[ She has come go expect no answers in his current state--not of the verbal sort. Either due to his physical weakness or perhaps King Thordan himself keeps him from speaking. Whichever might be the cause, Alkaid simply continues her gentle healing of his wrist and stroking his hair.
Until she sees the painful expression cross his face and his eyes.
Alkaid pauses. She knows not what is being said in Aymeric's mind. What she does know is the look of disappointment caused by the former Archbishop. Aymeric has always done well to mask his emotions, but she can plainly remember the expression dawning his face as his father left Ishgard for Aysz Lla. It is why she had decided to never tell him how the battle with his father ended. What remained of the memory of who is father once was is something she imagines is quite precious. She would not be the one to destroy what little connection Aymeric has to the true Archbishop, not the primal.
As she watches his breathing and the pain settle in his face, tears once again collect in her eyes. What good has she brought him since her return from Norvrandt? None, as she can see. He surely expected his lady-to-be, not the woman with underlying trauma she feels she is now. A woman who hid away under a lamppost when she returned, fearful he would not recognize her with her forever changed hair and eye. The woman who curls up at night in her sleep, haunted by nightmares of creatures made of alabaster white skin and feathers. She, who wakes in the middle of the night from nightmares, afraid that she may once again cough specs of brilliant white light, while the maddening laughed of an Ascian can be heard in her ears. She cannot shake the horror of all that transpired no matter how hard she tries.
Now, she is on the verge of losing the man that makes up apart of her world because she could not be present to save him.
Alkaid's eyes close in an attempt to keep the tears from falling. He need not see anymore of how broken she feels inside; this recent trial aside. Aymeric does not need her burdens on top of his own. Especially as she as always understood that his first and greatest love is Ishgard. Her hands still and the healing light disappears. Perhaps she cannot even heal him now--making her nothing short than a complete failure in all of her duties to him. ]
I'm...[ She pauses to force the tears down inside despite how her hands have begun to tremor. ] My ser knight, who always puts his beloved home first. I'm so sorry; thousands of apologies could never make up for all you have endured because of me... the pain you're in because I'm here.
[ Alkaid tilts her head back in an attempt to shift her tears to the corners of the eyes. Maybe then they won't threaten to fall. ]
...would it be the best for you if I left...?
[ She knows she wishes to stay and that he wishes it as well. Is that truly the right course? If she left, perhaps King Thordan would ease on him even for a moment. Perhaps he would not feel as torn as he must surely feel. What good can she do for him at all?
Alkaid opens her eyes slightly as tears escape from their corners. She curses herself mentally. Godsdamnit. How much more of her weakness must Aymeric see when he needs her strong? ]
I don't want to leave you again. I'm so tired of the city-states or the Scions calling me away from you; when you need me... and perhaps I need you more. But... if all I do is cause you pain... and give your father reason to hurt you... should I... is it truly alright for me to stay?
[ She doesn't wish to fail him more, to continue to cause him pain. But, at the heart of it all, she wishes to hear him ask her to stay again. That somehow, despite the failures and pain, he finds all of it worth it still.
Her hand moves to hold his tightly. A slight plea he might ask her once more instead of drifting further away. ]
no subject
Until she sees the painful expression cross his face and his eyes.
Alkaid pauses. She knows not what is being said in Aymeric's mind. What she does know is the look of disappointment caused by the former Archbishop. Aymeric has always done well to mask his emotions, but she can plainly remember the expression dawning his face as his father left Ishgard for Aysz Lla. It is why she had decided to never tell him how the battle with his father ended. What remained of the memory of who is father once was is something she imagines is quite precious. She would not be the one to destroy what little connection Aymeric has to the true Archbishop, not the primal.
As she watches his breathing and the pain settle in his face, tears once again collect in her eyes. What good has she brought him since her return from Norvrandt? None, as she can see. He surely expected his lady-to-be, not the woman with underlying trauma she feels she is now. A woman who hid away under a lamppost when she returned, fearful he would not recognize her with her forever changed hair and eye. The woman who curls up at night in her sleep, haunted by nightmares of creatures made of alabaster white skin and feathers. She, who wakes in the middle of the night from nightmares, afraid that she may once again cough specs of brilliant white light, while the maddening laughed of an Ascian can be heard in her ears. She cannot shake the horror of all that transpired no matter how hard she tries.
Now, she is on the verge of losing the man that makes up apart of her world because she could not be present to save him.
Alkaid's eyes close in an attempt to keep the tears from falling. He need not see anymore of how broken she feels inside; this recent trial aside. Aymeric does not need her burdens on top of his own. Especially as she as always understood that his first and greatest love is Ishgard. Her hands still and the healing light disappears. Perhaps she cannot even heal him now--making her nothing short than a complete failure in all of her duties to him. ]
I'm...[ She pauses to force the tears down inside despite how her hands have begun to tremor. ] My ser knight, who always puts his beloved home first. I'm so sorry; thousands of apologies could never make up for all you have endured because of me... the pain you're in because I'm here.
[ Alkaid tilts her head back in an attempt to shift her tears to the corners of the eyes. Maybe then they won't threaten to fall. ]
...would it be the best for you if I left...?
[ She knows she wishes to stay and that he wishes it as well. Is that truly the right course? If she left, perhaps King Thordan would ease on him even for a moment. Perhaps he would not feel as torn as he must surely feel. What good can she do for him at all?
Alkaid opens her eyes slightly as tears escape from their corners. She curses herself mentally. Godsdamnit. How much more of her weakness must Aymeric see when he needs her strong? ]
I don't want to leave you again. I'm so tired of the city-states or the Scions calling me away from you; when you need me... and perhaps I need you more. But... if all I do is cause you pain... and give your father reason to hurt you... should I... is it truly alright for me to stay?
[ She doesn't wish to fail him more, to continue to cause him pain. But, at the heart of it all, she wishes to hear him ask her to stay again. That somehow, despite the failures and pain, he finds all of it worth it still.
Her hand moves to hold his tightly. A slight plea he might ask her once more instead of drifting further away. ]