[ Fear. Horror. Fear piled on top of fear. Desperation. That's all that Alan's known since this loop began and snowballed into the mess that it is now. Cultists dead. Deer heads covered in blood. Scratch laughing in the distance. Casey missing. Saga- Where did she go? And above all of that, a fear for the safety of a pair of agents. Yes, Alan felt afraid when he didn't see Steve and Jesse anywhere. He felt near panic when he thought that he might not see them this time, for any number of reasons. And clamoring loudly beneath all of that was a fear that Jesse was gone.
Gone from the story, despite his efforts to write her back in. Or just... gone. Dead. Out of his reach forever, never to return. I promised. I promised I'd put us back in. Jesse, I promised.
But Jesse's here, she's alive and talking to him, and arguing with the men in the cell beside his. She's alive, but even as she slides the cuffs onto his wrists that weigh him down and make him feel like he's being pulled down once more, and even as she guides him down the hall and eventually removes the cuffs, he knows he won't believe it until he can touch her himself.
But before he can do that, as he sits on the couch in front of her, he draws his arms back in, wrapping themselves around his torso in what looks like a protective posture. But the truth is, everything aches. His body aches, and even though the cuffs around his wrists are gone, his arms ache too now.
Still, even though everything seems to be protesting and hurting all at once, a great weight has fallen from Alan's shoulders. Jesse's alive. She's here, and as safe as it's possible to be in the middle of this neverending nightmare. She's not dead; he didn't fail to keep his promise. Never mind that Jesse being dead wouldn't mean Alan didn't live up to his word. But if she had died, he would have seen it that way, and nothing would make him change his mind.
He's done so much that brought harm to others, and if the words of Ilmo and Jaakko are anything to go by, he's fucked things up. A lot. But if there's one thing he hasn't done, it's get her killed again. She's not safe, not yet. None of them are. But Alan knows now that he would do just about anything (short of writing her out of the story, since that would be breaking his promise) to keep her alive.
But enough of that; he's been lost in his own head for long enough. Jesse's here and he wants to talk to her. He wants to hear her voice again. It takes a monumental effort to pull himself out of his thoughts, but he manages it eventually. ]
It has. It's been too long. [ And too much has happened. He unwinds one arm from around himself to pinch the flannel again, pinching his wrist beneath the fabric. He needs to stay grounded, or this conversation won't be a conversation.
He startles a bit when he sees her move, shifting until she's sitting upright. Sudden movements make him jumpy, but he manages to start breathing again when he realizes it's still her, not a Taken. He doesn't want to think about her and the Taken in the same sentence. ]
The- The Director likes reports, right? Or should like them. I- I have other answers. New ones. [ Ones I hate. Ones she should hate. But she should know them, shouldn't she? He doesn't want to talk about them. He doesn't want to report what's happened in this loop. He just wants to talk, like she does. Talk, and hold her hand, and be together before the horror story tears them apart again. Because it will. It's hungry. Wild. Angry, even. And there's only so much Alan can do to fight that. ]
What- What did you want to talk about? [ His grey eyes search to meet her green ones, but her gaze is turned downwards and he can't connect with it. I don't want to lose her again. I hope that I haven't lost her. ]
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Gone from the story, despite his efforts to write her back in. Or just... gone. Dead. Out of his reach forever, never to return. I promised. I promised I'd put us back in. Jesse, I promised.
But Jesse's here, she's alive and talking to him, and arguing with the men in the cell beside his. She's alive, but even as she slides the cuffs onto his wrists that weigh him down and make him feel like he's being pulled down once more, and even as she guides him down the hall and eventually removes the cuffs, he knows he won't believe it until he can touch her himself.
But before he can do that, as he sits on the couch in front of her, he draws his arms back in, wrapping themselves around his torso in what looks like a protective posture. But the truth is, everything aches. His body aches, and even though the cuffs around his wrists are gone, his arms ache too now.
Still, even though everything seems to be protesting and hurting all at once, a great weight has fallen from Alan's shoulders. Jesse's alive. She's here, and as safe as it's possible to be in the middle of this neverending nightmare. She's not dead; he didn't fail to keep his promise. Never mind that Jesse being dead wouldn't mean Alan didn't live up to his word. But if she had died, he would have seen it that way, and nothing would make him change his mind.
He's done so much that brought harm to others, and if the words of Ilmo and Jaakko are anything to go by, he's fucked things up. A lot. But if there's one thing he hasn't done, it's get her killed again. She's not safe, not yet. None of them are. But Alan knows now that he would do just about anything (short of writing her out of the story, since that would be breaking his promise) to keep her alive.
But enough of that; he's been lost in his own head for long enough. Jesse's here and he wants to talk to her. He wants to hear her voice again. It takes a monumental effort to pull himself out of his thoughts, but he manages it eventually. ]
It has. It's been too long. [ And too much has happened. He unwinds one arm from around himself to pinch the flannel again, pinching his wrist beneath the fabric. He needs to stay grounded, or this conversation won't be a conversation.
He startles a bit when he sees her move, shifting until she's sitting upright. Sudden movements make him jumpy, but he manages to start breathing again when he realizes it's still her, not a Taken. He doesn't want to think about her and the Taken in the same sentence. ]
The- The Director likes reports, right? Or should like them. I- I have other answers. New ones. [ Ones I hate. Ones she should hate. But she should know them, shouldn't she? He doesn't want to talk about them. He doesn't want to report what's happened in this loop. He just wants to talk, like she does. Talk, and hold her hand, and be together before the horror story tears them apart again. Because it will. It's hungry. Wild. Angry, even. And there's only so much Alan can do to fight that. ]
What- What did you want to talk about? [ His grey eyes search to meet her green ones, but her gaze is turned downwards and he can't connect with it. I don't want to lose her again. I hope that I haven't lost her. ]