they're all in this fight now, not just him. Would Jesse, Saga, the FBC, and everyone else who's been roped in be involved if not for him? It's hard for him to tell. But they're in, they're involved, and he has to keep fighting to one day put an end to all of this. ]
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What is she thinking? Alan can venture guesses, but while he can sometimes manage to read Jesse and her body language, there are other times when he hasn't a clue. His mind that is always far too active is spinning into overdrive, wondering what might be going through her head. Does she blame him somehow? Saga wanted to find him, but she went for Jesse first. That unwanted, unasked for intrusion is what set all of this off.
Is this my fault? He sighs in relief, at least a little, when Jesse quickly silences his worries about how it might have felt when he reached out to her, when she received his transmissions through the Hotline. If there had even been a chance that he caused harm to her and Polaris through those messages, well- he'd find it even harder to live with himself.
As it is, fear has Alan in its clutches again. Fear because of a memory that's surfaced, even though it's fragmented and vague and he's only seeing pieces of it. They died. The... the Board? They killed them. Why did it kill both of them? I don't- I can't remember. All I remember is changing it. I had to change it, to keep my promise. You can't keep a promise to someone if they're dead. Shit.
Instinctively, automatically, he responds to Jesse's tightening hold on his hand. She's alive, and he doesn't need to slip beneath the waves, not now. Everything's all right, or it will be. Until the next horror arises. But for now, for however long they have, they're all right. Safe. Together. It's enough.
But Jesse speaks again, and Alan's focus pulls immediately back to her. ]
No, they wouldn't be, but maybe you wouldn't be caught up in this mess. Maybe you'd be safe. Safer than you are here. I know this is my fault. I'm trying to fix it. [ The words sound automatic, like he's saying them by rote memorization. Maybe he is. People like Saga seem to keep coming at him demanding he fix what he's done. He's trying. He's trying as hard as he can.
But he silences again as she goes on talking. Talking about something that seems to have been from her past, but maybe not the too distant past? It's hard to tell. ]
The Hiss... The Hiss. [ A thought or a memory rises in Alan's mind then, and words form unbidden: You came and we let you in through the hole in you. A poem. Words from a shoebox. A chant, or something like it. ]
They got in. Or they already were in. [ Alan feels his expression shifting, a look of horror taking his face. How many times has he worn a look like that? It might as well be his face at this point. Is everything everywhere just a horror story? Is that all the world is, whether inside reality or out of it? Or in a different reality, in Alan's case?
I thought that maybe there was a chance that the world was going on normally outside the Dark Place. The world keeps turning, people keep going to work, having families, living their lives. Was I wrong? There's always an undercurrent of horror. Evil, dark forces always working where people can't see them, unless they know to look. And most people don't know to look. Is that good or bad?
... I was wrong.
The egg cracks and the truth will emerge out of you. You are home.
Alan feels Jesse's hand begin to shake and that feeling is what pulls him out of his thoughts, away from the horror that's seemingly washing over him again. His fingers curl against hers, tightening against them, hoping his touch reassures her in return. It might be a meaningless gesture when stacked against something as horrifying as the Hiss, but he does it anyway. ]
I didn't- I didn't know. [ And now that he does, he can't forget it. Doesn't want to forget it, even if the thought of it makes him want to run screaming. There's no running, not anymore. Not for him. There's only staying and fighting back. That's the only way to move forward, to grasp that ending that they're all striving for, whether they realize it or not. ]
I didn't know how bad it was. How bad it is.
[ He pauses. ]
The darkness really is everywhere, isn't it? [ It's not just the Dark Place. Not just the Dark Presence. And for the first time, Alan's realizing just how high the odds are stacked against all of them. It might seem like useless nuance, but they're all in this fight now, not just him. Would Jesse, Saga, the FBC, and everyone else who's been roped in be involved if not for him? It's hard for him to tell. But they're in, they're involved, and he has to keep fighting to one day put an end to all of this. ]