[ Alan's mind is spinning with fearful thoughts and the horrible feeling that once again, everything is his fault. Again? It's always been his fault. The story is terrible, and it's dragged in so many people along the way- no, he dragged them all in. Used them. Even killed some of them. Too many of them, if he's being honest.
Whatever's going on with Jesse, it feels to Alan as though it's his fault. Somehow, whatever happened is because of him. Because of something he wrote. Or did Scratch write it and he edited it? Does it even matter, if people still get hurt even with his edits?
But before he can spiral away too far, even as he tries to do what he can to feel as though he's doing more than causing harm, Estevez addresses him, and he focuses back on her. ]
Yeah. Yeah, I'll tell you- [ He freezes and cuts himself off midsentence when he feels Jesse's hand on his arm. Fear still has Alan in its grasp, but he feels just the smallest amount of relief when he sees her move and feels her touch. He was afraid that he was going to lose her again. Maybe permanently this time. He can't unwrite death. That's the one reality he can't change.
For just a second, Alan lowers his head forward and closes his eyes as he tries to push down that fear that's still holding onto him. She's alive. She's not dead. Not dying. You didn't kill her. You DIDN'T kill her.
A second later, he opens his eyes again and his gaze locks in on Jesse's in return. She's alive. She's ALIVE. The words keep repeating in his mind like a mantra to keep the fear from getting worse. Except it's not really working, as Alan still feels terrified.
He doesn't look away, not even for a second, even as he follows the orders Samuels gives him and Estevez. He just watches as Samuels does his examination, and listens as he relays his conclusions about Jesse's condition. It doesn't sound good, but it's not completely hopeless either. And all Alan knows is that he intends to take care of her as best as he can.
Then Estevez is making her announcement about what she intends to do, which is to take charge while Jesse is down for the moment. She asks Alan a question, and he nods immediately. ]
I'll do it. I'll watch over her. [ It's the least I can do, after everything. ] I'll make sure she rests.
[ I'll do whatever I have to, until she can get back on her feet. He looks back at Estevez with the most determined look he can manage. And considering the strange mixed up combination of guilt and fear and the need to make up for all the harm he's caused, Alan's expression is very determined indeed. He can't explain it, but he feels as though he has something to prove: to Estevez, to the other FBC agents, to himself... He can't prove anything if he lets his fear pull him down.
Jesse needs him to be himself, to be awake, and it's that thought, more than anything else, that pulls him out of his spiraling thoughts. ]
So, the motel, right?
[ It better be safe. At least, as safe as it's possible to be. How far away is it? How will I reach them if I need to? How- Stop. Stop overthinking. They have this under control. I think.
Alan's gaze shifts back to look at Jesse where she's at on the floor. He might not be confident in very much, but he knows one thing one thing: he has to keep it together or he won't be any use to Jesse at all. I will keep it together. I have to. ]
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Whatever's going on with Jesse, it feels to Alan as though it's his fault. Somehow, whatever happened is because of him. Because of something he wrote. Or did Scratch write it and he edited it? Does it even matter, if people still get hurt even with his edits?
But before he can spiral away too far, even as he tries to do what he can to feel as though he's doing more than causing harm, Estevez addresses him, and he focuses back on her. ]
Yeah. Yeah, I'll tell you- [ He freezes and cuts himself off midsentence when he feels Jesse's hand on his arm. Fear still has Alan in its grasp, but he feels just the smallest amount of relief when he sees her move and feels her touch. He was afraid that he was going to lose her again. Maybe permanently this time. He can't unwrite death. That's the one reality he can't change.
For just a second, Alan lowers his head forward and closes his eyes as he tries to push down that fear that's still holding onto him. She's alive. She's not dead. Not dying. You didn't kill her. You DIDN'T kill her.
A second later, he opens his eyes again and his gaze locks in on Jesse's in return. She's alive. She's ALIVE. The words keep repeating in his mind like a mantra to keep the fear from getting worse. Except it's not really working, as Alan still feels terrified.
He doesn't look away, not even for a second, even as he follows the orders Samuels gives him and Estevez. He just watches as Samuels does his examination, and listens as he relays his conclusions about Jesse's condition. It doesn't sound good, but it's not completely hopeless either. And all Alan knows is that he intends to take care of her as best as he can.
Then Estevez is making her announcement about what she intends to do, which is to take charge while Jesse is down for the moment. She asks Alan a question, and he nods immediately. ]
I'll do it. I'll watch over her. [ It's the least I can do, after everything. ] I'll make sure she rests.
[ I'll do whatever I have to, until she can get back on her feet. He looks back at Estevez with the most determined look he can manage. And considering the strange mixed up combination of guilt and fear and the need to make up for all the harm he's caused, Alan's expression is very determined indeed. He can't explain it, but he feels as though he has something to prove: to Estevez, to the other FBC agents, to himself... He can't prove anything if he lets his fear pull him down.
Jesse needs him to be himself, to be awake, and it's that thought, more than anything else, that pulls him out of his spiraling thoughts. ]
So, the motel, right?
[ It better be safe. At least, as safe as it's possible to be. How far away is it? How will I reach them if I need to? How- Stop. Stop overthinking. They have this under control. I think.
Alan's gaze shifts back to look at Jesse where she's at on the floor. He might not be confident in very much, but he knows one thing one thing: he has to keep it together or he won't be any use to Jesse at all. I will keep it together. I have to. ]