No. I mean... at least, not like this. [ Jesse frowns and glances down again, eyes seemingly scanning things at random as she thinks.
Should she tell him? What will his reaction be? Will he just find a way to blame himself? It wasn't his fault. Not even this is his fault. But, somehow, Alan finds a way to blame himself for everything wrong around him. Why? Did someone always tell him that? Or, is it because of the Dark Place? Has it wormed into his mind so much he thinks he's screwed up everything?
He almost screwed up with them. Almost. He's fixed it now, so in her mind, he's redeemed it. Made good on his promise. Proven she can trust him even with something that deeply important to her. Maybe he doesn't remember the conversation about Ordinary and what happened to her--but he remembered them. That's what matters the most at the moment.
« Saga. So, it was Anderson. Why? What was she... is it just because I wouldn't tell her where Alan is? She's that unhinged? » ]
No, it didn't. [ Her answer is immediate to his question. ] Polaris didn't do anything to stop it or reject it. It was just... like any other Hotline message. With the extra tug of reality. Maybe strained and feeling far away, but, I figured that was because of the Dark Place.
[ He begins to shake and her hand immediately tightens around his. Just in case he starts to dip below the waves. So, that was what he changed. That exact moment in time. Something really would have happened--something terrible. Maybe it was Saga that would have died. Maybe it was her. Maybe both? Whatever the outcome would have been, she can tell it truly did frighten Alan.
How many things has he seen in the Dark Place that he'll never describe? ]
Would things be any better if I wasn't here? [ Jesse shakes her head slightly. Maybe it's her own self-indulgence, but, she feels things would be much, much worse. ] It's fine, Alan. Somethings are worth seeing the nightmares in the world.
[ Her gaze drops to their entwined hands. She likes it--more than she should. She never thought there'd be someone she could connect to like this. It was a thought and a dream at one point. Finding someone she could be herself with. Not that it ever lasted long... until the point she just gave up. Dylan was more important; finding him was consuming. What else did she have in her life?
Now she has the Bureau. Purpose, direction, Polaris with her. And... Alan, if he'd accept the notion. ]
Like the sound of poison gas leaking in. Invading, hissing.
[ She blinks a few times at the memory of it happening. It had to happen. Hedron couldn't keep the Hiss at bay--not the way Jesse could. That still doesn't remove the trauma of it all. The horror of losing herself beneath waves and waves of thoughts and feelings. Having parts of her pulled up and dissolving in order to make her one of them. ]
There was ... a point when the Hiss overwhelmed everything in the Oldest House. They killed something called Hedron. The... she was what I am for Polaris now. When she died... it all came crashing down. The Hiss spread everywhere, into everyone. [ « Even me. » ] It was horror. Making you succumb to it's insistent, unstoppable, tune that you couldn't get out of your head. Forcing you to break--making you one of them. Going around, and around, and around in your own head... turning your worst parts of yourself into you... until it seemed like they were the better option. That being part of them made you feel free and home.
[ Her jaw sets to the side as her own hand shakes then. ]
Whatever Anderson was trying to do that set off Polaris and the Board? It hurt. But it was nothing like that hell.
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Should she tell him? What will his reaction be? Will he just find a way to blame himself? It wasn't his fault. Not even this is his fault. But, somehow, Alan finds a way to blame himself for everything wrong around him. Why? Did someone always tell him that? Or, is it because of the Dark Place? Has it wormed into his mind so much he thinks he's screwed up everything?
He almost screwed up with them. Almost. He's fixed it now, so in her mind, he's redeemed it. Made good on his promise. Proven she can trust him even with something that deeply important to her. Maybe he doesn't remember the conversation about Ordinary and what happened to her--but he remembered them. That's what matters the most at the moment.
« Saga. So, it was Anderson. Why? What was she... is it just because I wouldn't tell her where Alan is? She's that unhinged? » ]
No, it didn't. [ Her answer is immediate to his question. ] Polaris didn't do anything to stop it or reject it. It was just... like any other Hotline message. With the extra tug of reality. Maybe strained and feeling far away, but, I figured that was because of the Dark Place.
[ He begins to shake and her hand immediately tightens around his. Just in case he starts to dip below the waves. So, that was what he changed. That exact moment in time. Something really would have happened--something terrible. Maybe it was Saga that would have died. Maybe it was her. Maybe both? Whatever the outcome would have been, she can tell it truly did frighten Alan.
How many things has he seen in the Dark Place that he'll never describe? ]
Would things be any better if I wasn't here? [ Jesse shakes her head slightly. Maybe it's her own self-indulgence, but, she feels things would be much, much worse. ] It's fine, Alan. Somethings are worth seeing the nightmares in the world.
[ Her gaze drops to their entwined hands. She likes it--more than she should. She never thought there'd be someone she could connect to like this. It was a thought and a dream at one point. Finding someone she could be herself with. Not that it ever lasted long... until the point she just gave up. Dylan was more important; finding him was consuming. What else did she have in her life?
Now she has the Bureau. Purpose, direction, Polaris with her. And... Alan, if he'd accept the notion. ]
Like the sound of poison gas leaking in. Invading, hissing.
[ She blinks a few times at the memory of it happening. It had to happen. Hedron couldn't keep the Hiss at bay--not the way Jesse could. That still doesn't remove the trauma of it all. The horror of losing herself beneath waves and waves of thoughts and feelings. Having parts of her pulled up and dissolving in order to make her one of them. ]
There was ... a point when the Hiss overwhelmed everything in the Oldest House. They killed something called Hedron. The... she was what I am for Polaris now. When she died... it all came crashing down. The Hiss spread everywhere, into everyone. [ « Even me. » ] It was horror. Making you succumb to it's insistent, unstoppable, tune that you couldn't get out of your head. Forcing you to break--making you one of them. Going around, and around, and around in your own head... turning your worst parts of yourself into you... until it seemed like they were the better option. That being part of them made you feel free and home.
[ Her jaw sets to the side as her own hand shakes then. ]
Whatever Anderson was trying to do that set off Polaris and the Board? It hurt. But it was nothing like that hell.