[ What a sorry sight he must be, with the rat still in his hand and flecks of blood on his mouth and hands as well. Even sorrier still, he knows he must look entirely disheartened and defeated, because in so many ways, that is how he feels. Oh, he will pick himself back up when new orders come, but there is a part of him that would withdraw from serving as a Temple Knight simply because he feels unfit to be one. Estinien would certainly frown and express his opinion on such an act, decrying it as lunacy, but maybe he is just doomed to exist in a constant state of lunacy: neither belonging to this world or that of the voidsent.
But all his thoughts seem to stop when she takes the rat from him and sets to work cleaning him up. How disgraceful has he become if he cannot even manage to clean himself up properly? Of course he knows that she does what she does out of love, but it all feeds back into feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness on his part. He must appear entirely hopeless and useless, being unable to care for himself as anyone with half a brain would.
Still, he finds he cannot conjure up the will to do more than simply rest against her when she pulls him in. For just a moment, his eyes slide closed and he allows himself to do nothing but take in the feeling of being held by another. How long as it been since he felt anything like this? He cannot recall.
But after a moment, she begins to speak, and as the meaning of her words washes over him, he feels his emotions begin to run away from him. First he feels anger at those who attacked unprovoked, and then as she goes on to speak of everyone she knows falling at the hands of voidsent, sadness takes its place. He already believes the world to be a sad place with very little to be happy about, but Alkaid's words only further confirm that for him. The world is sad, and hard, and full of troubles and difficulties, and even those who have done no wrong find themselves being hurt.
In his mind, he is convinced that Alkaid is an innocent who did not deserve what happened to her. But he cannot find the same forgiveness for himself, even though he did not ask to be turned, nor did he seek out danger or threats. There is nothing to suggest that he is reaping what he has sown, but he feels as though this is his lot in life.
He lets her rock him, even as the feeling of embarrassment grows, threatening to disturb the small amount of comfort and ease that is slowly taking hold. ]
I am a monster. I have not killed, nor will I, but I am- I'm... [ A disgrace. A thing that should not be seen, and certainly not loved. But how does he explain the need he has to be loved and to love in return? If he is incapable of being anything but a monster, why does he have such a desire for both? His hands clench into fists as uncertainty washes over him. There are no answers to his questions, just as there has been no answer to explain why this happened to him. ]
Am I any better than those who came for your home, your friends, and your family? [ How easily he could become like them, a despicable being, if he abandoned his resolve to not feed on anyone or cause hurt to anyone except for himself. If he can spare others by shouldering his fate alone, then that is what he intends to do. Meeting Alkaid altered his plans, but he does not regret it, not even a little.
Now, if only he could learn how to open his heart and show her that he truly does love her. The way to do that is certainly not by refusing her aid and her care. Perhaps if he simply pushes aside his instincts to wall himself off from everyone and everything, he might be able to achieve that. Maybe allowing her to hold him like this is the first step. ]
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But all his thoughts seem to stop when she takes the rat from him and sets to work cleaning him up. How disgraceful has he become if he cannot even manage to clean himself up properly? Of course he knows that she does what she does out of love, but it all feeds back into feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness on his part. He must appear entirely hopeless and useless, being unable to care for himself as anyone with half a brain would.
Still, he finds he cannot conjure up the will to do more than simply rest against her when she pulls him in. For just a moment, his eyes slide closed and he allows himself to do nothing but take in the feeling of being held by another. How long as it been since he felt anything like this? He cannot recall.
But after a moment, she begins to speak, and as the meaning of her words washes over him, he feels his emotions begin to run away from him. First he feels anger at those who attacked unprovoked, and then as she goes on to speak of everyone she knows falling at the hands of voidsent, sadness takes its place. He already believes the world to be a sad place with very little to be happy about, but Alkaid's words only further confirm that for him. The world is sad, and hard, and full of troubles and difficulties, and even those who have done no wrong find themselves being hurt.
In his mind, he is convinced that Alkaid is an innocent who did not deserve what happened to her. But he cannot find the same forgiveness for himself, even though he did not ask to be turned, nor did he seek out danger or threats. There is nothing to suggest that he is reaping what he has sown, but he feels as though this is his lot in life.
He lets her rock him, even as the feeling of embarrassment grows, threatening to disturb the small amount of comfort and ease that is slowly taking hold. ]
I am a monster. I have not killed, nor will I, but I am- I'm... [ A disgrace. A thing that should not be seen, and certainly not loved. But how does he explain the need he has to be loved and to love in return? If he is incapable of being anything but a monster, why does he have such a desire for both? His hands clench into fists as uncertainty washes over him. There are no answers to his questions, just as there has been no answer to explain why this happened to him. ]
Am I any better than those who came for your home, your friends, and your family? [ How easily he could become like them, a despicable being, if he abandoned his resolve to not feed on anyone or cause hurt to anyone except for himself. If he can spare others by shouldering his fate alone, then that is what he intends to do. Meeting Alkaid altered his plans, but he does not regret it, not even a little.
Now, if only he could learn how to open his heart and show her that he truly does love her. The way to do that is certainly not by refusing her aid and her care. Perhaps if he simply pushes aside his instincts to wall himself off from everyone and everything, he might be able to achieve that. Maybe allowing her to hold him like this is the first step. ]