ᴇsᴛɪɴɪᴇɴ ᴠᴀʀʟɪɴᴇᴀᴜ. (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
dragonssung) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
synthneon2022-02-11 05:36 pm
dragonssung) wrote in synthneon2022-02-11 05:36 pm
Entry tags:
echoes of truth | ❝ tales of loss and fire and flame. ❞
Every word on our hearts engraved
In the dark you will not stray
Forge ahead, till the end, we pray
no subject
When he is with Alkaid, he feels loved and cared for, just as he did when he had both of his parents with him.
She presses a finger to his lips, but he had no intention of objecting or expressing doubts. Perhaps it is simply his state of mind after the ordeal both of them have been through, but he realizes he wishes for nothing more but to remain close to her.
When he can speak again, he says: ]
Anywhere that you are, that is where I want to be. To see places I have only read about excites me, yes, but my true desire is to simply be with you.
[ He is also content to just hold her and rest with her as peacefully as they can. In a way, it feels as though this peace has been every bit as hard-won as the one he sought to obtain for his people. He does not wish to ruin this moment, but he cannot ignore the fact that that peace is being threatened now, a thing that is intolerable.
But they will address the threat at another time. Right now is a time for them to rest and enjoy each other's company. He moves his free hand to lightly toy with her ear, gently fingering its tip and moving back and forth in light stroking motions. And whether or not they recover those ancient memories, there is no robbing from them the emotions and the memories they are creating with each moment they spend together. ]
no subject
Even in a room set aside for us, in a watch tower, facing the cold elements of Corethas?
[ The moment he touches her ear is when her whole body simply melts against his. Her eyes close and her ear twitches under his touch. The tension seems to almost roll off her, and she curls up into him--as a cat might. ]
... was there a time that I was only ever a useful healer to you?
[ There is a tinge of regret that strikes her once the words finish Tumbling from her mouth. Yet, she finds she must know. Were they words King Thordan placed into his mind to hurt her? Or, had he found something from Aymeric's past mindsets to weaponize against him? ]
no subject
At her question, he nods without hesitation. ]
Even if we were in a- in one of the coldest, draftiest rooms within Borel Manor. [ Despite his efforts and the efforts of the house staff, there is one such room that, while not neglected in any way, sees far less use than other rooms within the house. As for his hesitation and correction, he hopes that goes unnoticed as it was merely a slip of the tongue, or so he maintains.
When she curls up into him, a small smile takes his face, and with the hand that is not lightly fingering her ear, he drapes it over her, pulling her in just slightly to further offer her comfort and what warmth he can give.
But when her question comes, he pauses, an apprehensive yet worried look crossing his face instead. Why would she ask such a question? Unless... Unless it was something that he told her when he was not in control of himself, locked in an impossible fight against a much stronger force.
Regardless of when it was, there is only one answer that he can give. ]
I have never thought such a thing, Lantaa. There never was a time when such a thought crossed my mind, nor will there be, of that I am certain.
[ And after a moment's pause, he adds: ] I would ask who would have said such a thing to you, but I believe I know the answer. [ And he knows he does not like that answer at all. ]
no subject
[ Admittedly, she does not know every room in the Manor. It is something she realizes she needs to address if she is to be the lady of his house. She does not wish to change it by name means; simply being out what she knows is dormant in the walls. A strong sense of love and duty that wishes to embrace and protect all within its walls. A place that wishes to be a home, not simply a place to sleep and eat in. She glances up at him, wondering if she should do anything to help, or leave the Manor as it is.
Her eyes close as she curls more into his arms. She had the suspicion that it was perhaps how his tempered state was trying to rationalize the feelings he had towards her, but unable to understand it through the haze of primal influence. The fact he could recognize her as Lantaa at all should be enough. Yet, her wounded heart wishes to know... ]
I thought not. [ A frown comes to her face at his question. How should she say what needs to be said without hurting him more? ] ...He made you say it.
[ Meaning, of course, she does not blame him nor hold it to his person. ] There ... [ Alkaid pauses then and uncurls her hands from his back. She raises them to rest on either side of his face, but does not wish to stop him from stroking her ear. ] Aymeric. Please. Don't blame yourself for any of it. It was not you as you are entirely. You were there as much as you could be. You told me you were there, that you were fighting, and that you loved me even with King Thordan trying desperately to pull us apart for his own wishes.
no subject
There is. It would seem that no amount of additional carpets or wall hangings can improve it, so it seems to be simply part of the manor's construction. Unsurprisingly, perhaps, as it is hardly a new structure.
[ Still, it is part of the home, and so he has not neglected its upkeep in favor of other rooms that do not contain a draft. When she glances up at him, he gazes downwards at her, not even attempting to hide the love he has for her in his eyes. And when she curls in closer, he also wraps his arm around her more, hoping to provide her with all the comfort that she needs. ]
Ah. [ A shadow crosses his face then as he ponders this and all that it implies. ] What else did he- No, I will not make you recount it. I am certain that hearing it once was enough.
[ He is fully aware that she will not blame him or withhold her affections and her care from him because of anything he said or did while he was tempered, and yet he fears that whatever Thordan made him say still could cause irreparable damage to their relationship. Of course, he does not pull away from her as her hands slide into place on both sides of his face.
But was I fighting enough? The question springs to mind but he cannot bring himself to voice it. ] And yet I still provided him with the very fuel he needed to cause you hurt; perhaps not in that specific instance, but certainly in others. I imagine he had full access to my mind and to my memories and private thoughts, all of which he could certainly have used to wound you.
[ And he is certain that he did, which is something he will take full responsibility for even if he could have done nothing to stop it at the time. ]
no subject
Her hand raises to his chest so that her hand may gently move side to side in a comforting manner. She supposes they could never truly get around ignoring the events that took place while he was tempered. They would need to speak of it directly and address if anything had become irreparable. ]
I will see what I can do to help. [ Her ears tuck down slightly as a blush takes her cheeks. ] The upkeep of our home would fall under my duties... as your wife...
[ Alkaid shakes her head. ] No, I don't believe he did. You never called me things you call me while King Thordan attempted to pull you further under. [ She pauses. ] A-any time you said my name was when you were in as much control as you could be. B-but, you never referred to me by any name while he forced you to be his Lord Commander.
[ Her eyes close and her shoulders sink slightly. ] I... perhaps I am over hopeful or I misunderstand. I think that, no matter how hard the primal tried, parts of you could never truly be erased. You cared for Estinien and I's well-being despite the regressive state you would fall into while fighting for control. And... [ Alkaid's shoulders then curl forward as she tries to move more into his hold. ] ...a-nd even when you were forced to be his Lord Commander? You wanted me there--beside you. You wished me to join your forces, saying it was because of how skilled of a healer I am. I wondered... I-I hoped it was truly because even in that state, you would want me there, at your side, for you.
[ The ordeal is exhausting to recount, but he has need to hear it. He needs to know what he had done--what King Thordan forced him to do. If for nothing more than to quell the unending ideas his mind surely created. Her own mind goes back to the conversation they had in the cell in Limsa. Rather, the conversation that she had with him and King Thordan. The words bring the familiar hurt to her chest, but so does the feeling of being loved. It is not the feeling of companionship she feels from Ardbert, nor the love she feels returned by Aymeric. ]
We spoke of what I would want--what my terms of joining "your" side would be. I imagine it is not hard to guess even now.
no subject
Still, his shoulders curl in just slightly even as she touches his chest. Part of him feels as though he should not ask her to relive what must be difficult memories for her, but she is correct in thinking that he needs to hear it in order to properly process all of it. Even so, he feels no small amount of regret for causing her pain once more.
But on the subject of the family home, he cannot help but smile even through his swirling thoughts and lingering regret. ] I- I had hoped that, if you were willing, it might become a project that the two of us worked on together.
[ Somehow, he cannot shake the feeling that his parents would approve of this. They furnished the home and made it into a home, and he did his best to continue caring for it and adding a few small touches here and there, but he knew he did not wish to change what they had done while they were alive. But now... He realizes he wishes for him and Alkaid to add their own personal touches to the house, building on the legacy of his parents and their parents before them.
And as the conversation concerning what happened while he was tempered continues, he turns sober once more. Her words wash over him, and he hears and understands every word, but he finds crafting a response difficult. Fragments of memories seep into his thoughts, helped along by her descriptions, and as he tries to make sense of the scattered images and the emotions they are beginning to stir up, his hands clench together to form fists.
His recollections of what happened are not very clear at all, but he can bring to mind feeling as though everything that makes up the entirety of who he is down to his core beliefs and allegiances was turned into something unrecognizable. Oh, he knows now from what she has said that he fought back and parts of his true self still existed in spite of Thordan's efforts, and that heartens him more than he expected it would. He was present enough to still care about her and Estinien both, which is also more than he expected.
Even so, the weight of it all, combined with the knowledge about how much King Thordan tried to bury his true self and turn him into nothing more than his Lord Commander, rests heavily on his shoulders.
His gaze turns to meet hers once more and he tries to venture a guess about what her terms were. But in his state of mind that is bordering on spiraling out of even his control, he finds he cannot. ]
I ought to be able to guess- nay, know what terms you presented, but I... I find myself being presently unable to. [ Despite his best attempts to keep his voice level so that it would not warble, it does shake a bit as he speaks those last several words as the upset he feels threatens to break through his carefully crafted attempt at remaining calm. ] I imagine that whatever your terms were, they were not well-received by King Thordan.
no subject
[ His hands ball into fists and she gently nudges his jaw with her nose. Her head tilts so she might brush her cheek to the side of his neck. She cannot begin to imagine what he must be feeling, but she can understand the fear of losing oneself. She feared the same when she and K'thisru became Lightwardens. Yet, the Echo seemed to protect them. Nothing was there to protect her beloved Aymeric. He was at the mercy of a primal of his father's creating. One that knew the exact point in which to throttle and control him by.
Her mind travels back over the conversation to find what else she might tell him. A correction comes to to mind. He had called her "Alkaid" once, then a partial of that name. Perhaps in that moment she was more than a Warrior of Light. But, she wonders how much good she did for him in the end. He was in so much pain because of her.
His statement brings a small smile to her face. Of course, she thought not. She raises her hand from his chest back to his face, hands then moving to hold it as she had when he was chained to the wall.
"Can you find the satisfaction you seek, knowing that the person I was is no more? "
Alkaid shifts then, moving forward to press her lips to his. She kisses him the same as she had in the cell with the gesture being her answer beyond just obvious puzzle pieces coming together.
All she desires is him and wishes to be at his side. ]
no subject
And suddenly, now that his thoughts have strayed towards thinking of home and how he envisions them working together to fix the place up, he realizes just how much he misses it. There is much still to be done before they can return there together, but he cannot stop himself from longing to be there with her.
Not for the first time, words seem to fail him and when she brushes her cheek against his neck, he leans into her touch once more, unconsciously seeking her comfort.
The memories of what happened while he was tempered may very well still exist somewhere in the depths of Aymeric's mind, but all he feels when she holds his face and presses that kiss to his lips is a feeling of being loved and having all the love in the world for her.
Finally, he speaks, and his voice is heavy with churning emotions and the love he holds for her. The look in his eyes softens and a small smile crosses his face as he surveys her. ]
Please, allow me to ask you just one more time: what could I have possibly done to deserve you and all that you offer me, Lantaa?
no subject
Her nose runs along his, fingers gently brushing across his cheeks as they do normally. The joy once again sparkles in her eyes despite the clear exhaustion weighing down on her shoulders and back. The cold still clings to her like a wet blanket, and feels like something she cannot shake. Perhaps if she moved underneath the covers and curled into his arms it might help. Yet, she does not move, content where she is. ]
You were my condition, if it was not obvious. Being allowed to be with you regardless of it all.
[ A gentle kiss is pressed to his lips and then the corner of his mouth. She is quiet for a moment, trying to find the proper words to put forward in answer to his question. Her fingers continue to glide over his cheek bones before her eyes close. Perhaps it better if she simply allows the words to come from deep inside her than attempt to force them. ]
If we truly are bound to find one another time and time again... then, it cannot be a matter of deserving. [ Alkaid knows she has said this in some form or another, but, perhaps it must be stated again. ] I have loved you in every life--more than any other. A love I will continue to have no matter how many times we are born in lives anew. You have earned my love eternally.
[ Then, a hand leaves his face to gently take one of his. She presses it to her bosom and her eyebrows knit together despite her eyes remaining closed. ] I wish I had the words to share this feeling with you, or that I had a magick to project it for you. Perhaps our ancient history only matters so deeply to me... b-but I...
[ She pauses once more, shoulders curling and pressing his hand further against her. If only he could feel how warm her heart is when he is near; how elated her soul is at his presence. A term springs to her mind then, causing her eyebrows to knit further and her tail to curl up beside her. Would he find it silly? Or, perhaps, would its meaning and significance pass over him? ]
Aymeric de Borel, with all and any titles you hold or will ever hold, you are my one and only. [ The term feels strange to say, as if it were a secret she held to her heart for many years. Something that feels like an echo through time and not just prevalent in this life. Even so, she finds her heart beating faster and a wave of emotions come from deep inside her. A stray tear or two rolls down her cheeks. She feels as if she is trying to desperately reach a part of him buried under time; trying to pull something into the light that perhaps does not exist at all. ] My one and only... and I don't wish to be with another...
[ A ripple of frustration passes from the tips of her ears down to her tail. It bristles, hairs standing on end, and she clutches the hand in her hold to her person. It causes her ears to twitch. Her entire body curls up against him. A soft sound escapes her then as more tears come: a mixture of exhaustion and seeking his comfort. ]
Why can't I express this the right way? [ Another sound, this time of frustration and directed at herself. ] Why can't I find the right words, or the right actions to properly share it to you? Why can't I... [ Alkaid lowers her head and presses her forehead to his chest once her hands begin to shake. Perhaps all she needs is to sleep. Then, she will be able to press these emotions inside herself again in order to contemplate them at a later time.] I can't lose you... not again...
no subject
Any lingering fears and effects from his tempering can wait; his priority and focus must be her. Still, when her nose touches his, and her fingers brush across his cheeks, a sigh he had not known he was holding in escapes him. Although he is resolved to give her all the care and comfort that she needs, a part of him is longing for the comfort she so readily gives him as well. But there will be time enough for that later. He will not be so selfish as to demand that of her now. ]
I- I see. [ That revelation does not surprise him, as all he could ever ask for is more time with her: time uninterrupted by anything or anyone. And yet that seems like a selfish ask as well, even if it is what he strongly desires. ] I cannot speak with any certainty at all as to my thoughts and feelings during that time, but if anything of myself still existed in spite of the primal's efforts... It is not difficult for me to imagine that I still wished to have you with me as the one that I love.
[ And then he grows silent once more when she presses that kiss to his lips. Oh, he has much and more that he could say, but all he wants is to pour every bit of the affection and gratitude he has towards her into these affectionate displays. And what is more, if they continue to be as blessed as they have been, he wishes to spend the rest of their lives together both giving and receiving that love. ]
Have I not expressed in adequate detail how much I love you and that I believe every word that you have told me concerning that ancient history? If I have not done so, then rest assured that I cannot imagine loving anyone but you any more than I can say I do not believe that we have known each other for far longer than any time that can be measured.
[ Perhaps he had not thought so at the start of their relationship, but now he believes without a doubt that they were destined to find each other in this life and all other lives that might follow.
She seems to press further into his touch, and he pulls her closer, a remarkable feat, considering that they are quite close already. It seems to him that the time for words has passed: she needs to rest and recover and not strain herself to speak. He would not silence her, as he loves the sound of her voice and anything she might say to him, but her health is far more important. ]
Lantaa- You express yourself in all the right ways, I assure you. [ His hold on her tightens once more, and his smile turns gentle as he looks down at her. ]
You have not lost me, due namely to your own efforts, and as far as I am concerned, you will not lose me, no matter what. [ He knows that should some threat arise intending to tear them apart, he will fight tooth and nail to remain with her. He prays that no such thing will occur, as they have had too many times when they were very nearly pulled apart, but should that happen, he will do everything in his power to forestall it. ]
Now, I think that it is time for you to sleep. I will, of course, be right beside you.
no subject